An insatiable thirst for blood, a prodigious talent for pillaging and a general disregard for civilized standards of decorum are just a few of the traits that mark a good barbarian. But who’s the best barbarian? Check out our no-holds-barred battle royale …
Loincloth Division: Conan the Barbarian vs. He-Man
As a rule, barbarians generally prefer to do their pillaging while wearing as little clothing as possible. Why? Because armor is for wussies — and because barbarians are surprisingly vain individuals. In a fierce battle between these two oiled-up, monosyllabic muscleheads from the ’80s, Conan prevails decisively. What kind of barbarian calls himself “Prince Adam,” anyway?
KEEP READING: Maximus vs. Leonidas
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Sword and Sandals Division: Maximus vs. King Leonidas
It was the Greco-Roman civilization that originated the term “barbarian,” which they applied to foreign peoples who couldn’t speak Greek. (The irony that both Greeks and Romans were guilty of a variety of outrageously barbaric practices was lost on them, apparently.) We initially gave the edge to 300‘s Leonidas in this match-up, until we learned that his on-screen physique benefited from numerous CGI “enhancements” courtesy of director Zack Snyder.
KEEP READING: Quest for Fire vs. 10,000 B.C.
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Caveman Division: Amoukar (Quest for Fire) vs. (D’Leh) 10,000 B.C.
Ron Perlman’s Simian features and caveman mannerisms in Quest for Fire were so convincing that we actually believed him to be the fabled missing link – until he proved himself in subsequent roles to be disappointingly articulate. Steven Strait‘s D’Leh, on the other hand, is little more than a prehistoric pretty boy – the Mesolithic Era’s equivalent of a metrosexual.
KEEP READING: Daryl Hannah vs. Keira Knightley
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Catfight Division: Ayla (Clan of the Cave Bear) vs. Guinevere (King Arthur)
Keira Knightley deserves kudos for donning war paint and battling the boys as Guinevere in Antoine Fuqua‘s re-imagining of the Knights of the Round Table legend, but no amount of cinematic sleight of hand could make us believe that her boney arms could handle a bow without snapping. Much more convincing was Hannah, who tussled with Neanderthals while flaunting the best hair in all of pre-history — centuries before the advent of conditioner.
KEEP READING: Humungus vs. Blaster
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Post-Apocalyptic Division: Humungus (The Road Warrior) vs. Blaster (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome)
George Miller’s Mad Max trilogy is notable for its pioneering vision of post-apocalyptic barbarian couture. While both of Blaster and Humungus cast imposing figures, Blaster proved in Thunderdome that without the help of his tag-team partner Master, he was easily bested by a foe with a superior intellect. (Which included just about any two-legged resident of the Aussie wasteland.) Just walk away, Blaster. Just walk away.
KEEP READING: Pathfinder vs. Outlander
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Viking Division: Ghost (Pathfinder) vs. Kainan (Outlander)
Though barbarians existed long before the Norse rose to prominence, it was the Vikings who truly mastered and refined the barbarian arts. The edge here goes to Outlander‘s Kainan, if only because Passion of the Christ star Jim Caviezel has already demonstrated that he can withstand unholy amounts of punishment. Don’t f–k with the Viking Jesus, man.
KEEP READING: Jack vs. Benicio
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Feral Division: Will Randall (Wolf) vs. Lawrence Talbot (The Wolf Man)
Were this a contest to determine who’s the better cocksman, Jack Nicholson’s lycan lothario would win hands-down. But Jack’s legendary sex appeal does him no help in this battle. The Wolf Man may not come out until November 6, 2009, but we’ve seen enough to know that Benicio Del Toro’s wild-eyed werewolf would make mincemeat of Jack.
KEEP READING: Xena vs. Hercules
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Basic-Cable Division: Xena vs. Hercules
Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys reigned supreme throughout the late ‘90s in the basic-cable action world, where low-rent visual effects and hackneyed writing combined with sex appeal for some of the schlockiest entertainment ever. But Kevin Sorbo‘s well-coiffed Hercules was just Fabio with better English skills. Xena could take him in a heartbeat.
KEEP READING: Fraser vs. Fraser
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Brendan Fraser Division: Encino Man vs. George of the Jungle
Oh, if only our rules allowed for double knockouts. Just about the only barbaric aspect of either of these dreadful fish-out-of-water comedies was the script. Ultimately, George gets the slight edge in this Fraser fracas because no self-respecting barbarian would ever hang out with Pauly Shore.
KEEP READING: Flinstone vs. Hagar
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Cartoon Division: Fred Flintstone vs. Hagar the Horrible
Frankly, neither of these cartoon caricatures is a credit to the barbarian tradition. Aside from the occasional tussle with Dino, Fred’s been completely domesticated, while Hagar spends so much time being browbeaten by his wife Helga that he barely ever gets a chance to pillage England. But Hagar must have done something violent to earn the Horrible moniker, right? We certainly hope so.
