Despite the fact that 89 of the 101 total Grammy Awards were doled out before the televised broadcast and Alicia Keys didn’t win a single one of those, it’s still her world and we’re lucky to be part of it. Keys walked away with five of the 12 awards actually handed out during the broadcast, tying a record by a female artist for most Grammys won in one year.
Capturing the current grassroots musical zeitgeist of neosoul and bluegrass (a strange combination, no doubt, but strange combinations were a theme at this year’s show) the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack also captured five tiny statuettes. U2 wasn’t to be denied, either, and “Walk[ed] On” with four of their own.
Here’s a recap of the proceedings, which were ably (if not spectacularly) hosted by Jon Stewart:
7:55 p.m.: I sat down and turned on the TV. Five minutes early, so Entertainment Tonight was still on. Bummer.
8:00 p.m.: Fittingly, eight-time nominee U2 opened the show–easily a highlight of the night. They’re still the best, but they may be aging. Their contract stipulated they couldn’t perform past 8:30, as they have to be in bed by 9.
8:04 p.m.: U2 still performing, which reminds me that I still need to buy their album. After all, I’ve downloaded most of their MP3s off the Internet.
8:05 p.m.: First not-so-random celebrity star sighting from the crowd: Celine Dion.
8:08 p.m.: Jon Stewart “enters” the stage through a metal detector. Concerns about security aren’t so funny, especially when it means seeing Stewart in his underwear. Stewart makes up for it with a Jay-Z joke, which I have to explain for my wife. She’s not down like I am.
8:12 p.m.: U2 promptly wins the first Grammy presented, for Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal. Quelle surprise. (That’s French for what the heck was Matthew Perry doing presenting a Grammy? And with Britney Spears by his side? Let’s call this strange combination sighting No. 1.)
8:17 p.m.: First Survivor commercial. At this rate CBS will show 13 by night’s end.
8:18 p.m.: Mya, Pink, Li’l Kim and Christina Aguilera shimmy their way through “Lady Marmalade” wearing nothing more than what was shown in that Victoria’s Secret TV special, once again proving that the performances really are the best part of the Grammys.
8:25 p.m.: The scantily clad quartet wins a Grammy for Pop Collaboration with Vocals. Clearly Grammy voters were swayed by the video: bully for them. How come when I dance in my underwear I don’t get public notice? Positive public notice, that is.
8:32 p.m.: In an unintentional tribute to Simon & Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence” the Grammys telecast goes dark and mute for 42 seconds.
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8:33 p.m.: Strange combination sighting No. 2: From the “How To Get a Classical Musician on the Grammys” Department: a Grammy-winning cellist (no, I don’t know her name) opens for Train’s rendition of “Drops of Jupiter.”
8:35 p.m.: The cellist sends me back to the fridge for some more soda.
8:37 p.m.: Back at the sofa. Is it me, or does Train’s frontman have really big feet?
8:39 p.m.: In what seems to be a trend, Train becomes the third performer to win a Grammy (Rock Song) almost immediately after performing. U2 was robbed! Or not.
8:45 p.m.: Second Survivor ad sighting. CBS is slipping.
8:46 p.m.: Strange combination sighting No. 3: From the “How To Get a Latin Performer Who Isn’t Santana Singing in Spanish on the Grammys” Department, Alejandro Sanz and Destiny’s Child combine on “Quisiera Ser.” Whatever the language, those ladies are darned attractive.
8:52 p.m.: Had to explain Jamie Foxx‘s “I’ve seen your work and I’d like to do something with you” line regarding fellow presenter Pamela Anderson (strange combination sighting No. 4) to wife.
8:53 p.m.: The immensely talented and popular Alicia Keys wins the Grammy for R&B Album, and single-handedly sets in motion her own trend.
9:02 p.m.: The geriatric crowd gets equal time as Tony Bennett and Billy Joel reprise Joel‘s now classic “New York State of Mind.”
9:04 p.m.: I may call this Strange Combination Sighting No. 5, but this was easily the best performance of the night. White-bread ‘N Sync and rappers Nelly raised the roof (see how down I am?) with a weaving medley of a couple songs. Way cool.
9:11 p.m.: Almost continuing the trend of performing and then winning, Nelly Furtado (definitely not the same as rap group Nelly) picks up her hardware.
9:16 p.m.: Survivor ad. Again. I’m not impressed.
9:18 p.m.: My wife makes fun of my eclectic taste as I groove to the bluegrass stylings of The Soggy Bottom Boys and others from the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack. I just love saying “Soggy Bottom Boys.”
9:24 p.m.: The skimpy outfit of the year award goes to presenter Sheryl Crow. Still, not enough skin for my taste. Oh J.Lo, oh J.Lo, where art thou, J.Lo?
9:31 p.m.: Yet another Survivor ad. Is CBS flogging a dead horse or what?
9:33 p.m.: Alicia Keys performs with Flamenco King Joaquin Cortez for strange combination sighting No. 6. By the way, who gives out the title of “Flamenco King” and what do you have to do to get it?
9:37 p.m.: Alicia does the tango with Joaquin. I swoon. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
9:38 p.m.: Kevin James and Ray Romano are on stage together to present the New Artist Grammy. According to host Jon Stewart, the two were paired to present because of “synergy.” According to me, they were paired to present because they both work on CBS sitcoms.
9:41 p.m.: Continuing two trends: She performs, she wins. Alicia Keys bests fellow neosoul goddesses India.Arie and Nelly Furtado to win New Artist of the Year.
9:44 p.m.: Not part of the telecast, but props to Reebok for a cool commercial featuring Missy Elliot and Venus Williams.
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9:48 p.m.: Jon Stewart, introducing the Dave Matthews Band, makes a reference to patchouli, which, of course, I have to explain to my wife. When’s her bedtime?
9:54 p.m.: Another U2 Grammy; this one for Best Rock Duo, Trio, Group or Battalion with Vocals and Accordion. Or something like that.
9:57 p.m.: My wife falls asleep. Thank goodness. Now I can enjoy Jon Stewart in peace.
10:00 p.m.: Two hours down, 90 minutes to go. I might not make it.
10:03 p.m.: Bob Dylan performs in a cowboy hat. As if that’s gonna make his mumbling more understandable. No one has understood anything the man has said in the last 23 years.
10:08 p.m.: Matthew McConaughey is just one of the girls as he walks out to present the Album of the Year with Gloria Estefan and Janet Jackson. This is strange combination sighting No. 7.
10:10 p.m.: I’m right–bluegrass is cool again! The soundtrack for O Brother, Where Art Thou? wins Album of the Year, and half the Staples Center walks up onto the stage to accept the award.
10:15 p.m.: Yet another unabashed Survivor plug. Has CBS no shame?
10:22 p.m.: Alicia Keys wins another Grammy for Song of the Year. Has CBS tried to sign her on to the cast of Survivor?
10:24 p.m.: I realize that 144 minutes is a long time without a bathroom break.
10:33 p.m.: NARAS Chairman and CEO Michael Greene is on a 12-minute rant, blasting people who rip and download music files. Isn’t this supposed to be a celebration of music and not a national soapbox? Michael, not everyone likes to be lectured. Great time for that bathroom break I’ve been craving.
10:46 p.m.: OutKast is on stage performing. Hmm, all the Grammy head honchos must be asleep. Or they’ve switched over to Law & Order on NBC.
10:51 p.m.: Strange combination sighting No. 8: songbird Nelly Furtado tears it up with vocal-less guitar master Steve Vai. Effective, but really strange.
10:54 p.m.: And the Grammy for Rap Album goes to OutKast! That’s another trend followed (if you perform, you win), and one of our predictions was actually correct!
11:00 p.m.: Alan Jackson tugs at heartstrings (and makes my eyes droop) with his sappy ballad. Three hours and counting: Will this show ever end?
11:08 p.m.: I wake up suddenly from an unexpected catnap. Did I miss anything? No? Drat.
11:10 p.m.: Neosoul contines to rule the night as India.Arie sings movingly on stage. She’s right: she’s not “the average girl on the video.” She’s something far superior.
11:15 p.m.: Stevie Wonder sings for kisses from fellow presenters Celine Dion and Bonnie Raitt. Good thing he’s blind. (Strange combination sighting No. 9.) U2 wins the final award of the night, Record of the Year.
11:28 p.m.: The final performance, a gospel tribute featuring Lifetime Achievement Award winner Al Green, is winding down, and Jon Stewart bids America good night. Hallelujah, indeed.
