Today’s Highs
Everything Is Better With Ninjas
From the producers of Dead Snow, last summer’s Nazi-Zombie extravaganza, comes Norwegian Ninjas. Ninjas is directed by brand new director Thomas Cappelen Malling, and features a bunch of Norwegian actors I’ve never heard of. The film is kinda based on the true story of Arne Trehold, a diplomat deported for spying for the Soviets during the Cold War. But in this film Trehold is part of a secret ninja force that protects ‘Norwegian Supreme Laws.’ I like how this film had a perfectly serviceable plot for a spy/espionage thriller, but they went “Nah, never mind” and made it about ninjas instead. Good decision making, everyone!
Today’s Lows
Shrek Is Trying To Kill You
Confirming the suspicions of film critics everywhere, federal regulators determined today that serious health problems may occur after too much contact with Shrek promotional products. Specifically McDonalds’ drinking glasses containing toxic, carcinogenic cadmium. McDonalds issued a recall of the glasses, which they have been selling alongside meals, and offered refunds. Federal regulators have lately cracked down on the use of cadmium in children’s products, as it can lead to kidney and liver damage, as well as some forms of cancer. Some have questioned, however, how anyone was able to tell the effects of cadmium from that of a typical meal at McDonalds.
This Week in The Obvious: People On Jersey Shore Are Gross
According to producer SallyAnn Salano, the Jersey Shore cast is a “herpes nest”, and she’s been passing out Valtrex “like M&Ms.” She was quick to reassure Newser that, despite being responsible for the largest VD epidemic since Columbus brought over syphilis, she’s always had the cast’s best interests at heart and even keeps a therapist on set. That’s all well and good, but I wish Salano would hire a therapist for everyone who’s had to read about this. I could use a big bucket of brain bleach right about now.
Sources: LA Times, Newser, SlashFilm
