[IMG:L]8:31: The Tonys, er, Oscars begin with a musical number featuring host Hugh Jackman …
8:34: … and Anne Hathaway as Richard Nixon.
8:38: As far as musical numbers go, this seven-minute, Best Picture-nominee-encompassing sequence was impressive, but ratings cure? Uh, no.
8:39: Jackman’s Brangelina punch line goes utterly laughless. Further proof that even when you try for a friendly chuckle at Brad and Angelina’s expense, you lose!
8:43: Interesting: This year, it appears, randomly chosen (read: available) winners of big categories past will individually heap praise on each nominee. It’s a nice touch, although … the nominees are getting more face time than the winner will get!
8:47: Penelope Cruz wins the first award, Best Supporting Actress. Nobody claps when she thanks her Vicky Cristina Barcelona director Woody Allen, then everyone claps for her thank-you to Pedro Almodovar.
8:52: Comedic soul mates Steve Martin and Tina Fey make for by far the funniest presenter banter of the night before announcing the screenplay awards.
8:56: Dustin Lance Black wins Best Original Screenplay for Milk and gives a rousing speech that, even at just 26 minutes in, clearly becomes the front runner for Best Speech.
9:00: Next up is Slumdog Millionaire’s screenwriter Simon Beaufoy, who offers a less emotional speech and calls Freida Pinto by her character’s name.
9:02: In a moment that’ll single-handedly sustain the traffic of gossip blogs for months to come, Jennifer Aniston takes the stage mere inches from where Brangelina are sitting. Oh, right — Jack Black’s on the stage, too.
9:06: Wall-E wins for Best Animated Feature. Shocker!
9:08: La Maison en Petits Cubes wins for Animated Short Film, thereby blemishing my Oscar pool. Every year, Animated Short Film, every year! But the director, Kunio Kato, makes it all OK with a simple “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.”
9:16: Art Direction: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
9:19: Costume Design: The Duchess.
9:23: Makeup: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
9:31: Natalie Portman presents with Ben Stiller-turned-Joaquin Phoenix (the hirsute, career-changing version) in a bit that’s much funnier than a similar one that went down at Saturday’s Spirit Awards. (What, no Christian Bale send-up?) Perhaps less funny is the fact that Best Cinematography nominees are getting overshadowed by the skit, when the actors each get the royal treatment for their nominations.
9:34: Nonetheless, Best Cinematography goes to Slumdog.
9:38: Jessica Biel stops by for a recap of the scientific technical awards, which are somewhat worth our time now.
9:42: Judd Apatow and Co. unveil a hilarious Pineapple Express-themed tribute to the year’s comedies, with a little help from … Schindler’s List cinematographer Janusz Kaminski. Who knew he’d be funny?
9:47: Live-Action Short: James Franco butchers the winner’s title, but in his defense, Spielzeugland doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.
9:52: Beyonce gets in on the musical fun. Aha — so that’s what she’s doing at the Oscars.
10:00: An hour and a half in, the telecast doesn’t feel a second longer than an hour and a quarter.
10:01: Cuba Gooding is one of the past Best Supporting Actor winners on hand to introduce this year’s field. Man, how hard did his agent fight for that spot?!
10:02: In a landslide victory, Alan Arkin takes home Blunder of the Night when he calls Philip Seymour Hoffman “Seymour Philip Hoffman.” Hoffman can’t help but crack up, even though Arkin has no idea of his mistake. Unintentional-comedy gold.
10:05: Heath Ledger unsurprisingly wins Best Supporting Actor, which his father, mother and sister accept on his behalf with very classy and composed speeches. Quite the bittersweet moment — and not a dry eye in the house.
10:12: Bill Maher, sporting what appears to be a leather suit (!), presents the award for Best Documentary, the category in which his film Religulous was snubbed.
10:15: Man on Wire wins. Its subject Philippe Petit accepts the award by doing the hidden-coin trick and balancing the statuette on his face.
10:17: Documentary Short Subject: Smile Pinki. Huh?
10:26: Visual Effects: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Makes sense.
10:28: Sound Editing: The Dark Knight. [PAGEBREAK]
[IMG:L]10:30: Slumdog Millionaire wins for Sound Mixing, marking the rare occasion that the two sound awards go to different films and more importantly, AGAIN sabotaging many an Oscar pool.
10:34: Film Editing: Slumdog Millionaire.
10:49: We come back from commercial to find Jackman being serenaded by a guitar strummer sitting at his feet.
10:54: Slumdog’s A.R. Rahman wins Best Original Score …
10:56: … then performs as part of a Best Original Song nominee medley (along with John Legend, who apparently has a standing invitation to perform at any and every awards ceremony) …
11:00: … then wins for Slumdog’s “Jai Ho.”
11:06: The Japanese film Okuribito (Departures) becomes the only real surprise of the night thus far, beating out Waltz with Bashir and The Class for Best Foreign Language Film.
11:10: Just when you think it’s time for the big categories and the final stretch, along come the celebituaries.
11:17: Jackman makes a joke, but it’s really the truth: Outgoing President of the Academy Sid Ganis’ decision to not make a speech truly is a farewell gift! We might’ve been looking at close to four hours otherwise.
11:19: Danny Boyle, to no one’s surprise, wins Best Director for Slumdog and starts off his speech as Tigger. Seriously, what is this man’s secret source of energy at this point in the show?
11:27: Shirley MacLaine’s honoring of Best Actress nominee Anne Hathaway sounds so sincere and heartfelt that it reminds us what a great actress MacLaine is.
11:30: Brew that cup o’ coffee, people — looks like we’re in for another post-11:30 ending (for those of us on the East Coast).
11:32: Kate Winslet wins her long-overdue first Oscar, beating out Streep, who was in line for her umpteenth. Winslet thanks the late Anthony Minghella and Sydney Pollack, both of whom were producers on The Reader.
11:36: There’s a Robert De Niro sighting and hearing.
11:42: Sean Penn wins Best Actor over his “brother” Mickey Rourke, who, let’s face it, is probably pretty pissed about not having that statuette to signal the completion of his much-heralded comeback. Penn uncharacteristically offers a great, self-deprecating line during his acceptance speech: “I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me.” He also gives a shout-out to the criminally ignored Gus Van Sant before rightfully voicing his disgust with those who voted to ban gay marriage.
11:47: Take us home, Spielberg — quickly!
11:52: Slumdog takes the biggest category, Best Picture, meaning there wasn’t a single surprise winner tonight (OK, aside from Foreign Language Film). The humongous cast and crew fill the stage to accept the award, and the show mercifully comes to an end at–
11:55: Not too bad, considering that it felt like 12:55!
