Welcome, dear reader, to our Vampire Showdown 2010! To “celebrate” the release of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, we’ve paired off 16 of the most badass movie and TV vampires in order to separate the suckers from the bloodsuckers and the true creatures of the night from the goth posers. It’s an undead rumble the likes of which few mortals have ever seen! Read on as we break down each blood-curdling battle and crown a new vampire king.
Round 1:
1). Eric (True Blood) VS. Rayne (BloodRayne)
After long, hot, sweaty hours of…um… fighting, Rayne finally surrendered to Eric’s enormous…talent. We can’t blame her; few women can resist his blond, muscular Viking mystique.
2). Bill (True Blood) VS. Lestat (Interview with a Vampire)
Much like the actor who portrays him (Tom Cruise), Lestat de Lioncourt’s best days are behind him. If Brad Pitt and a little girl can finish him off, then Bill Compton is certainly more than capable of staking this frou-frou Frenchman.
3). Caleb (Bordello of Blood) VS. David (The Lost Boys)
Kiefer Sutherland’s undead ringleader already clashed with a Corey Feldman character in Joel Schumacher’s dark action film, but the former child star’s own vampire Caleb Verdoux is no match for the biker bloodsucker. Sorry Caleb, the clock has run out for you!
4). Selene (Underworld) VS. Satanico Pandemonium (From Dusk Til Dawn)
Behold the battle of the bloodsucking babes! These two vamps are not to be trifled with – one lays waste to werewolves while the other slays scumbags at sleazy strip club. Satanico tried to seduce Selene with her sultry dance act, but Selene doesn’t swing that way, so she put a couple of silver bullets in her head and put an end to the Pandemonium.
5). Blade VS. Amy Peterson (Fright Night)
There’s really no question about the outcome of this duel. Blade is a stone cold killer; he lives to vanquish vampires and sweet Amy Peterson from Fright Night is relatively new to the whole undead thing, so the Daywalker put her down quickly.
6). Eli (Let The Right One In) VS. Edward Cullen (Twilight)
Eli may be pretty tough for a 12 year old, but if Edward is effective against anything, it’s pre-teen girls.
7). Dracula (Bram Stoker’s Dracula) VS. Spike (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
Buffy’s most badass vampire tried his best, but couldn’t beat the original dark master (bator). Guess he’ll never get those 11 pounds back.
8). Blacula VS. The Count (Sesame Street)
What is there to say? The Count’s obsessive compulsive counting was a pretty big liability in this fight. “One, two… two vampires! AH AH AH AH AH!” Not for long, Von Count. Blacula has an insatiable thirst… even for synthetic muppet flesh.
[PAGEBREAK]
2010 Vampire Showdown: Round Two
Round 2:
9). Eric VS. Bill
Bill can whine all he wants about our decision, but we all know Eric is way cooler. For one thing, he can go more than 10 minutes without getting kidnapped. For another, Bill’s so short Eric can probably just hold the top of his head and Bill won’t be able to reach him.
10). David VS. Selene
Both David and Selene have taken their share of lives, but the former generally preys on weak humans while the latter takes on all sorts of supernatural beings. Her fighting skills (and arsenal) are therefore vastly superior to David’s, making the battle pretty painless for Selene.
11). Blade VS. Edward Cullen
Edward looked around, forlorn, his perfect eyes haunted by repressed lust and an unquenchable thirst. A footstep sounded in the darkness behind him. “Bella?” he whispered, his undead pout spreading to a grin. “I don’t think so, motherfucker.” Edward had just a second to turn before he felt the stake tear through his sparkly flesh. He looked up into the face of death and saw its cruel smile. “Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.”
12). Dracula VS. Blacula
You’d think that Blacula could take down Dracula because he’s younger, hipper, and lives in Los Angeles instead of some decrepit Eastern European castle, right? Wrong. Dracula brought Blacula into this world, and he can take him out just as easily. That’s just the way things tend to work in the vampire world. Deal with it.
[PAGEBREAK]
2010 Vampire Showdown: Round Three
13). Eric VS. Selene
Unlike Rayne, Selene is too hardcore to be confused by Eric’s demonstrable sexual charms. Nevertheless, Eric Northman, the most powerful vampire in Area 5, is no Lycan. The former Viking is over 1000 years old, can rip a man into pieces, and flies. Selene, sadly, doesn’t stand a chance.
14). Blade VS. Dracula
Blade battled a bogus Dracula in his third cinematic outing, but he’s never faced anyone or anything quite as terrifying as Gary Oldman’s Prince of Darkness. Though he’s put an end to vampire villains like Morbius and Deacon Frost in his time, he finally succumbed to Vlad III Draculea.
[PAGEBREAK]
2010 Vampire Showdown: The Final Battle
Final Battle:
|
|
| Stats: Eric Age: ~1000 Height: 6’4″ Weight: 190 Strengths: Super strength, flight, super speed, hypnosis, sex appeal Weaknesses: sunlight, staking, silver, Sookie Stackhouse |
Stats: Dracula Age: ~500 Height: 5’9″ Weight: 160 Strengths: Super strength, shape shifting, flight, hypnosis, originality Weakness: Water, garlic, sunlight, has to carry hometown dirt, eucharist, staking, decapitation, a penchant for capes |
Eric VS. Dracula
Dracula’s been the top vampire for centuries, but bloodsuckers have changed a lot since the Count’s days. While Drac could be taken down with some garlic bread or a swimming pool, today’s vampires are made of sterner stuff. Plus, if one hour of sex burns 350 calories, you can image how much exercise Eric is getting a day.
Winner: Eric Northman
