[IMG:L]If only we lived a long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Someplace George Lucas would say, “I have created a Star Wars trilogy, and it is good.
But no. From The Phantom Menace to The Clone Wars, the animated series premiering Oct. 3 on the Cartoon Network, Lucas continues to do everything wrong in his bid to extend the life of beloved but debased 31-year-old film, TV and merchandising franchise.
Of course, knowing how Lucas loves to squeeze every Imperial Credit out of us without worrying too much about the integral of the franchise, things could be worse. Much worse. Imagine if Lucas ever did the following:
10. Hoping to strike gold with yet another restoration of the original trilogy, he changes the title of Return of the Jedi back to Revenge of the Jedi, replaces Peter Mayhew with a digital version of Chewbacca because he doesn’t like the way Mayhew wears Chewie’s bandolier sash and inserts new scenes with Shia LaBeouf as Han Solo’s never-before-seen son Mutt.
KEEP READING: Zac Efron as Luke…
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9. Coming down with a severe case of remake-itis, he also announces plans for a 21st-century reboot of the original trilogy. He casts Chris Klein as Han Solo, Zac Efron as Luke Skywalker, Avril Lavigne as Princess Leia, Judi Dench as Benni Obi-Wan Kenobi and Steven Segal as Jabba the Hut, with Eddie Murphy as the voice of Darth Vader. Brett Ratner is tabbed to direct.
KEEP READING: Two and Half Men star as a Jedi Knight…
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8. He decides the time is finally right for the long-anticipated final trilogy, concentrating on Anakin Skywalker’s Jedi Academy years. At the behest of son Jett, he casts Two and a Half Men’s Angus T. Jones as the cool, defiant Jedi Knight student who struggles to overcome his cross-dressing tendencies. Says Lucas: “Hey, it’s going to take three films, but important for fans to know how ‘Ani’ really got his nickname.”
KEEP READING: “Springtime for Jar Jar”…
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7. He pairs with Mel Brooks to bring a The Phantom Menace to musical to Broadway. He suggest, as the closing song, “Springtime for Jar Jar.”
KEEP READING: C3P0 and R2D2 come out of the closet…
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6. Emboldened by J.K. Rowling, Lucas outs Obi-Wan Kenobi, prompting a rash of Jedi-themed gay weddings during Star Wars Fan Day at Disneyland. Lucas, though, strenuously denies an Advocate exposé that C3PO and R2-D2 are more than just close friends in a bid to stop Alabama and Texas libraries from pulling the Star Wars: Droids DVD from their shelves.
KEEP READING: Sarah Palin as a podcast mom…
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5. To celebrate the 30th anniversary of CBS’ The Star Wars Holiday Special, he declares every day is Life Day. Misinterpreting this as a celebration of the culture of life, Sarah Palin campaigns as a podrace mom who can see Tatooine from Alaska.
KEEP READING: Lingerie–Leia-style!…
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4. He buys Victoria’s Secret and launches the Princess Leia Slavegirl lingerie line. The AARP Magazine cover of 51-year-old Carrie Fisher modeling a metal bikini sets off a run on Viagra, Cialis and Levitra.
KEEP READING: The “Star Wars” defense plan…
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3. Desperate to drum up free publicity for the DVD release of The Clone Wars, he agrees to fund George W. Bush’s revival of Ronald Reagan’s “Star Wars” defense plan—just in case Darth Vader and his evil Empire should attack the United States.
KEEP READING: Alien vs. Predator vs…Ewok?
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2. Coming May 25, 2009, to a theater near you: Alien vs. Predator vs. Ewok.
KEEP READING: A TV-friendly kid cartoon…
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1. In an effort to introduce Stars Wars to a new generation, he creates a kid-friendly TV cartoon, featuring a riot grrrl-ish young Padawan named Ahsoka Tano, that depicts the events between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. Oh, wait …
