What’s old is new again this summer.
Hollywood’s banking on remakes and big-screen versions of vintage TV shows to entertain the masses when temperatures start to soar.
So which stars will reap the benefits of going back to the future and who will end up with the summertime blues?
Elisha Cuthbert and Chad Michael Murray, House of Wax (May 5)
The Bottom Line: 24‘s damsel in distress and One Tree Hill‘s hunky hoopster take the well-traveled path from TV to film by revamping a horror classic. But the 1953 version doesn’t possess the same fear factor for teens as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror, and the remake lacks the 3D gimmickry that made the original a hit. So House of Wax will likely give Cuthbert and Murray that same career boosts that Chainsaw and Amityville did for Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds, respectively.
Adam Sandler, The Longest Yard (May 27)
The Bottom Line: Few cared to hear a mushy Sandler whisper sweet nothings in Spanglish in Paz Vega‘s ear. So he will likely appease his frat-boy following with this remake, as he did with Mr. Deeds following the flops Little Nicky and Punch-Drunk Love. This looks even louder and crasser than Sandler‘s first foray into football, The Waterboy, thus guaranteeing him another Super Bowl-size smash.
Cedric the Entertainer, The Honeymooners (June 10)
The Bottom Line: Haminahamina! It doesn’t matter whether the urbanization of Jackie Gleason‘s legendary blue-collar sitcom is pure inspiration or sheer lunacy. The unenviable task of making us forget the Great One falls on the rugged shoulders of the Barbershop big mouth. Cedric‘s a born entertainer, but this is one busman’s holiday that’s sadly bound to end in disaster for the rotund funnyman.
Nicole Kidman, Bewitched (June 24)
The Bottom Line: An icy Kidman barely survived last year’s poorly assembled The Stepford Wives spoof. Now she’s turning Elizabeth Montgomery‘s kooky 1960s sitcom into a postmodernist examination of Hollywood’s backstabbing practices? Oh, dear. Judging by the laugh-free trailer, no amount of nose twitching will magically make audiences appear in empty theater seats.
Tom Cruise, War of the Worlds (June 29)
The Bottom Line: So what if the trailers for War of the Worlds don’t boast a money shot à la Independence Day‘s wiping out of the White House? Cruise wouldn’t reunite with his Minority Report director, Steven Spielberg, if they didn’t have something spectacular planned for this latest adaptation of H.G. Wells’ invasion of Earth. Any bets Cruise kicks alien butt better than Will Smith?
Jennifer Connelly, Dark Water (July 8)
The Bottom Line: Japan keeps telling tales about things that go bump in the night, so Hollywood continues translating them into English. And that could be beautiful for the A Beautiful Mind Oscar winner. Both Naomi Watts and Sarah Michelle Gellar enjoyed great success The Ring and The Grudge, respectively. If Dark Water is creepier than either of those blockbusters, then we can finally forgive Connelly for her wasting her time and talent on The Hulk.
Johnny Depp, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (July 15)
The Bottom Line: Messing around with the cult classic Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory represents the riskiest undertaking yet by Depp and frequent collaborator Tim Burton. If Depp‘s too out there as the candy czar and Burton allows the proceedings to get darker than any bar of bitter chocolate, parents might not allow their kids to visit Wonka’s factory. But that might make it an even tastier treat for adoring fans of Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood.
Billy Bob Thornton, The Bad News Bears (July 22)
The Bottom Line: As the cantankerous and foul-mouthed Bad Santa, Thornton proved grumpier than Walter Matthau ever was with Jack Lemmon by his side. So that makes Thornton the perfect grouch to supplant Matthau as the perpetually hung-over Little League coach. And he’s playing with a ringer: director Richard Linklater, who’s School of Rock spoke to kids while cracking up their parents. That makes Bad News Bears a good prospect for baseball fans of all ages.
Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott, The Dukes of Hazzard (Aug. 5)
The Bottom Line: Is it a bad sign that Ashton Kutcher and Paul Walker decided not to take the General Lee for a spin? Perhaps, but at least The Rock‘s most recent costars should make this return visit to Hazzard County somewhat more tolerable. August was kind to big-screen versions of The Fugitive and S.W.A.T., so Knoxville and Scott could find themselves tormenting Boss Hogg for years to come. If not, at least Jessica Simpson can distract us with her Daisy Dukes.
