Ah, the end-of-year holiday season in Hollywood…that time of year when the stars can take a break from the set, the photo shoots and the nightspots and look back on the year with quiet reflection and muse “WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?” while stuffing a little something extra in their publicist’s holiday envelope for trying vainly to put a plausible spin on their spectacular Celebrity Spin-Out.
That’s right, no annual entertainment wrap up would be complete with a recap of the year’s most high-profile Hollywood hi-jinks, the figurative train wrecks and occasionally literal car crashes that kept us amused by superstar antics off the screen—and hopefully you’ll be amused as we count our way down to Hollywood.com’s own Mr. and Ms. Spin-Out of 2005.
Ashlee Simpson’s Big Mac Attack
Shortly after she turned 21, pop chanteuse Ashlee Simpson showed it was still going to be a while before she learns how to handle her liquor: during a late-night invasion of a Toronto McDonald’s, an apparently intoxicated—and irritated—Ashlee climbed onto the counter and got in the face of an employee when her McNuggets didn’t come quickly enough. The performance was captured live on video, where she argued with the manager, dropped the “f” bomb on a fan, and (we’re pretty sure) wasn’t lip-synching when she uttered the oxymoronic statement, “B***h, stop talking to me! I’m nice!”
Sean Penn Lays Down the Law
At the Academy Awards, Penn took umbrage at host Chris Rock’s pointed jabs at the ubiquitous Jude Law, who had recently starred in, well, just about everything, prompting Rock to wonder just who Jude Law was—in the comic’s estimation, he certainly wasn’t a movie star. Stone-faced Penn used his screen time to correct Rock and tell him his future co-star Law “is one of our finest actors.” Actually, Penn showed us he’s one of our finest actors: back when he played Spicolli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, he actually convinced us all he a sense of humor. An Oscar-worthy performance, apparently.
Pat O’Brien’s Voicemail Vices
Professional name-dropper Pat OBrien may get the scoop straight from his celebrity pals, but here’s one story The Insider didn’t break: the host left a seemingly endless series of sleazy, sotto-voce voice messages on the machine of a female acquaintance (she was “SO f***ing hot,” he reminded her every few seconds). Always a gentleman, he made sure the object of his lusty calls—which later hit the Internet—knew she could only reach out and touch him if she was also “into” his girlfriend. After a round of rehab, Pat confessed to tough-loving Dr. Phil that his phone calls were fueled by cocaine and alcohol. Talk about hang-ups.
Getting Pinched with Christian Slater
Proving a little game of grab-a** doesn’t go far to impress the ladies of the Upper East Side, Christian Slater was collared on sexual abuse charges after allegedly groping the backside of a female pedestrian, who called the cops that quickly busted the actor while he was on an apparent pub-crawl in Manhattan. The case was later dismissed, but Slater (whose been plagued by alcohol, drug and marital problems in the past) seemed to be in freefall—literally—when he took a tumble off the roof of Paris Hilton’s West Hollywood pad after climbing up to check out some neighbors who’d complained of noise. Thankfully, Paris’ bush broke his fall—the bush outside her home, pervs.
Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros’ “Lost” Highway
Sure, Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros had something to celebrate: they’d recently joined the cast of he Emmy-winning mega-hit show Lost for its second season. But after a night out in Oahu, the two actresses found themselves imprisoned on an island in real life—at least briefly—when they were arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. For Rodriguez, the bust could have some serious consequences: she may be deemed in violation of parole stemming from earlier alcohol-related arrests in L.A. As for Watros, she’s probably suffering most from the release of that no-makeup, un-airbrushed mug shot—not exactly the actress’ most flattering head shot.
Desperate Housewives Get Vain for Vanity Fair
Oh, if only the actual show had catfights as juicy as the Desperate Housewives dust-up that shook the cover shoot for the May issue of Vanity Fair when, after ABC reps bent over backward to ensure that stars Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria, Marcia Cross, Felicity Huffman and Nicolette Sheridan be positioned equally in the poolside photo after concerns arose about Hatcher selecting her wardrobe first and being set in the center of the shot. She did, and she was (she’d even consulted the stylist days in advance), prompting Marcia to get cross, Eva to text an SOS to ABC and Teri to turn tearful on her cell phone. The only thing more forced than the final photo was the subsequent refrain echoed by all the Desperate divas: “We get along great—really!”
Bush-Whacked By Kanye West
He was supposed to be helping raise funds for hurricane relief, but hip-hop icon Kanye West stirred up a different kind of storm when during a live, televised concert he went off teleprompter to launch a rambling diatribe about allegedly racist portrayals of disaster victims and ultimately proclaim that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” Mike Myers, who was introducing a segment with West, could only stare in the kind of stunned, slack-jawed silence that his character Dr. Evil might have described as “Awwwk-ward.” NBC cut away to Chris Tucker, so we can only wonder if West also planned to attack the president over his policy toward people in giant bear suits.
Michael Jackson Beats It—The Rap, That Is
Michael Jackson, you’ve just been acquitted of all ten counts of child molestation charges that have dogged you for the last year and a half—What are you going to do next? If you thought the answer would be “I’m going to Neverland!” think again: instead, Jacko (whose lawyers successfully exonerated him even despite oddball—even for him—antics like showing up in court wearing pajamas and moonwalking on the roof of a limo outside the courthouse for onlookers) appears to have moved lock, stock, Bubbles and Elephant Man bones to the Persian Gulf nation of Bahrain, where the Gloved One can sheik his body down to the ground to his heart’s content.
Fashionistas Turn Up Noses at Kate Moss’ Cocaine Use
In the 1990s the waifish poser Kate Moss ushered in a undernourished look that some called “heroin chic,” but there was nothing fashionable about this year’s allegations that supermodel been abusing cocaine. High-end fashion houses snorted at the revelations, which Moss validated with a public apology to those she’d let down, as well as a stint in rehab: Fashion model drug use—who would have ever suspected? Burberry, Chanel and Hennes & Mauritz turned their well-clad backs on Moss’ famous face, but she remained in vogue—literally, appearing as the cover girl (in four separate covers) and guest editor-in-chief of this month’s French Vogue. She’s not taking a powder anytime soon.
Jude Law’s Nanny 911
Having successfully endured Chris Rock’s Oscar barbs, and worse, Sean Penn’s humorless “defense” of him, Jude Law showed that the caddish roles he played in Closer and Alfie may have been the result of Method acting when he revealed—via a public statement to the media, no less—that he had cheated in his fiancé, up-and-coming actress and style trendsetter Sienna Miller that he had shagged the 26-year-old nanny of his three children. Miller must’ve REALLY been dodging his calls and text-messages to prompt Law to confess his Merry Pop-Ins to the press…but apparently the penitent play worked: the pretty couple reconciled, and presumably the Law kids will be minded by someone less likely to tuck Dad into bed. Supernanny’s Jo Frost, anyone?
Lindsay Lohan’s Airbags
Teen queen Lindsay Lohan wasn’t able to put the petal to the metal at the box office for Disney’s Herbie: Fully Loaded (in which her, um, bumpers were digitally reduced to make her figure more family-friendly), and she proved even unluckier behind the wheel on the real-life road without help from the anthropomorphized Volkswagen Beetle. First, the redhead-turned-blonde was rear-ended when a pursuing photographer intentionally collided with her Mercedes-Benz in June. Then in October, while attempting to evade a relentless pack of paparazzi, the blonde-turned-brunette crashed her Mercedes convertible into an illegally U-turning van as she dodged and weaved through West Hollywood traffic, resulting in minor injuries to the starlet, her passenger and the driver of the other vehicle. At this rate, it’s time for the girl to either hire her Herbie stunt driver full time, or just pull over and pose for the damn photo.
Dave Chappelle’s No-Show
When the hottest comic to hit cable in ages suddenly goes AWOL, fleeing to South Africa in the midst of production of the latest season of Chappelle’s Show—for which he was paid a reported $50 million—certain questions are going to be asked. Was he on crack? Dave Chappelle, who lives a famously quiet life on a farm in Ohio, says no. Was he at creative odds with his network, Comedy Central? No, insisted both the comic and the cable net. Was he checked into a mental institution? Again, no, though he did consult with a psychiatrist. Apparently Chappelle only SEEMED crazy for turning his back on his lucrative, popular series: turns out the huge success overwhelmed him and his inner circle proved untrustworthy, so he pulled the plug to keep things real, instead of shouting “I’m rich, bee-yatch!” all the way to the bank.
Russell Crowe’s Phone Fling
The once notoriously short-tempered and occasionally pugilistic Russell Crowe hadn’t made headlines for bad boy behavior since his 2003 wedding to musician Danielle Spencer, marriage having apparently smoothed his sharper edges. But an employee at Manhattan’s Mercer Hotel learned the hard way not to keep Cinderella Man from his Princess Charming when, furious that he couldn’t get a call out to his wife in Australia, Crowe hurled the phone at the concierge’s face in frustration. Charged with assault, the chastened Crowe hit the apology circuit, taking himself to task before David Letterman and appearing penitent in court—his U.S. work visa was on the line, after all. After a settlement with the victim and a $160 fee, Crowe, like the aforementioned phone, was off the hook.
The Zellweger-Chesneys’ Wedded Dis
What does one give their spouse for the five-month anniversary? It’s a question actress Renee Zellweger and country music superstar Kenny Chesney never had to answer after their quickie union dissolved into an even quicker split after just four months of marriage. Almost as soon as the under-the-radar couple said “I do” in a discreet beachside wedding ceremony in the Virgin Islands that sent shockwaves through Hollywood and Nashville, the duo said “I don’t,” seeking to annul their union after just 128 days. Adding a whiff of scandal was the unusual citation of “fraud,” suggesting that someone had misrepresented their role in the ill-fated romance, while adding a waft of hope are recent reports that the uncoupled couple has been seen dining out together on the sly.
Nick & Jessica Finally Put Up Their Dukes
In contrast to the brief Zellweger-Chesney union, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey starred in the longest, most drawn-out celebrity split in recent memory as rumors of a rift dogged them like rabid “platamapusses” all year. From Jessica’s oft-proclaimed liberating time apart filming The Dukes of Hazzard to their frequently chilly public behavior toward each other (even presumed celeb breakup sympathizer Justin Timberlake mocked their icy interaction at a club), through rumors of hubby jealousy over wifey’s emerging superstardom, on to insistent but mixed messages about their rock-solid union (she’d acknowledge that whenever she went out without her wedding ring, headlines would scream Splitsville—and then she’d promptly go out without her ring), not a day went by when someone, somewhere, didn’t ask “Are Nick and Jessica really breaking up?” When the inevitable end of the one-time Newlyweds was at last announced on Thanksgiving eve, our long national nightmare was over. And now, on to what’s sure to be the most persistent cover blurb of 2006: “[Fill in the Blank] – Jessica’s New Man?”
Jen, Brad and Angelina: The Prettiest Ugly Triangle in Hollywood
When is a cad who apparently leaves his wife for another woman not a cad? When he’s the very, very sexy star Brad Pitt, who split from his equally celebrated spouse after rumors that he was jonesing to start a family and she wasn’t (Aww). When is a homewrecker who steals another woman’s husband not a homewrecker? When she’s the very, very sexy star Angelina Jolie who, when not hooking up with previously spoken-for co-stars (remember Billy Bob Thornton?) is saving the world one international adopted child at a time and providing a ready-made family for dad-wannabe Pitt (Aww). And when is the victimized third party not a victim? When she’s the very, very sexy Jennifer Aniston, who has seemingly found solace in the arms of a co-star of her own, the very, very sexy Vince Vaughn(Aww). It would all be very tragic, if it weren’t so very, very sexy, and oh-so Aww-some.
Cruise (Out of) Control
Who knew that the infamous couch-jumping would also prove to be the potential shark-jumping moment in the career of Tom Cruise? Only a megawatt superstar of his caliber would even think they could get away with testing the springs of Oprah Winfrey’s sofa, but hey, we forgave him: after all, ol’ Top Gun was over-the-moon in love, even though he’d only been dating Katie Holmes, some 16 years his junior, for a few weeks, it was OBVIOUS she was soon to be the next future Mrs. Cruise, mother of his first biological offspring and proud co-owner of a private sonogram machine. We ignored the undercutting of his turn Steven Spielberg’s entertaining War of the Worlds with all that yakety-yakety about Scientology—even if both, apparently, have something to do with aliens. We’ll even let his Magnolia-intense diatribe against Today co-host Matt Lauer and the evils of psychiatry slide: after years working opposite Katie Couric, Lauer could hold his own against even the toothiest antagonist. But what we can’t excuse was the War of the Words with his one-time Endless Love co-star Brooke Shields, attacking her use of anti-depressant drugs after the birth of her first child. He’d finally gone too far, because like the actress and her Calvins, nothing comes between us and our Brooke! And thus we are compelled to name Tom Cruise as Hollywood.com’s Mr. Celebrity Spin-Out of 2005.
Paris Hilton’s Not-So-Simple Life
Just when you thought she couldn’t top a night-vision sex tape and a missing Chihuahua, celebutante Paris Hilton upped the ante in 2005 with enough antics to extend her 15 minutes of fame by several more seconds: first, hackers cracked open the contents of the heiress’ Sidekick and posted much of it on the Internet (including contact info for celebrity cohorts like Lindsay Lohan and topless digital camera girl-on-girl shots with female Latin MTV personality); next, there was Paris Hilton, movie star, with her lingerie-clad turn in the horror flick House of Wax (the title also an adept description of the heiress’ acting); then she announced that her lifelong friendship with her Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie had exploded into a feud, and she expected to replace Nicole on the show with another pampered gal pal, Kimberly Stewart—except Fox decided it “didn’t have room on the schedule” for the series, resulting in the original duo taking the show—in which they would no longer appear on screen together—up the dial to E!; then there was the racy Carl’s Jr. ad, with Paris hungrily devouring a burger while washing a car in swimsuit and stilettos (who doesn’t?), which the Parents Television Council called little more than a “soft-core porn” video (but hey, at least she presumably got paid for this one); next was the break-up of her four-month engagement to similarly named Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis, which coincided nicely with the beginning of her romance with differently named Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, who also happened to be a male model and the ex-beau of brokenhearted waif Mary-Kate Olsen; there was her new animal accessory, a kinkajou named Baby Luv, who with its large head, giant eyes and teeny, tiny body may have been a sidekick designed to subliminally substitute for Richie (who had her own problems with every-five-minutes denials that her increasingly thin frame was not unhealthy or due to drug use, and an abruptly ended engagement to in-demand disc-spinner DJ AM); and finally, lest Lindsay Lohan have a monopoly on celebrity car crashes, a fender-bender in Hollywood with her overly-hoodied boyfriend at the wheel and Stewart and her blink-and-it’s-over fiancé, Laguna Beach’s Talan Torriero, along for the ride. For being famous enough to force us to know the names of her even-less-obviously talented pals; for thinking her new catch phrase “That’s Sexy” somehow takes “That’s Hot” to a new level; for launching a highly public feud over—hey, what the hell ARE they mad about, anyway?; for making Hollywood.com learn how to spell “kinkajou,” and mostly because we know she can provide her own tiara, we proudly name Paris Hilton as our Ms. Celebrity Spin-Out of 2005.
