S6:E2. Aaaaand we’re back! While you spent last night riding the new rides at Coney Island ‘til you promised never to eat anything again, Ali continued trying to find her husband among the 17 remaining randos.
We began the episode watching Ali choose Frank to go on the first individual date with her. (You’ll remember Frank was the guy who exited the limo through its sunroof last week, but if you don’t remember, don’t worry – it’s my job to remember, not yours.) He spent 10 minutes telling the camera how excited he was, and explained the true connection he already has with Ali, even though yes! You’re right! It’s only a few minutes into the second episode!
Ali met Frank outside of the house and she ushered him into the passenger seat of a blue Cadillac — a seat that so far, he’s done nothing to deserve. As they made it onto the highway, Frank said there was nothing that could ruin his day…but SURPRISSSSSSE! The car broke down! We held our breath to see if Frank would offer up any kind of car skills (you know, the kind that men seem to possess around month seven in the womb), but alas – Frank didn’t even pop the hood to see if the engine just needed to cool off! Instead, he let Ali say “this is so ridiculous!” about 10 times and kept telling her how pretty she was. But duh, Frank! The driver’s prettiness isn’t going to appease an overheated engine! (Unless it’s on a photo shoot for “America’s Next Top Model.”) In fact, all the chatter only made the situation worse, because Ali and Frank ended up running down the highway and left the car unattended. Ali was pleased with how much Frank “went with it,” but in my book, he lost 10 points for inaction. Ladies and gents, let this be a lesson: even if you don’t know anything about cars, PRETENDING you do and popping the hood will always impress your date more than how fast you can run down the highway.
After the car mishap, Ali and Frank walked around the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and posed for photographers with big smiles even though they just committed the heinous crime of abandoning a beautiful car. Then, we watched them break into a field, which turned out to be home to the big Hollywood sign. I’m not going to say much about this, because if it did, it would look like I condone breaking and entering, which I decidedly do not. The date ended with the two of them sitting on top of the Cadillac (that some kind samaritan must have fixed while Ali and Frank were obliviously running around Hollywood), and Frank received a rose that saved him from elimination this week.
Back at the house, there was some “male drama.” Canadian Craig started ragging on everyone. His first main target was Peculiar Jesse, because he had too many tattoos and “nothing to say.” But Canadian Craig seemed to forget he was wearing the dumbest hat the world has ever seen. And when I say “world” I mean “me.” But they’re basically synonymous.
The next day was the group date. Ali and eight or ten guys went to the beach to be photographed for some kind of calendar that was to be sold for some kind of charity. This was very hard for me to watch. There was a variety of less than interesting scenarios, like Ali listening to Ty play the guitar, or sip juice from a sippy cup while lounging in the sunshine. I was much more interested how Weatherman Jonathan threw a hissy fit about having to wear a Speedo. This was probably my favorite part of all of last night’s episode, because all the guys told the weatherman how “size doesn’t matter,” even though everyone knows it does. (It doesn’t.) Eventually, after he asked everyone if they had an extra sock, Jonathan put on his Speedo and snazzed it up with a floatie…because size really does matter.
After everyone washed the sand out of their cracks, Ali took all the guys to a bar. Ty told her he’d been divorced, and props to Ali – either she didn’t seem to care, or realized she’d rather hear someone’s divorced rather than an admission that they “you know…prematurely, accidentally, excitedly…too quickly, freshman year…” Weatherman Jonathan also pulled Ali aside and told her Canadian Craig is a full-blown jerk, and that even though he hates to fight, he’s wasn’t afraid of combat because he’s a brown belt. Ali searched her brain as hard as she could and tried her darndest to remember if she’d signed a contract for “The Bachelorette” or “The Mole.” At the end of the date, Ali gave Ty a rose because the fact he can play the guitar overshadowed the fact he’s used goods.
The next day, Ali met Peculiar Jesse for the second individual date. They boarded a private jet to a mysterious location, which was both funny (because Ali hates flying) and hilarious (because Ali really wanted to be in a relationship with Jake Pavelka, who was a pilot, even though she hates flying). They landed in Las Vegas and hopped into a red Ferrari, which proved this show is two beats away from turning into one of the many auto shows at the Javitz center. Among all their gallivanting, Ali couldn’t tell if Peculiar Jesse was the right guy for her, or if he was better suited for the Girl Scout who’s looking for a partner to stand outside the mall with her on Saturdays. They spent the night listening to Jamie Cullum play a song on the piano for them that was neither true nor significant, because they’ve known each other for approximately the time it takes to finish an SAT.
Once again back at the house, during the second cocktail party, Weatherman Jonathan vowed he’ll knock out Canadian Craig if he had to, even though Canadian Craig is a good Empire State Building taller than the mighty guy who tracks the sun. Canadian Craig did lots of head tilting and eye-squinting at Weatherman Jonathan once he figured out Weatherman Jonathan ratted him out to Ali, and his maniacal laughter made us ask the question if it’s possible for a Canadian (who doesn’t play hockey) to get really angry. Ali sat down with Craig and asked him what his deal was because he doesn’t seem the least bit interested in her. Canadian Craig, for the first time in the show, didn’t have anything to say…except that she’s attractive and he wanted to get to know her, even though he spent most of his time ragging on the weatherman. The conversation ended with him making a face that looked like he was about to whip out the old, “Can we have this conversation in French instead? I feel like I’m not understanding your English.”
In the end, Canadian Craig was snubbed of a rose, which he probably didn’t even want. Weatherman Jonathan was successful in proving weathermen can do more than tell us where it’s going to rain, and even have time for hobbies…like karate. Who will he take out next week? We’ll have to wait and find out…but in the meantime, send your local weatherman (or woman) some chocolates. They could steal your significant other away from you in less time than it takes to figure out you’ve broken your leg rollerblading with local punks.
