The video-game leviathan known as E3 is once again upon us, and those of us who count ourselves fanatics of great games are beyond excited. Whenever I see such a communal celebration of video-game culture, I can’t help but be reminded of one of my favorite sci-fi movies of all time: Tron. So I started thinking about the possibility of being sucked into a video game and wondered which titles from our illustrious gaming history would provide the best environments for such a digital exile.
Super Mario Brothers 3
This franchise has graduated to full-blown video-game dynasty. Though there have been countless titles under this banner, I would specifically want to live in the landscape of Super Mario Brothers 3. So while you would still have the ease and convenience of traveling via the public pipe transportation system, you would also have the ability to turn into a raccoon and fly…like a raccoon?
Left 4 Dead 2
L4D2 may seem an odd choice for a gaming world we wish we could live in, but as a certified horror geek I can think of no better pastime than mowing down hordes of the undead and adjusting their status to merely dead. The pairing of zombie chaos with the city of New Orleans is pitch-perfect given the supernatural, mystic vibe of the Big Easy. But woes betide me if I startle the witch or fail to shoot the boomer before he gets too close. At least I will have my three zombie-hunter compatriots with me, all of whom having inexplicably competent medical knowledge should I require patching up.
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Essentially this choice is designed to give our id a place to run wild. Grand Theft Auto is basically a world without consequences. Sure, you shoot enough gang members in broad daylight or flatten too many hookers with your stolen Caddy and the cops will pursue you. But consider the relief of rounding the right corner and walking through a big icon that instantly makes law enforcement ignorant of your misdeeds! Vice City is the obvious choice of the bunch, because who wouldn’t want to commit felonies while wearing neon shirts under stark white suits or listening to Judas Priest and Mister Mister?
Halo
The gorgeous, all-encompassing planetary scenery is reason enough to want to live in the world of Halo, but the ability to utilize futuristic weaponry is no small incentive either. The real benefit to living in the world of Halo is being able to have gigantic death matches with your friends. Since they re-spawn constantly, why not attach a sticky grenade to their suit and kneel over their dead body afterward as a hilarious sign of dominance? Personally, I would love the chance to drive the warthog and spend the day fragging my foolish adversaries.
Legend of Zelda
Though not the most advanced in terms of graphics, I could live with being blocky and only being able to observe my enemies from overhead. I also know the locations of the entrances of all nine dungeons, so I would rock through Hyrule in no time. I would be freaking Link, for crying out loud — the savior of Zelda and the wearer of the goofy, Christmas Elf hat! Not to mention I would be in the game that was among the first to allow players to save their progress, so I wouldn’t have to worry about starting over if someone came along and bumped the giant NES in which I would invariably be confined.
God of War III
I am a big fan of mythology, but there’s reading dusty books recounting the names of all the gods, and then there’s opening up a titanic can of whoop-ass on Mt. Olympus. God of War III explores more of the underworld aspect of Greek mythology, which was always my favorite aspect, and again, destroying Hades with the bow of Apollo is far more exciting than a trip to the world history museum. Kratos is a warrior who fears no one and has the rage and power to level entire planes of existence…need I say more?
Castlevania
I love Hammer films from the late ’60s, wherein the incomparable Peter Cushing routinely pitted himself against Christopher Lee’s Dracula. I imagine the world of Castlevania would be a rock-opera, Labyrinth version of a Hammer film. As much as I would love using a badass whip to take down the minions of the Prince of Darkness, I don’t think I would ever get used to the insanely tiny staircases. I envision that, much like in the game, it would take me a few attempts to perfectly line up my feet and negotiate the stairs. I would therefore be the dopiest-looking vampire hunter in the world.
Sonic the Hedgehog 2
I am a tad out of shape — OK, more than a tad. So given the opportunity to possess the power of super speed, I would lose my mind. Luckily, I would be surrounded by lush environments of corkscrews and loops for me to blaze through with the fury of a hedgehog…nature’s speed demon? Sonic the Hedgehog 2 has my favorite levels, Casino Night and Oil Ocean, and despite my view constantly being obstructed by the perpetually annoying Tails, I would have a blast using velocity to thwart the evil Dr. Robotnik.
Bioshock
Yes, I am aware that bad things will more than likely happen to me, but there is something too beautiful about the city of Rapture to pass up. I have always wanted to live beneath the ocean and avoiding the ever intimidating big daddies to do so seems a small penance. I’m a supporter of stem cell research and all, but I would recommend steering clear of the little orphan girls who will try to harvest them from your corpse. Heebies and jeebies abound in this world, but it would be endlessly cool.
Red Dead Redemption
I can’t think of anything more awesome than being a cowboy. It was something we all imagined being as kids, and Red Dead Redemption gives us the very real opportunity to do so. Not only would I make my badass presence known throughout the ridiculously expansive environments, I would also take on as many charity missions as I could; easy enough as almost every person you talk to in the game has just been robbed or is about to be hanged. That’s not to say I wouldn’t occasionally throw the bandana over my face and rob a stagecoach, but that’s what being a complicated man of the west is all about. Plus, the bandana will neutralize my wanted level so all is well.
