‘The Real Housewives of Miami’ Recap: Welcome To Miami

So, under no circumstances would you or I go to Miami, right? I mean why would you, when for only a couple more dollars and maybe being in the vicinity of an irrationally mean seeing-eye dog, you could go to Colorado or Washington? (Which are apparently so beautiful that NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THEM!) So okay, awesome; we’re in agreement that there’s no reason to go to Miami, unless Cirque Du Soleil promises it will no longer travel anywhere and instead, will just cement themselves there. Because think about it – everything Miami has you can get somewhere else. Jacuzzis? You can get those in Hudson, New York. Botox? You can get that shit in Montana. Huge diamonds? NICOLE RICHIE FOR QVC, BITCHES. So honestly, there’s absolutely no reason to go to Miami and since I’ve now proven that using the completely minimal skills I gained from Mr. Chametsky’s logistics class, I’m hereby obsessed with The Real Housewives of Miami. But chances are you’re going to be a bit of a harder sell than I was, so let’s go through last night’s premiere and see if you can get with the program. Literally! HAHAH!

“I think I collect people because the more outrageous or eccentric a person is, the more I gravitate towards them.” – Lea

We first met Lea, who described her hobby as “collecting people,” but from the looks of how she spends her days, she helps people pick out clothes for their children and throwing fundraisers where Dennis Rodman is invited. She lives in a beautiful house with her son who looks older than her husband (who was a lawyer at a trial in the 80s for which she was SEQUESTERED?!?!?!?!?!, and their house is decorated with chandeliers that look like hookahs and Fabergé eggs that open up to allow the glass elephants that they house to breathe. She says her job is to go around making sure the people at parties are having a great time and if they’re not, then she just gets plastered and takes credit for saving the whole thing the next day.

“I’m married to Scottie Pippen. – Larsa”

Larsa’s biggest problem is that people speak Spanish to her, even though she doesn’t speak it and only looks Hispanic because her parents are Assyrian and Lebanese. So clearly, this girl is the one to watch out for because she’s ROOTED in some kind of identity vs. self conflict! She credited Miami as fulfilling her fantasy of having a boat in her family’s backyard, but she doesn’t really get to enjoy it because she has trouble finding time to care for her kids, her family’s attorneys and the family’s accounting, all while looking cute and shopping with her friends because Scottie Pippen will only stay with her if her ass is tight and she keeps finding chubby yoga instructors who swear up and down that Scottie Pippen is still an athlete.

“Frederic has known me since the time I was married, but could never act on it.” -Adriana

JAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKKKPOT! FUCKING BRAVO, YOU GUYS! Excuse me while I get on the phone with 1-800-Flowers and send Andy Cohen MY FUCKING FIRSTBORN! We met Adriana poolside, with her kid and husband who both need haircuts. She talked about how she studied French art in college, but then thought she couldn’t make a living being an art dealer, so then she went to law school, only to realize she missed French art. She’s very confident in her place in Miami, since she’s not outnumbered by blond-haired bitches with blue eyes

“I want to make a toast to the fact that in 2010, I am closing this chapter.” – Christi

Christi explained that she is Cuban-America, so she takes credit for Miami. She also talked about being married for 11 years (even though she is only 29), over which she cared for three children and two step-children. She is now divorced and instead, has a psychic who she seems to have no problem serving alcohol to.

“I mean the world to them, because I mean, they can’t even decide what they’re going to eat unless they ask me.” – Alexia

Alexia told us that everyone calls her the Cuban Barbie, but she doesn’t much care for that because Barbie couldn’t talk, and Alexia is so much more than a doll who never knows where the fuck her fucking shoes are. She also said it was a shame that Barbie couldn’t talk, because nobody could ever figure out if she was actually really smart or actually really dumb, which I guess means that Alexia is thankful for her freedom of speech and that we don’t have to work very hard to figure out her intelligence. We met her when she was having lunch with her boys, as she was educating them on what “grass-fed filet mignon” meant.

“I’m anti-plastic surgery until it gets really, really bad.” – Marysol

Marysol is also from Miami, and she owns a public relations firm. She cannot tell the difference between Monday and Friday, and is proud to have run with Madonna and Sylvester Stallone when they were living down there in the eighties. She is divorced, and only gets asked out by younger men, but finally decided to settle down with a younger man named Phillipe, who may or may not have to have her dry cleaning to her before 9 AM every day. Occasionally, Marysol goes over to her mother’s house to see what her mother thinks about her daughter’s life, and I can’t really say anything more about that because IT’S THE CREEPIEST FUCKING THING EVER and I haven’t the slightest idea why it would even OCCUR to anyone to do that, especially when the only indication that your mother is actually a person is the fact that she uses her mouth to drink her red wine.

“We’re not going to be much help.” – Larsa

The last part of the episode was dedicated to a gathering at Lea’s house that revolves around learning to cook while they have some cocktails. But it’s instantaneously clear that these women try to learn to cook about as hard as your roommate tries to shut the fuck up while she watches her yoga videos on a Saturday morning. This poor chef guy, right, is hired under the idea that he’s going to be teaching these women how to cook, and he comes with actual tasks for them to do (like shrimps to de-shit and string beans to cut and toss and whatever), and these women get so hyped up about writing shit like “sex pot” and “sexy chef” and “beauty queen” on their chef hats! It’s the chef’s fault, really.

But then, Adriana launches into this great story about how during hurricane Katrina is hitting Miami (while her husband was in Brazil on a business trip), she gets a phone call. Adriane deems it relevant to describe to the other women the condition of her body after she extricated herself from the shower to answer the phone, and then tells them that the woman calling informed Adriane that she was also married to Adriane’s husband. Larsa took this opportunity to explain to all the women that THAT IS EXACTLY WHY SHE MANAGES ALL OF SCOTTY PIPPEN’S SHIT, AND IT’S SO HE DOESN’T CHEAT ON HER WITHOUT HER FINDING OUT ABOUT IT IN A TEXT MESSAGE THAT THEIR SAVINGS ACCOUNT BALANCE HAS CHANGED.

Yes, this is a show you should watch. Fuck The Wire already.