Dear Hollywood (and all that you encompass):
Greetings! We understand that your holidays were very merry indeed: a record box office year, the awards race heats up, and how about that Madonna wedding?
But now that we’ve entered into the new millennium (for real), we thought that we’d drop you a note of concern — as friends often do — on how to make your life better this year. So we’ve enclosed some tips to add to your list of New Year’s resolutions. Sound good?
We thought so.
Trends You Should Avoid in 2001
Trying to make Lightning Strike Twice (or More)
So you were shocked at how quickly “Survivor” caught on. But it doesn’t mean we need five different knockoffs to shove it down our throats. Come on! It’s bad enough that we’ll be voting people off the Australian Outback this time. Do we really need to have “The Mole” or “Temptation Island” stuffing our voyeuristic needs? Learn a lesson from those big money, primetime gameshows that failed after “Millionaire”: Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby. And if it didn’t work the first time (“Making the Band”), why try again? (“Popstars”). Please refrain. (By the way: “Blair Witch 2“? Unforgivable.)
Making Head Cases Rich
In case you haven’t noticed, some of the tabloids are having a little too much fun with your entertainers. That’s because in between gigs they’re making their way up the perp walk and posing for mug shots. Robert Downey Jr., Eminem, Ol’ Dirty Bastard … Why do you continue to make investments in those whose future public appearances might be restricted to the courtroom? You might as well write your checks directly to the lawyers: They’re getting rich off your greed.
Creating TV Shows Named After Movie Stars
Just because you’ve won some awards in film doesn’t mean you can jump into a self-titled sitcom and it’ll be good. Bette Midler tried to parody herself on “Bette,” but after harsh reviews and disappointing ratings, even the Divine Miss M is starting to sound a little weary of television life. And as for “The Geena Davis Show” … the only reason people are even watching that mess is to await a second coming of her Emmy night peek-a-boo dress.
Bare Midriffs
Unlike other countries of the world, we do have the resources to make full-length shirts, so let’s stop with the fabric conservation and end the navel gazing this year. We’ve got tops that show off the flat stomachs; we’ve got jewel tattoos that decorate the belly; we’ve got belt chains that dig into the flesh. Tell your skinny ninnies to cover it up once in a while, and maybe the rest of us who have more flab than ab won’t feel so resentful.
John Travolta Films
‘Nuff said.
