1. Stacey Dash, because our blood runs cold, our memory has just been sold, our angel is the centerfold! The 40-year-old actress, best known as Dionne in the 1995 teen pic Clueless, bares all in the new August issue of Playboy magazine. But Stacey, we hope that when this issue’s gone, we’ll see you when your clothes are on.
2. Kevin Federline, for best backpedaling. Federline claims his single “PopoZao” was intentionally released as a joke so he could capitalize on the fact people were laughing at him. Whatcha talkin’ about Cletus? “At first, when I put out “PopoZao,” people were kinda laughing at me. I did it on purpose so people would look at me exactly the way they did,” K-Fed explains. “That way, when I come out with my real shit, people are f%!#ing blown away.” We’re so ready for this wigger to blow our minds when he drops the next Straight Outta Compton.
3. Paris Hilton, for doing an about face that rivals K-Fed’s. Paris is claiming she deliberately set out to invent a character not like her true self for her reality series The Simple Life. “Before I started the show I thought I’d make a character like the movies. Legally Blonde and Clueless mixed together with a rich girl all in one,” she explains. “Even my voice is different from me in real life.” Queue soundbites of Paris saying, “That’s hot” on her fake show, the red carpet and interviews please.
4. Ben Stiller, for his unrelenting efforts to find wife Christine Taylor a job in Hollywood. Stiller will produce and direct a new CBS TV pilot starring Taylor, best remembered for her critically acclaimed role as Marsha Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie. The sitcom is reportedly based on Taylor’s life as a small-town girl turned “big-time” Hollywood actress. Oh, and Stiller will have a recurring role as her movie star husband. Christine, isn’t time to assert your independence and venture out on your own? Think of Greg Brady moving into the attic for inspiration.
5. Shannen Doherty, for making the comeback we’ve been dying for since she left Beverly Hills, 90210–and then Charmed. Brenda is all set to fill-in as a co-host on The View on July 31 and Aug. 1. Doherty also has a new reality show premiering on Oxygen next month called Breaking Up with Shannen Doherty, in which she helps people get out of bad relationships–something she’s wickedly good at. Remember in 1991 when Shannen’s ex- fiancé Dean Factor filed for a restraining order against her, alleging that she tried to run him down with her car and threatened to hire a few guys to beat him up and sodomize him on the front lawn?
6. Kathy Griffin, for revealing what life on the D-list is really like. In a candid chat with CNN host Larry King, Griffin opens up about her split from ex-hubby Matt Moline. “My ex-husband was sneaking into my wallet… That money totaled $72,000.” Guess Griffin didn’t strike gold with Suddenly Susan syndication royalties.
7. Hilary Swank, for allowing us to believe for so long her big ego was to blame for her split from Chad Lowe. How wrong we were! The couple split up late last year and Swank filed for divorce in January. Now Hil tells Vanity Fair magazine Chad’s secret drug addiction was to blame. No, she doesn’t reveal what substance he abused, but at least now we know it wasn’t a case of her career getting bigger than his.
8. Joel Madden, for patience—it’s a virtue, for real. For two years, the 27-year-old Good Charlotte frontman has been dating 18-year-old singer-actress Hilary Duff, who recently told Elle magazine she’s a proud virgin. Duff said people “just assume” she’s had sex because her boyfriend is nine years older, but she hasn’t. Fast-forward two years into the future where Duff regrets speaking so candidly to the press about her virginity.
9. “Trapped in the Closet,” for coming out in style. The famed South Park episode, which made fun of Scientology and implied Tom Cruise is gay, earned an Emmy nomination for Outstanding Animated Program for Programming Less Than One Hour. In case you forgot, Scientologist Isaac Hayes quit over the episode, and Comedy Central was not allowed to re-air the episode for reasons still shrouded in mystery.
10. Candy Spelling, for lobbing press reports faster and harder than King of Clay Rafael Nadal. TV mogul Aaron Spelling‘s widow has blasted tabloid reports she put the estate she shared with her late husband on the market for $150 million and laid off staff. Candy told The Insider she has no immediate plans to sell the mansion because she’s still at home there.
