Movie Monsters Worth Rebooting
Before we begin, let’s make on thing clear: I am not suggesting that these movie monsters get re-made. I’m saying these guys could make for an interesting new movie, not necessarily should. But I find it’s best to approach horror remakes with a “glass half full” perspective — simply because these flicks aren’t going anywhere, it always helps to maintain a little positivity, and (of course) a small handful of horror remake are actually quite good. You just have to sift through a lot of coal to find the diamonds. And by coal I mean cinematic poop.
But since The Wolfman is about to make a brand-new appearance in movie theaters this weekend, it only makes sense to wonder who might be next. We’ll omit remake-friendly folks like Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Blob, The Thing, The Fly, King Kong, Godzilla, Jason, Michael, Freddy, and Leatherface, and perhaps try to find an old monster who actually would look good in a slick new movie. And remember, horror fans, a remake that sucks doesn’t “ruin” the original. It simply stands as an example of how hard it is to make a good horror flick — even if you have the blueprint right in front of you.
BIGFOOT
A few years back there was a fun Sasquatch flick called Abominable, and of course there are always a few terrible ones (most starring Lance Henriksen) — and the late ’70s were awash in chintzy Bigfoot flicks. But there’s never been a real centerpiece Bigfoot film. I say we give it to House of the Devil director Ti West and see what he can do with one of pop culture’s favorite mythological beasts. The big finalé could have a formerly murderous Sasquatch rescuing our remaining survivors from a grizzly bear. C’mon, who wouldn’t pay 10 bucks to see Bigfoot vs. Grizzly?
THE GOLEM
Yeah! The old-school and virtually unstoppable clay monster from ancient Jewish folklore! Hollywood has some Jewish folks in it, right? And heck, the creature is even mentioned in the Old Testament, which means it’s in the public domain! No author to pay! Give this one to Guillermo del Toro and ask him to do it in the German Expressionism style. At one point (between 1910 and 1920), no less than four films were released about this creature … and yet nobody’s dusted it off since the late ’70s. Oy!
Between two Pirates flicks and a pair of Clash of the Titans adventures, this massive creature deserves his own movie simply to explain how he looks so different* all the time. Actually, this one is a silly idea, but I sure do love me some sea monsters. We need more sea monster movies. (*Perhaps “Kraken” is Latin for “giant generic sea creature.”)
CTHULHU
My theory is this: the very things that make Lovecraft such a dark and creepy writer … are precisely what would never work in a movie. For example, you can’t end a movie without showing your monster because “it’s simply too weird and shockingly horrific to describe, and your brain simply couldn’t comprehend it without turning to jelly!!” That stuff works in a book, but rarely makes for scintillating horror cinema. Still, if I ran Hollywood I’d find someone to invest $25 million in a true Lovecraft adaptation — and then I’d give that money to Stuart Gordon.
THE TWILIGHT VAMPIRES
Yeah, they need a reboot. A boot right back to the Hot Topic bathroom to wipe all that glitter and excess eye liner off their chalky faces.
Yes, seriously. This is a great story, and while the Disney version was cute and fun, I’d love to see someone new dig into the darkness, tragedy, and humanity of Quasimodo’s tale. I’d give it to Christopher Nolan.
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
See above. Only not the damn musical. Ugh. I mean a real, classy, dark, old-school period piece horror film. Scorsese.
Ever since I was a kid I’ve wanted a feature-length version of the “The Crate” from Creepshow. That’s one seriously great monster mini-movie. (After that we can do a full-length version of “The Raft” from Creepshow 2. That’s also pretty cool.) Ask Eli Roth to do both. He could do them back to back in less than a month.
CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON
Of all the classic movie monsters, this is the one that’s remained untouched since the 1956 original — except for its two sequels, I mean. For years there’s been talk of Universal bringing the Gill-man back, and it looks like it’ll probably get underway this year … but I’m just not that big a fan of this particular beastie. Even as a kid I could sense something inherently scary about the tortured duality of The Wolf Man, the confusion and anger of Frankenstein’s monster, and the deadly allure of Dracula. Lagoony? Meh, just a trout with legs. Since I don’t love the original all that much, I’m exceedingly down for a remake. As long as it’s mean and creepy.
CHUCKY VS. LEPRECHAUN
Oh, you know you’d see it.
