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‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Snooki Sleeps Around

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHmy GOD I am college educated! I have a degree in a frame in my closet, between two wool sweaters so nothing happens to it AND I WATCH THIS SHOW. I actually eat something at a specific time so I can stay awake to watch this show. I actually sit in front of the TV about half an hour before the show starts so none of my roommates can come into the living room and claim the one TV we have in my apartment for something like Grey’s Anatomy or some cooking show where Emeril gets an erection or something. I actually make sure I’ve talked to my parents that day so they won’t call and interrupt my viewing of this show. THESE ARE THINGS I ACTUALLY DO TO PREPARE TO WATCH THIS SHOW. AND NOW IT SUCKS BECAUSE SAMMI ISN’T THERE ANYMORE. I’m so disgusted with myself, and it’s not for the reason I was yesterday, which was because I’ve placed my trash can under my desk so I can prop my feet up. NO. It’s because this show is TERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIBLE  and I still care about it. I STILL CARE. I’ll make a great mother someday. I’m sure of it.

“Is it me, or does he sound ghetto?” – Snooki

Last episode, Snooki had relations with this guy named Gionni, who she called Bernard. But since she found the stripper pole she bought to be more satisfying than Gionni, she gave him the boot the next morning. After he had departed, Snooki called her other friend Nick, and asked him if he wanted to hang out later that day. He said he would be interested in doing so, but he told Snooki to call him back around 4 PM and remind him because his life is like the movie Memento, only he hasn’t discovered that it’s more useful to get tattoos of the facts he should be remembering instead of lobsters that have the bodies of naked women. So Snooki said fine, she’d call again. When 4PM rolled around, she called Nick like he had told her to, but got his voicemail. She continued to call him 19 more times while JWoww’s Pomeranian just sat there like once Snooki was done, they were both going to go hump something together. Nick never answered, and Snooki finally realized that Nick never answered her call because he found out that Snooki slept with his friend AND his friend’s cousin, which is as crazy and abhorred as discovering that a person loves ketchup but hates tomatoes? I don’t know. Later that night when everyone got home from the club, Snooki tried to have sex with Vinny, but he was more disgusted with her than the toilet he’s been trying to unplug for two weeks to do anything.

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“You know, hang out with the guys, and stuff, you know.” – Ronnie’s dad

Ronnie continued to feel so bad about Sam’s departure that he called his dad, who dropped everything, suited up by putting on his TEVAS and drove down to the shore to visit and console his son about his breakup. Ronnie’s dad said it would be good if he would just hang out with the guys for a while and even though it was going to be really hard to go on, he had to man up and do it anyway. When Pauly, The Situation and Deena got back from work, they introduced Ronnie to what they had bought that day, which was a motorcycle for a daffodil, and Ronnie got on it and laughed about as much as he probably did when he used to laugh at naked statues, which was his main form of entertainment before he met Sammi.

“I’m leaving my home right now, my serenity, to go back into the madness of the Jersey Shore.” – Sammi

For some reason, Sammi decided she wanted to leave her mom and her calm house with the light bulbs in the ceiling fans to go back to the Jersey Shore. Before Sammi left, her mother sat her down and told her that she was going to be thinking about her every day because what she was about to do was going to be very hard for the mental state she doesn’t have. But you know what, THIS SHOW IS FUCKING BORING WITHOUT SAMMI. Can I just say something for a second? While Sammi was home with her dogs with the goopy eyes and otherwise not in this episode at all, we watched as Snooki and Deena pranced around the house sticking marshmallows to the microwave, the mirrors, the staircase, and on the top of the duck phone. You know if Sammi had never left the shore house in the first place, we would have spent this entire episode being entertained because she probably would have been fighting with Ronnie, who would’ve been flailing his arms around and it would be like we were looking at his stretch marks through a prism. But instead, we had to sit through what the fucking editors had no choice but to leave in, which was all footage of what would’ve normally been cut out and used to create gift reels for someone’s nieces. We had to suffer through the continuation of this “prank war,” where the Situation called a cab for Deena and Snooki that was supposed to take them to a place called Jenks or something, but instead, The Situation paid the driver to drive them to Times Square. When they got back to the house, they told him they never wanted to speak to him again.

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In the very last second of the episode, Sammi walked back into the house and sent Ronnie running away from the blender he was using to mix his Ron-Ron juice. Everyone else greeted her, but Ronnie, literally, was so upset that he felt compelled to go sit outside next to a pile of cigarettes.

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