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‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Off to Thailand

Last night on The Bachelorette, the show’s most fundamental problem began. Every season, the bachelors and the bachelorettes go on a trip to some exotic location that is meant to really facilitate people falling in love with each other. The destination is usually tropical with beautiful sunsets and waterfalls and skimpy bikinis and tattoos and leis and all that. It’s supposed to be pretty romantic, and it usually is. But the problem is that in places like that, people are so spiritually moved by their surroundings that they could fall in love with a cockroach that had been bisected in half by poachers chasing a gorilla. This is because humans are sensory creatures, and our moods depend on the conditions of our surroundings. And so of course if you take a girl to Africa or Mexico or some other beautiful place, she’s going to fall in love. OF COURSE SHE IS! BECAUSE SHE IS HUMAN! She’ll be in a good mood and she’ll let herself go and she’ll talk herself into how this is what life is about – experiencing life with a partner. And while she’s right about how one of the greatest things in life is love, she’s wrong in thinking that the love she found on a trip to Switzerland while wearing the same sweater as her date has a plane ticket back to Philadelphia or wherever she’s from. Because it doesn’t. And this is why all of the couples that participate on this show have failed: their love hasn’t been able to make the journey back with them from their extremely romantic trip. AND EVEN THOUGH IT’S SO OBVIOUS THAT THIS IS WHAT’S HAPPENING, NO ONE SEEMS TO GET IT. Ashley has the capacity to because she probably knows what mitosis is. We’ll see, I guess.

“A lot of the time I do think of Bentley. I just can’t forget about him.” – Ashley

Now that that’s out of the way, the episode began with the guys learning they were going to Thailand and they’d be meeting Ashley there. Chris Harrison explained to them that Ashley needed a change of scenery, which is a pretty bitchy and lofty thing for a girl to say who hasn’t graduated dental school because she likes to dance. I’M SORRY. So the guys packed their bags and went on the plane, and then we cut to Ashley already in Thailand, walking around in her white bikini and red shorts and her wedges and complaining about how she wished Bentley was there with her. She said she knew she shouldn’t be feeling this attached to him, especially since before he left he didn’t say that he would try and return for her (which indicated that he didn’t really even want to be there), and yet there was Ashley, in beautiful Thailand and thinking about a guy who called her “ugly duckling” behind her back. GIRLS ARE SOOOOOOO DUMB.

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“Look how cute!” – Ashley

Ashley chose Constantine to go on the first one-on-one date, and she planned this nice day for the two of them where they’d go to a private beach and stand in a sandbar and make out. But it was raining, and the man who was supposed to boat them to their beach said there was a big wave coming and it wasn’t a good idea for them to leave the main island. (HOW ABOUT IT’S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO BE IN THAILAND??????) Ashley was pretty bummed that she and Constantine were going to have to do something else, so instead they went into Phuket and walked around. Ashley called everything cute, which is pretty demeaning and even though she meant it as a compliment, calling things “cute” just isn’t a way to respect a place that is letting you go about your business and be a moron about falling in love. Then they went to eat and complimented each other about how rain could fall out of the sky and they could still find something to do with each other. In an aside, Ashley admitted she was thinking about Bentley the whole time, and she’s just really stupid. Late that night they had dinner on the beach on a bed, and Ashley went into it hoping that Constantine didn’t notice that she was still hung up on Bentley, and she admitted that she kind of wanted to tell him how strong her feelings were for Bentley. Is she nuts? Who tells a guy about the feelings they have for another guy? They got to talking and Constantine asked Ashley how she stayed positive throughout the series so far, and she told him she did it by having strength and she clarified that she didn’t go into the show thinking that everyone would like her. Instead, she said she went on the show hoping to find a connection with someone who had a connection to her, and then she said how she spent the day wanting to be next to Constantine. The date ended with Ashley giving him a rose and walking along the beach and stepping on all the holes in the sand that are actually air holes for crabs. GIRLS ARE SO DUMB.

“I guess we’re going to be bringing the sunshine to them even though it’s raining.” – Ashley

For the group date, Ashley took a bunch of guys to an orphanage full of children whose parents had died in the tsunami of 2004 and told them they were going to paint it and make it more fun for the kids who live there. As the guys got to painting the rooms, they were impressed with how Ashley chose to spend a day in Thailand helping others, and were shocked with how much the community had been devastated by the flood. And obviously, it’s always awesome to watch insincere people suddenly become sincere to win the affections of a woman. A few of the dudes expressed disgust with Ryan, who was bossing everyone around and instructing them how to properly paint the corner of a room, sending people to try and find tarps to put over the floors, and generally acting like a head honcho asshole. After the orphanage was sufficiently revamped, Ashley took the guys to a pool and had a party with them to try and convince them that she really wanted them all to be there and acknowledge that she’d been distant since Bentley left. She ended up kissing Ben F. because at the orphanage, they painted an elephant that was using his trunk to water a bunch of flowers together. Then Ryan stole her away and she asked him to describe the personality of the house and he said he “gets along well with guys.” Then JP took Ashley away and took her to the beach and made out with her after they talked about their one-on-one date that took place right after Bentley left. The whole time Ashley was with JP, Ryan was sitting with the other guys cringing and watching them and so when the two of them returned from the beach and right before Ashley was going to give someone a rose for the day, Ryan whisked her away and took her to the beach again just to tell her that he looked forward to talking to her more in the future. At the end of the day, Ashley gave the rose to Ben, who painted the best elephant she’d ever seen. GIRLS ARE SO DUMB.

“Last minute is like the best minute, pretty much.” – Ames

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Ashley chose Ames to go on the second one-on-one date with her, and they had lunch on a boat and he told her how this wasn’t his first trip to Thailand. He explained that after he graduated college, he came to Phuket to hike some mountains and then later in his life when he was working, he found a cooking school in Thailand that he wanted to attend so he just dropped everything and went to Thailand. Ashley was amazed because that is exactly the kind of spontaneity that she’s looking for. Then they got off the boat and took a kayak into a cave and were paddling around all these twists and turns and Ames said it was good that he and Ashley were navigating the caves well because that’s exactly what two people have to do in a relationship. When they docked their kayak on a beach, they got to talking about intangible qualities they look for in partners and I then I went to go make sure I knew where my corkscrew was. Their date continued with dinner, where even though Ames didn’t kiss her, Ashley still gave him a rose. BUT IF A GUY DOESN’T MAKE A MOVE TO KISS YOU, HE’S NOT INTERESTED…WHICH MEANS ASHLEY IS FORCING GUYS TO STAY WITH HER WHO AREN’T INTERESTED IN HER NOW. AGAIN, GIRLS ARE DUMB.

“I’m really scared to open myself to someone who might become another Bentley.” – Ashley

At this week’s cocktail party, Ashley said she wanted to ask the guys some really serious questions about what they wanted out of this whole experience. But I feel like she asks questions every week and then she’s assured that coming on this show was the right idea, but then something happens to fuck with her head and then she has to ask the same important questions again. So naturally, the first person she chose to help convince herself that doing the show was right for her was West, the guy whose wife died. She sat him down and asked him if he was ready to seriously date again, and West admitted that he felt like the situation he’s in takes a while to get over, but that at this point in time, he felt comfortable being open to new possibilities. Ashley told him she felt like she was being asked to replace someone, and to her it was kind of like she was being set up to fail. But West was completely nice about it and reassured her that she shouldn’t feel that way because he’s a completely different person today than he was back then. Blah blah. BUT THEN SHE WENT AND TALKED TO LUCAS, WHO DIVORCED HIS WIFE. In other words, Ashley tried to convince herself that being on a show about love was a good idea by talking to the people who have lost their loved ones, either by death or divorce.

“Only one of you will be leaving here tonight.” – Chris Harrison

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison informed the guys that Ashley requested an extra rose that she could hand out because she didn’t want to send the wrong person home. Ashley came out and explained that she requested the extra rose because she wanted to have ample time to get to know everybody, and she didn’t want to make a mistake during elimination. WELL ASHLEY, THEN DON’T GO ON A REALITY SHOW WHERE THERE ARE NETWORK DEADLINES AND SHIT! IF YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW PEOPLE ON YOUR OWN PACE, STICK TO REAL LIFE! At the end of the episode, she eliminated WEST, who was charming, simply because he had a dead wife. ASHLEY, YOU IDIOT. DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THOSE WHO HAVE LOST KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE HOW TO LIVE?

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