Premieres. Red carpets. High fashion. Expensive Toys. Self-promotion. Yes, celebrity life is filled with extravagance. Why is so important, then, for us to also hear that they change diapers just like us? Or that they wake up in the middle of the night with migraines and anxiety attacks? This blatant duality is why so many of us are interested in their off-screen antics. Well, that and that fact that there’s no $10.75 ticket price required to see them in all their glory–on TV.
The glossy banter that ensues when they appear on Conan or heck, even the hapless The Tony Danza Show, is sometimes fluid and riveting, other times extremely awkward and shallow, but always entertaining and supplies us with a glimpse at what these stars are like in the ‘real’ world.
Here, for your comprehensive viewing pleasure, is a beefy listing of who is appearing on which talk show this week, and what they’ll probably talk about in the hot seat, other than their ever-growing bank accounts—which is what we really want to hear more about, well maybe…
But First…
Last week’s highlight
Hell hath no Fury like the ‘O’ when she’s been scorned. The week before last, it was the world’s worst memoirist, James Frey, who took a pounding from Winfrey. If you’re going to dupe anyone, do yourself a favor and make it Star Jones, David Letterman, Ellen—but not the big O. The remorseful Frey now knows better.
Last week Oprah was tame, but she still got the goods from Dave Chappelle, the brilliant comedian, and host of Chappelle’s Show, who mysteriously walked away from his hit show–and a multi-million dollar contract–in 2005.
Going into the show, the stage was already set, and the turmoil high for fireworks. One of Chappelle’s most popular sketches, other than his Rick James and R. Kelly parodies, was the notorious segment when “he got Oprah pregnant,” and proceeded to obnoxiously freeload off of her riches. Would the staid host have a sense of humor about it? Or would she stand up and give him an Oprah-sized boot to the temple?
Whew. Turns out, she thought it was hysterical, but, nonetheless, she wasn’t going to let him get away without explaining his alleged 2005 meltdown. “I didn’t walk away from the money, but I walked away from the circumstances that came along with the newfound plateau,” Chappelle emotionally told the audience.
Not the kind of guy you’d expect to get sappy on Oprah, but also not the guy to hesitate to play off of that public sentiment. “Love is like a nutrient, and I was deficient on vitamin love,” he went on to say while donning a devilish grin.
And, Chappelle furthered, love was something that ultimately withered away from the environment surrounding his Comedy Central show. “I loved being famous. The problem was the way that people position themselves around you to get in your pocket and your mind,” he told the big O. So he just ‘bounced’ to Africa. Not even telling his wife of his solo self-searching mission.
What’s next for a man who was forced to worry about how socially responsible he was acting, being a black public figure—or even more dicey, a role model?
“I’ve been like a pendulum, back and forth on the issue of going back to the show. I’d come back if I can create the proper work environment. But more importantly, I would like to contribute my end of the DVD sales to a better cause. I don’t want the money, I just want to do my show, and give the money to people who aren’t exploiting me.”
This should come as promising news to the audience that made his Chappelle Show DVDs some of the best-selling disks of all time. But his words also fell short of coming across as a steady promise. Something in his demeanor was pained by the fact that the show may not live again–the way he wants it to. Time will tell.
Monday, February 6th
Live With Regis & Kelly
What’s Roseanne been up to lately? Find out Monday morning when she visits the morning duo, and performs a children’s song on Live. I’ve seen the promo for her children’s video–and my friends, to see it is to believe it! Also checking in is Tia Carrere forced to shuffle off of Dancing With the Stars.
The View
Paula Abdul takes a much-needed rest from saying barely anything productive, and slapping Simon Cowell on the shoulder when she stops by to talk with the brick wall of punishing authority (a.k.a the gals of The View). Racy author Jackie Collins, and Train also to appear.
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
It’s Ellen‘s 30th high-school reunion, and of course she can’t resist celebrating the event on air. Helping to make it a more of a festive event will be the soon-to-be off-air Debra Messing from Will & Grace, and Barry Manilow.
The Late Show With David Letterman
“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.” – Harrison Ford as Han Solo.
Doubtful that his newest release Firewall, a white-collar thriller, will bring him back to Han Solo type coolness, but, nonetheless, Harrison Ford is always an interesting interview subject.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
Sure to have an annoying series of cackling laughs, but in between dreadful anecdotes Terry Bradshaw just might be able to deliver some insight into the previous night’s Superbowl. Yo-Yo Ma & John Williams perform.
Late Night With Conan O’Brien
The bad news is that it’s a repeat from September; the good news is that September wasn’t far removed from Martha Stewart’s release from prison. Here’s your chance to revisit this fresh-from-the-pokey interview; as well there’s a performance from one of 2005’s most recognized ‘IT’ groups, Death Cab for Cutie.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Larry David secretly fell for her on Curb Your Enthusiasm, maybe you will too. Mary Steenburgen takes a trip visit Craig.
Tuesday, February 7th
Live With Regis & Kelly
“Are you suggesting that I killed my wife? Are you saying that I crushed her skull and that I shot her? How dare you. When I came home, there was a man in my house. I fought with this man. He had a mechanical arm. You find this man. You find this man.”
Just wanted to sneak in one more catchy Harrison Ford quote. Go to bed with him on Letterman, and wake up to him with Regis. Jackpot! The O.C.’s Rachel Bilson also among the guests.
[PAGEBREAK]The View
Freddie Prinze Jr. may actually have a hit sitcom on his hands–who would’ve thought? The resurrection of Brian Austin Green as his co-star certainly doesn’t hurt. Freddie visits The View, as does Cindy Crawford.
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
Alright Jamie Foxx, we know! You starred in Ray, and sang on Kanye West’s “Golddigger.” Ellen and Jamie seem to be everywhere these days. Now they finally get a chance to talk about it together.
The Oprah Winfrey Show
Faith Hill & Tim McGraw open up about their tight relationship, and debut their brand new love song.
The Late Show with David Letterman
I told her not to be so public about it, but Beyonce Knowles has chosen David Letterman to be the first person she tells of our imminent nuptials. Actually, plugging The Pink Panther, is a bit more likely.
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Can’t escape the Ellen craze. Ms. DeGeneres does her best to take over NBC completely by appearing on The Tonight Show. Yellowcard performs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Meet the Barkers–Travis and Shanna–and hear more about their ‘reality’, if you will.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
“Get off my plane!” Okay, I’m sorry. Last Harrison Ford quote, I promise. Songstress K.T Tunstall performs.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Two CBS TV stars stay up Late Late. Lauren Holly of NCIS, and Jeff Probst from Survivor.
Wednesday, February 8th
Live With Regis & Kelly
Josh Holloway visits Regis and Kelly to discuss what it’s like being the most overlooked actor on the addictive show Lost. I kid you, of course, because I love his character, Sawyer. Old-hat 90’s band Collective Soul performs.
The View
Daytime Emmy Awards announcement—the chatty ladies sit on pins and needles as they await the news of whether or not they’ve nabbed a nom.
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
Mentalist, psychic and magician Gerard Senehi visits Ellen. Bonnie Raitt performs.
The Oprah Winfrey Show
Matthew McConaughey chats about his latest rom-com with Failure to Launch.
The Late Show with David Letterman
Stupid Human Tricks—a favorite segment for many–should make for a fun show coupled with the Beastie Boys.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
The Fray performs
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Is Jorge Garcia’s character Hugo Reyes really going to get involved with adorable Libby? Maybe he’ll deliver some Lost morsels on Kimmel.
Late Night With Conan O’Brien
Golden Globe, and SAG award winner Rachel Weisz visits Conan to talk about her Oscar-nominated role in The Constant Gardener. Critically acclaimed band Sigur Ros performs.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Jean Reno talks about his appearance in The Pink Panther, and hopefully will give some information on his other yet-to-be-released project The Da Vinci Code. Zooey Deschanel of Failure to Launch also guests.
Thursday, February 9th
Live With Regis & Kelly
It must really take a Desperate Housewife to tolerate Michael Bolton day-in and day-out. Nicolette Sheridan visits Live.
The View
Appearing will be Jane Curtin of the new series Crumbs, and comic Mario Cantone with his inevitably caustic Grammy wrap-up.
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
Grammy show run-down.
The Late Show With David Letterman
Heidi Klum talks about her smash-hit reality show Project Runway. I know Santino may not deserve to win, but his impression of Tim is just uncanny.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
Boy, Michelle Williams seems to be paving a better career path than that of the other Dawson’s Creek female alum. Not mentioning any names. Rob Thomas performs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Country singer-turned-actor Dwight Yoakam is among the guests.
Late Night With Conan O’Brien
Nicollette Sheridan reappears on the circuit–this time at night; Steve Coogan, and Aimee Mann join.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Fiona Apple performs from her 2005 album Extraordinary Machine.
Friday, February 10th
Live With Regis & Kelly
On-air marriage celebration for the most-deserving couple who sent Regis and Kelly a letter in the hopes of swapping vows on the show.
The View
Minnie Driver pops in–perhaps to discuss an adoption drive for the “Love of Dogs Event” that she’ll be launching the next day.
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
Must…not…quote Harrison Ford—I promise. Sheryl Crow performs.
The Late Show With David Letterman
Martha Stewart stops in to perhaps give a dose of more reality; as well, comedian Brian Regan.
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
Paul Walker of the new Disney Adventure film Eight Below; and Fiona Apple performs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Nick Cannon, who somehow got a new season out of his MTV show Wild ‘N Out, will appear. Damian Marley performs.
Late Night With Conan O’Brien
Paul Bettany of the new Harrison Ford thriller Firewall hangs out with Conan.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Eddie Izzard
Happy viewing to all, and next time you’re having a rough day, just watch as many talk shows as possible—and slip into someone else’s world. You’ll be feeling better in no time.
