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100 Jokes You Oughta Know (As Told in Popular Movies and TV Shows)

An online joke book? Yes!
From the funniest movies and TV shows, it’s 100 jokes worth an LOL…

#100 Blades of Glory
Chazz: “I swear I couldn’t love a human baby as much as I love this comb.”

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#99 Mallrats
Brodie: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.”

# 98 Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Xander: “I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.”

# 97 Married… With Children
Al: “I’m taking you out of the will! Wait, that’s no punishment. I’m putting you in the will!”

# 96 The Kids in The Hall
Reporter: “Tammy, what’s your stand on abortion?”
Tammy: “Never on the first date”

#95 Murphy Brown
Murphy: “I was waiting for the universe to dispense some justice but sometimes the universe is just too damn slow. The effects of putting Nair in someone’s styling gel, however, only take a few minutes.”

# 94 Friends
Monica: “Whoa, where are you going in those pants, 1982?”

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KEEP READING: Hot, Clueless, and Knocked Up!’ [PAGEBREAK]

#93 Clueless
Dionne: “Phat! Did you write that?”
Cher: “Duh. It’s like a famous quote.”
Dionne: “From where?”
Cher: “Cliff’s Notes.”

#92 Knocked Up
(In Vegas, while high on mushrooms)
Pete: “There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.”
Ben Stone: “That’s way too many chairs for one room!”

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#91 Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jeff Greene: [Talking about his German Shepherd] “Boy, you seem to really like Oscar.”
Larry David: “It’s not every day that you get to be affectionate around something German. It just doesn’t happen that often.”

# 90 Clerks
Dante: “You hate people!”
Randal: “And yet I love gatherings. Isn’t it ironic?”

#89 The Kids in The Hall
Daddy: “All right now, son, I want you to get a good night’s rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It’s easy, son, all you have to do is be quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am *willing* to do it. And, I’ve got *quiet shoes*. Good night, son. Sleep well.”

#88 Some Like It Hot
Jerry: “Have I got things to tell you!”
Joe: “What happened?”
Jerry: “I’m engaged.”
Joe: “Congratulations. Who’s the lucky girl?”
Jerry: “I am!”
Joe: “WHAT?!”
Jerry: “Osgood proposed to me! We’re planning a June wedding.”
Joe: “What ARE you talking about? You can’t marry Osgood.”
Jerry: “Why, you think he’s too old for me?”
Joe: “Jerry, you can’t be serious.”
Jerry: “Why not? He keeps marrying girls all the time.”
Joe: “But, you’re not a girl! You’re a guy, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy?”
Jerry: “For security!”

KEEP READING: Axe Murderers and Pet Detectives[PAGEBREAK]

# 87 Gilmore Girls
Rory: “Do something to make me hate you!”
Lorelai: “Um, ‘go Hitler’?”

#86 Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
[Ace Ventura, bending over and talking from his behind]
Ace Ventura: “Excuse me sir, but do you have a mint? Perhaps some Binaca?”

# 85 South Park
Cartman: “Independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.”

# 84 So I Married an Axe Murderer
Harriet: “Do you actually like haggis?”
Charlie: “No, I think it’s repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”

#83 Hot Fuzz
[Danny and Nicholas have just watched Point Break]
Danny Butterman: “What do you think?”
Nicholas Angel: “Well, I wouldn’t argue that it wasn’t a no-holds-barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill ride. But there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.”
Danny Butterman: “That is nothing, man. This is about to go off!”

KEEP READING: Scrubs and Swingers[PAGEBREAK]

#82 Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Ferris: “Not that I condone fascism, or any ‘ism’ for that matter. ‘Isms’ in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ‘ism,’ he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: ‘I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.’ Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I’d still have to bum rides off people.”

#81 The Cosby Show
Cliff: “So how much do you expect to make a week for ‘regular people’?”
Theo: “$250.”
Cliff: (pointing to the bed) “Sit down. I will give you $300 a week. $1,200 a month.” (Cliff hands the money to Theo)
Theo: “I’ll take it!”
Cliff: “And I will take $350 for taxes.”
Theo: “Whoa!”
Cliff: “Oh, yeah. See, the government goes for the regular people first. So, how much does that leave you with?”
Theo: “$850.”
Cliff: “OK, now you’ll need an apartment because you are NOT living here. Now an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.” (Cliff takes $400) Theo: “I’ll live in New Jersey.” (Theo takes back $200)
Cliff: “Now you’ll need a car.” (Cliff takes $300)
Theo: “I’ll drive a motorbike.” (Theo takes back $100)
Cliff: “You’re gonna need a helmet.” (Cliff takes $50) “Now figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes.”
Theo: “Figure $200. I wanna look GOOD.”
Cliff: “So, how much does that leave you with?”
Theo: “$200. So, no problem.”
Cliff: “There IS a problem! You haven’t EATEN yet!” (Cliff takes $100)
Theo: “I can get by on bologna and cereal.” (Theo takes back his $100) “So I’ve got everything under control PLUS $200 left for the month.”
Cliff: “You plan to have a girlfriend?”
Theo: “For sure.” (Cliff takes the remaining $200)
Cliff: (pointing at Theo’s empty hand): “Regular people.”

#80 Scrubs
Ted: “I feel I’d be more productive if my phone dialed out.”

#79 Swingers
Trent: “There’s nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you’re money and that you want to party.”

#78 30 Rock
Jack: “Never go with a hippie to a second location.” 

KEEP READING: Wet Hot Hilarity! [PAGEBREAK]

#77 Best in Show
Meg Swan: “We met at Starbucks. Not at the same Starbucks but we saw each other at different Starbucks across the street from each other.”

#76 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: [after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door] “Oh my God! Ohhh …”
Charlie: “Yeah … that’s a terrible thing … a terrible thing for you to see that.”
Dennis: “I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna kill him!”
Charlie: “Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe work the body a little?”
Dennis: “I was gonna …”
Charlie: “No no no, that’s not gonna help. That’s not gonna help and I’ll tell you why: It doesn’t unbang your Mom.”

# 75 Wet Hot American Summer
Gary: “McKinley needs to experience ‘The Ultimate’!”
J.J.: “You mean, penis-in-vagina?”
Gary: “No, d**khead. Sex.”

#74 The Graduate
Mr. McGuire: “I want to say one word to you. Just one word.”
Benjamin: “Yes, sir.”
Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?”
Benjamin: “Yes, I am.”
Mr. McGuire: “Plastics.”
Benjamin: “Just how do you mean that, sir?”

#73 Arrested Development
Michael: “Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren’t necessities?”
Lucille: “Like it was yesterday.”
Michael: “It was this morning.” 

KEEP READING: There’s Something About Funny! [PAGEBREAK]

# 72 Frasier
[Speaking about Frasier’s agent, Bebe]
Roz: “It’s not like she worships the devil.”
Frasier: “She doesn’t have to worship the devil. He worships her!”

#71 Groundhog Day
Phil: “I have been stabbed, shot, poisoned, frozen, hung, electrocuted, and burned.”
Rita: “Oh, really?”
Phil: “… and every morning I wake up without a scratch on me, not a dent in the fender … I am an immortal.”

#70 There’s Something About Mary
Ted: “I couldn’t believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn’t know my name.”

#69 Coming to America
[while Prince Akeem is getting a bath]
Bather: “The royal penis is clean, your Highness.”

#68 Office Space
Peter:
“You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair they made the Jews wear.”

#67 Family Guy
Stewie: [talking to a very old prostitute] “So is there any tread left on the tires or at this point would it be more like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?”

KEEP READING: How I Met the Knocked Up Tenenbaums[PAGEBREAK]

# 66 How I Met Your Mother
Lily (speaking about Canadian sex acts): “How do you know all these?”
Barney: “Canadiansexacts.org. It’s bookmarked on the top right.”
Marshall: Dot org?”
Barney: “Yeah, it’s not-for-profit. They really just want to get the information out there.”

# 65 I Love Lucy
Ricky: “Lucy’s acting all crazy.”
Fred: “Crazy for Lucy, or crazy for ordinary people?

#64 Knocked Up
Jonah: “We got pinkeye.”
Ben Stone: “Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?”
Jason: “Ha ha ha, very funny. That’s not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.”
Jay: “Um, I farted on Jason’s pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah’s, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I’m not proud any of this, but I think we’re all forgiven each other. Um, but we can’t go anywhere.”
Pete: “You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?”
Jonah: “Totally!”
Pete: “That’s awesome!”
Jonah: “Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?”
Martin: “No. No pinkeye for me. I’m just really… high.”

#63 The Royal Tenenbaums
Richie: “I wrote a suicide note.”
Chas: “You did?”
Richie: “Yeah, right after I regained consciousness.”

# 62 Absolutely Fabulous
Saffron: “My life just flashed before my eyes.”
Edwina: “What was it like? A Bergman film without the jokes?” 

KEEP READING: Dumb and funny! [PAGEBREAK]

#61 Dumb & Dumber
Harry: [shivering] “Lloyd, I can’t feel my fingers. They’re numb!”
Lloyd: “Oh well here, take this extra pair of gloves. My hands are starting to get a little sweaty.”
Harry: “Extra gloves? You’ve had extra gloves this whole time?”
Lloyd: “Uh yeah, we are in the Rockies. Jeez!”

# 60 Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: “Hey Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced it.”
J.D.: “He died?”
Dr. Kelso: “I certainly hope so. Otherwise that autopsy is going to be a bitch.”

#59 Friends
Chandler [to Ross]: “You know, if you’re not careful, you could not get married at all this year.”

#58 Pulp Fiction
Esmeralda: “What is your name?”
Butch: “Butch.”
Esmeralda: “What does it mean?”
Butch: “I’m American, honey. Our names don’t mean shit.”

# 57 Manhattan
Isaac Davis: “Has anybody read that Nazis are gonna march in New Jersey? Y’know, I read this in the newspaper. We should go down there, get some guys together, y’know, get some bricks and baseball bats and really explain things to them.”
Party Guest: “There is this devastating satirical piece on that on the Op Ed page of the Times, it is devastating.”
Isaac Davis: “Well, a satirical piece in the Times is one thing, but bricks and baseball bats really gets right to the point.”

KEEP READING: Freak, Geeks, Seinfeld and Bob[PAGEBREAK]

# 56 Spaceballs
Dark Helmet: “Before you die there is something you should know about us.”
Lone Starr: “What?”
Dark Helmet: “I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.”
Lone Starr: “What’s that make us?”
Dark Helmet: “Absolutely nothing!”

# 55 Seinfeld
Jerry: “I ate discarded food!”
George: “Well I’ve done that.”
Jerry: “Yeah, but with you it’s intentional.”

#54 Freaks and Geeks
Sam Weir: “What am I gonna say to Cindy?”
Bill Haverchuck: “Don’t say anything. Be dominant. It’s all, all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, if you talk to her first, it’s a sign of weakness and she will not pick you to be her mate.”
Sam Weir: “Are you drunk?”
Bill Haverchuck: “I think so, yes I am.”
Sam Weir: “Aw, man, go into my room, lock the door, and don’t drink any more.”
Bill Haverchuck: [after Sam leaves] “That’s very dominant.”

#53 The Simpsons
Homer: “Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?”
Lisa: “No.”
Homer: “Ham?”
Lisa: “No.”
Homer: “Pork chops?”
Lisa: “Dad, those all come from the same animal.”
Homer: “Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.”

#52 What About Bob?
Bob Wiley: [telling a joke] “The doctor draws two circles and says ‘What do you see?’ the guy says ‘Sex.’”
[everybody laughs]
Bob Wiley: “Wait a minute, I haven’t even told the joke yet! So the doctor draws trees, ‘What do you see?’ The guy says ‘sex.’ The doctor draws a car, owl, ‘Sex, sex, sex.’ The doctor says to him. ‘You are obsessed with sex!’ He replies, ‘Well you’re the one drawing all the dirty pictures!’” 

KEEP READING: Double the Office, Double the laughs! [PAGEBREAK]

# 51 South Park
Kyle: “Michael Bay gets to keep making movies and Cartman gets his own theme park. There is no god.”

#50 The Office
Michael Scott: “I was on a hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight …”
Dwight Schrute: “Really? We don’t have any girls in HR.”
Michael Scott: “You know for the sake of the story … and things were getting hot and heavy …”
Dwight Schrute: “Yeah!”
Michael Scott: “And I was about to take her bra off …”
Dwight Schrute: “Yeah!”
Michael Scott: “And she made me fill out six hours worth of paperwork.”
Dwight Schrute: “Like an AIDS test?”
Michael Scott: “No. God, Dwight …”

#49 Office Space
Peter Gibbons: “So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.”
Dr. Swanson: “What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?”
Peter Gibbons: “Yeah.”
Dr. Swanson: “Wow, that’s messed up.”

#48 30 Rock
Tracy: “Live every week like it’s Shark Week.”

#47 The Simpsons
Homer: “Do you want a donut?”
Lisa: “No thanks. Do you have any fruit?”
Homer: “This has purple in it. Purple’s a fruit. 

KEEP READING: Back to The Office! [PAGEBREAK]

#46 The Office
Michael Scott: “That’s what she said.”

# 45 Back to School
Derek: [at diving competition] “You know what you almost never see? Somebody heckling a diver.” [blows airhorn]

#44 Upright Citizens Brigade
Realtor: “This is the Hot Chicks Room. The breakfast table’s just over this way …”
Wife: “Excuse me? What was that room again?”
Realtor: “Oh, this is the Hot Chicks Room. It’s filled with assorted hot chicks who party in here 24 hours a day. But you’d be more interested in the kitchen.”
Wife: “You know what? We’re not going to need a sexy chicks room.”
Realtor: “Well, actually it’s a Hot Chicks Room.”
Wife: “Well, whatever it is, we don’t need it.”
Husband: “You said the same thing about the microwave, and we use that darned thing all the time.”
Husband: [to realtor] “So, a Hot Chicks Room, huh?”
Realtor: “Yeah. The previous owner installed the room in the 80s, and I’ll be honest with you, some of the chicks aren’t all that hot anymore. However, they are replaceable.”

#43 Annie Hall
Alvy Singer: “It’s mental masturbation!”
Annie Hall: “And you would know all about THAT, wouldn’t you?”
Alvy Singer: “Hey, don’t knock masturbation! It’s sex with someone I love.”

#42 This Is Spinal Tap
David St. Hubbins: “I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem may have been that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.” 

KEEP READING: Tootsie, Tommy and Maude! [PAGEBREAK]

# 41 Tootsie
Michael Dorsey: “Are you saying that nobody in New York will work with me?”
George Fields: “No, no, that’s too limited … nobody in Hollywood wants to work with you either. I can’t even set you up for a commercial. You played a tomato for 30 seconds — they went a half a day over schedule because you wouldn’t sit down.”
Michael Dorsey: “Of course. It was illogical.”
George Fields: “YOU WERE A TOMATO. A tomato doesn’t have logic. A tomato can’t move.”
Michael Dorsey: “That’s what I said. So if he can’t move, how’s he gonna sit down, George? I was a stand-up tomato: a juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato. Nobody does vegetables like me. I did an evening of vegetables off-Broadway. I did the best tomato, the best cucumber … I did an endive salad that knocked the critics on their ass.”

#40 Tommy Boy
Tommy: “I l-left a message.”
Richard: “A message? What number did you call?”
Tommy: “Two, four, niner, five, six, seven …”
Richard: “I can’t hear you, you’re trailing off and did I catch a niner in there?
Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?”
Tommy: “No, it was cordless.”

# 39 Harold and Maude
Motorcycle Officer: “License, lady?”
Maude: “I don’t have one. I don’t believe in them.”
Motorcycle Officer: “How long you been driving, lady?”
Maude: “About 45 minutes.”
[turning to Harold]
Maude: “Wouldn’t you say, Harold? We were hoping to start sooner but you see it’s rather hard to find a truck.”
Motorcycle Officer: “This your truck?”
Maude: “Oh no, I just took it.”

# 38 The Jerk
Navin R. Johnson: “Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?”
Marie: “Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.”
Navin R. Johnson: “What was it?”
Marie: “’The Way We Were.’”

#37 Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: “Yes, I was, uh … I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape … about the college girls and the … the wild … the wildness. They’re going wild or something? Somebody told me … about going wild.” 

KEEP READING: Muppet Hangover! [PAGEBREAK]

# 36 Beverly Hills Cop
Axel Foley: “Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What’s the f**kin’ charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?”

#35 The Office
[Dwight is wearing a tuxedo]
Pam: “It’s a nice tux.”
Dwight Schrute: “I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so … family heirloom.”

# 34 Monty Python
Reg: “I don’t know! Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that’s all. I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!”
[the door flies open and in come three Cardinals in red robes]
Cardinal Ximinez: “NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise! Surprise and fear, fear and surprise … Our two weapons are fear and surprise … and ruthless efficiency! Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. Our four, no … Amongst our weapons … Hmf … Amongst our weaponry … are such elements as fear, surpr … I’ll come in again.”
[They leave]
Reg: “I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.”
[They burst in again]
Ximinez: “NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms. Oh damn!”

#33 The Hangover
Alan Garner: “You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So there, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, ‘Wait a second, could it be?’ And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!”

#32 The Muppet Movie
Kermit: “Where did you learn to drive?”
Fozzie: “I took a correspondence course.” 

KEEP READING: Flight of the Happy Man of Mystery! [PAGEBREAK]

# 31 Flight of the Conchords
Jemaine: “It’s just that I think she might be the one.”
Bret: “Sally?”
Jemaine: “Yeah.”
Bret: “What makes you think that?”
Jemaine: “You just know. When it happens to you you’ll know.”
Bret: “You said Michelle was the one.”
Jemaine: “Yeah, she’s the one.”
Bret: “You said Claire was the one.”
Jemaine: “She’s another one.”
Bret: “So you have more than one one?”
Jemaine: “Some people are lucky. I’ve had a few ones.”
Bret: “So how many ones can you have?”
Jemaine: “Five.”
Bret: “How many have you had?”
Jemaine: “Three. How many have you had?”
Bret: “Just one.”

# 30 Happy Gilmore
Shooter McGavin: “You’re in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of s**t like you for breakfast!”
Happy Gilmore: “You eat pieces of s**t for breakfast?”

# 29 Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Dr. Evil: “All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.”
[guard starts dipping mechanism]
Dr. Evil: “Close the tank!”
Scott Evil: “Wait, aren’t you even going to watch them? They could get away!”
Dr. Evil: “No no no, I’m going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I’m just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?”
Scott Evil: “I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I’ll get it, I’ll come back down here, BOOM, I’ll blow their brains out!”
Dr. Evil: “Scott, you just don’t get it, do ya? You don’t.”

# 28 Psych
Shawn: “What time are you seeing that blind chick?”
Gus: “Gloria can’t see me.”
Shawn: “Dude, I know how being blind works.”
Gus: “I mean she’s booked, Shawn.”

#27 Clue
Wadsworth: “Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.”
Professor Plum: “Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.”
Wadsworth: “So your work has not changed.” 

KEEP READING: Super Old School Funny! [PAGEBREAK]

# 26 Caddyshack
Carl Spackler: “So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.”
Angie D’Annunzio: “A looper?”
Carl Spackler: “A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald … striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one — big hitter, the Lama — long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga … gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.’ So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”

#25 Fargo
Mr. Mohra: “So, I’m tendin’ bar there at Ecklund and Swedlin’s last Tuesday, and this little guy’s drinkin’ and he says, ‘So where can a guy find some action? I’m goin’ crazy out there at the lake.’ And I says, ‘What kinda action?’ And he says, ‘Woman action, what do I look like?’ And I says, ‘Well, what do I look like? I don’t arrange that kinda thing.’ And he says, ‘I’m goin’ crazy out there at the lake.’ And I says, ‘Well, this ain’t that kinda place.’
Officer Olson: “Uh-huh.”
Mr. Mohra: So he says, ‘So I get it, so you think I’m some kinda jerk for askin’,’ only he doesn’t use the word ‘jerk.’
Officer Olson: “I understand.”
Mr. Mohra: “And then he calls me a jerk, and says the last guy who thought he was a jerk was dead now. So I don’t say nothin’ and he says, ‘What do ya think about that?’ So I says, ‘Well, that don’t sound like too good a deal for him, then.’”
Officer Olson: “Ya got that right.”
Mr. Mohra: “And he says, ‘Yeah, that guy’s dead, and I don’t mean of old age.’ And then he says, ‘Geez, I’m goin’ crazy out there at the lake.’”
Officer Olson: White Bear Lake?
Mr. Mohra: “Well, Ecklund & Swedlin’s, that’s closer ta Moose Lake, so I made that assumption.”
Officer Olson: “Oh sure.”
Mr. Mohra: “So, ya know, he’s drinkin’, so I don’t think a whole great deal of it, but Mrs. Mohra heard about the homicides down here and she thought I should call it in, so I called it in. End o’ story.”
Officer Olson: “What’d this guy look like, anyway?”
Mr. Mohra: “Oh, he was a little guy. Kinda funny lookin’.”
Officer Olson: “Uh-huh. In what way?”
Mr. Mohra: “Oh, just in a general kinda way.”

# 24 Young Frankenstein
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: “For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged.”
Inga: “His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.”
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: “Exactly.”
Inga: “He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.”
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: “That goes without saying.”
Inga: “Voof.”
Igor: “He’s going to be very popular.”

#23 Old School
Frank: (Will Farrell, butt naked and running down the street) “We’re going streaking!”

#22 Superbad
Seth: “When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it’s not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don’t know why. I would just kinda sit around all day and draw pictures of d**ks.”
Evan: “What?”
Seth: “Draw pictures of d**ks.”
Evan: “Dicks? Like a man d**k?” 

KEEP READING: Princesses, Graduates and Jerks! [PAGEBREAK]

#21 Old School
Beanie: “Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it’s going to be sick. I’m talking like crazy boy band ass.”

# 20 The Graduate
Benjamin:
“Mrs. Robinson, I can’t do this.”
Mrs. Robinson: “You what?”
Benjamin: “This is all terribly wrong.”
Mrs. Robinson: “Do you find me undesirable?”
Benjamin: “Oh no, Mrs. Robinson. I think, I think you’re the most attractive of all my parents’ friends. I mean that.”

# 19 The Princess Bride
[fencing]
Inigo Montoya: “You are wonderful.”
Man in Black: “Thank you; I’ve worked hard to become so.”
Inigo Montoya: “I admit it, you are better than I am.”
Man in Black: “Then why are you smiling?”
Inigo Montoya: “Because I know something you don’t know.”
Man in Black: “And what is that?”
Inigo Montoya: “I … am not left-handed.”
[Moves his sword to his right hand and gains an advantage]
Man in Black: “You are amazing.”
Inigo Montoya: “I ought to be, after 20 years.”
Man in Black: “Oh, there’s something I ought to tell you.”
Inigo Montoya: “Tell me.”
Man in Black: “I’m not left-handed either.”

#18 30 Rock
Liz: “Why are you wearing a tux?”
Jack: “It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?”

# 17 The Jerk
[a sniper keeps missing Navin and hitting cans of motor oil]
Navin R. Johnson: “He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.” 

KEEP READING: The Dude Abides! [PAGEBREAK]

#16 Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Brian Fantana: “No, she gets a special cologne. It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries. Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.”
Ron Burgundy: “It’s quite pungent.”
Brian Fantana: “Oh yeah.”
Ron Burgundy: “It’s a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils, in a good way.”
Brian Fantana: “Yep.”
Ron Burgundy: “Brian, I’m gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.”
Brian Fantana: “They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.”
Ron Burgundy: “That doesn’t make sense.”

#15 The Big Lebowski
The Dude:
“Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not Mr. Lebowski. You’re Mr. Lebowski. I’m The Dude. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.”

#14 Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Brick Tamland: “I love… carpet.” [pause] “I love… desk.”
Ron Burgundy: “Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?”
Brick Tamland: “I love lamp.”
Ron Burgundy: “Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?”
Brick Tamland: “I love lamp. I love lamp.”

#13 Ghostbusters
Gozer: [after Ray orders her to re-locate] “Are you a God?”
[Ray looks at Peter, who nods]
Dr Ray Stantz: “No.”
Gozer: “Then… DIE!” [Lightning flies from her fingers]
Winston Zeddemore: “Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say ‘YES’”

# 12 Superbad
Evan: [looking at the fake ID] “Hawaii. All right, that’s good. That’s hard to trace, I guess. Wait … you changed your name to McLovin?”
Fogell: “Yeah.”
Evan: “McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?”
Fogell: “Nah, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.”
Seth: “And you landed on McLovin.”
Fogell: “Yeah. It was between that or Muhammad.”
Seth: “Why the F**K would it be between THAT or Muhammad? Why don’t you just pick a common name like a normal person?”
Fogell: “Muhammad is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a f**king book for once.”
Evan: “Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammad?”
Fogell: “Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?”
Seth: “No, that’s why you picked a dumb f**king name!”
Fogell: “F**k you.”
Seth: “Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number one. Number two: it doesn’t even have a first name, it just says McLovin!”
Evan: “What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal?” 

KEEP READING: “Really, really, ridiculously” funny! [PAGEBREAK]

#11 Seinfeld
George [After Jerry’s girlfriend sees his shrinkage]: “I was in the pool! I was in the pool!”

#10 This Is Spinal Tap
Nigel Tufnel: “The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and …”
Marty DiBergi: “Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?”
Nigel Tufnel: “Exactly.”
Marty DiBergi: “Does that mean it’s louder? Is it any louder?”
Nigel Tufnel: “Well, it’s one louder, isn’t it? It’s not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You’re on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you’re on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?”
Marty DiBergi: “I don’t know.”
Nigel Tufnel: “Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?”
Marty DiBergi: “Put it up to eleven.”
Nigel Tufnel: “Eleven. Exactly. One louder.”
Marty DiBergi: “Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?”
Nigel Tufnel: [pause] “These go to eleven.”

#9 Rushmore
Max Fischer: “I like your nurse’s uniform, guy.”
Dr. Peter Flynn: “These are O.R. scrubs.”
Max Fischer: “O, R they?”

#8 Old School
Frank: (After hitting the beer bong) “Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it’s so good!”

#7 Caddyshack
Carl Spackler: “License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit, ever. They’re like the Viet Cong — Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote.”

#6 Zoolander
Derek Zoolander: “Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good-looking?” 

KEEP READING: When Harry Met Funny! [PAGEBREAK]

#5 Blazing Saddles
Mexican Bandit: “Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges.”

#4 Arrested Development
Narrator: “G.O.B. was recently hired by the Bluth Company’s rival, Sitwell Enterprises. And although he started off well…”

DAY ONE
G.O.B.: “52% of the country is single. That’s a market that’s been dominated by apartment rentals. Let’s take some of that market. I call it ‘Single City.’”
Narrator: “… his ideas failed to evolve.”

DAY TWO
G.O.B.: “It’s, like, ‘Hey, you want to go down to the whirlpool?’ ‘Yeah, I don’t have a husband.’ I call it ‘Swing City.’”
Stan Sitwell: “Let’s get into some new areas, if you don’t mind.”
Narrator: “But G.O.B. continued to fine-tune his first one.”

DAY THREE
G.O.B.: “How do we filter out the teases? We don’t let them in.”

DAY FOUR
G.O.B.: “This goes for the guys, too. Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you’re living in Bleep City.”

#3 When Harry Met Sally
[after Sally fakes orgasm in a deli]
Older Woman Customer: [to waiter] “I’ll have what she’s having.”

#2 Animal House
Bluto: [after chugging a whole bottle of Jack without a pause for air] “Thanks. I needed that.”
[chucks the bottle behind him, which shatters on the hood of the car behind him].

#1 Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
President Merkin Muffley: “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.”

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