You guys, did you hear the news? Young Gerard Butler (some people somewhere also call him Chris Bukowski) is here to stay (for at least another ten minutes) as a contestant on Bachelor Pad. You know the show Bachelor Pad, don’t you? It’s the assisted living facility where fallen Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants have the chance to rise again: for cash, for fame, for gratuitous hooking up and all the other trashtastic things they swore they were not/would not do while on the original. Which…of course they would do all these things! They are on a reality show to win love. And they also all lost (in one way or another). So! You know…of course they are here, with their beach bods (because only people like them would call them that) and their not-here-to-make-friends attitudes. Of course.
But our young Chris, who recently had his heart broken by Princess Emily, house of Maynard from Charlotte, North Carolina, has the drive to succeed! Why, do you ask? What sets him apart from all the other lads and lasses that will pied pipe their way to mediocrity? Well, he was very, very recently spurned–as in, on last night’s episode-spurned–and throughout his journey, Chris has showcased certain traits that will no doubt make him Top Banana on the show. So let’s take a look at what makes Chris, well, Chris–and why that makes him the perfect Bachelor Pad contestant.
He’s Crazy-Aggressive
Remember when Chris got into a fight with Doug because he thought Doug was too nice or too perfect or whatever? Yeah, only a total agro dude could get that upset over someone else being…nice. Chris’ anger issues will make him an intimidating contender for the race for the big bucks. No doubt that’s got to count for something.
He’s Obsessive
No one could forget Chris’ awkward outburst during episode seven’s rose ceremony, right? Chris, seconds away from hearing who was going to receive the final rose of the evening…totally bugs out and begs Emily to talk to him before she announces who it is–which means he must’ve been convinced it was him. He has always been very vocal about his level of affection for Emily but this just brought it up to defcon twelve. He basically begged her to keep him in the competition. He is so convinced that Emily is the perfect woman for him that he’d go so far as to embarrass himself on national television in such a manner! But that sort of no-shame attitude is exactly the sort of thing that is perfect for Bachelor Pad. Just so long as Chris truly believes he deserves to win it all. Which I’m sure he does believe, given how spurned he was by Emily’s rejection.
He’s SUPER-Emotional and Kind of Bratty About It
Prague. Hoo boy! That was a rough one for our YGB, wasn’t it? Homeboy was SO convinced that he deserved the one-on-one date over every other dude there, that when he was relegated to the group date, he acted like a straight-up petulant child throughout the entire evening. They were in a castle! He still was able to have some alone time with Emily! But what did he do? Squander it talking about how upset he was that he didn’t get a one-on-one date. This will ultimately probably hurt Chris in the competition, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make for hilarious television. Which brings us to…
He’s Entitled
Nothing works better on television than a contestant who so blindly believes they are better and more deserving than everyone else. Chris is just that. Chris believes that anything he wants, he deserves more than anyone else. And if Chris is on this show, it’s because he believes he can win and he deserves it. So, need we say more here?
He’s Attractive
The ladies on the show are going to go bonkers for Chris–who was actually voted “Class Hottie” (high schools are very interesting breeding grounds for exemplary academic and intellectual behavior, aren’t they?) back in the day. And we all know that Emily found him to be an uber-hunk. So just imagine him with his shirt off, hanging out around a bunch of sex-crazed reality tartlets. He’s going to have them all wrapped around his finger in no time. Thus, we believe that he’ll do well to partner up with any (and as many) of the ladies as possible. He should definitely sleep with a few of them to build a harem of allegiance (and also because I’m fairly sure they’ll all contractually obligated to sleep with each other. What who said that?) to keep his spot secure. Also because it will just be really entertaining to see a bunch of grown women ripping each other’s hair out over some dude they met twenty-seven seconds ago.
Spoilsports UNITE!
Because of this, we think it would be smart to start an allegiance with Kalon (also from his season). Because Kalon is not to be trusted, but Kalon is also smart (except for when he says really dumb sh*t like “your child is baggage”) and will probably use his weasel-like ways to make it pretty far in the competition.
BONUS: He CANNOT Dance
OK so this probably will hurt Chris and completely takes away from the argument, but his inability to do a simple two-step is so mesmerizing, it could force his competitors into submission just by blindsiding them (and then taking everything).
Do you think Chris will go far on Bachelor Pad? Did we miss any of his strengths or weaknesses? Sound off below!
[Image Credit: ABC]
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‘Bachelorette’ Contestant Kalon McMahon Nabs a Spot in ‘Bachelor Pad’ Season 3 Cast
