Sure, Jessica Simpson‘s hotter than the General Lee with a busted radiator on a sweltering August afternoon in Hazzard County.
But does that mean we’ll dig deep for $10 to stare at what she’s shoved in our faces for free on MTV?
Chances are few will pass up a reunion with The Dukes of Hazzard (Aug. 5). At least not with Simpson strutting her stuff in Daisy Dukes. Let’s just consider the music video to “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” foreplay.
OK, let’s assume that Simpson scores a Texas-size hit. Then what? Well, she has a desire to be the next Goldie Hawn. No doubt that explains her Rowan & Martin Laugh-In-ish TV specials with hubby Nick Lachey. And her desire to enlist in the Private Benjamin-like Major Movie Star.
But for every actress who’s fancied herself as a singer–paging Lindsay Lohan!–there are a dozen pop princesses who have tried to become Hollywood royalty. Most strike gold once or twice, but few truly enjoy long, sustained film careers. Just ask Olivia Newton-John, Janet Jackson, Courtney Love, Kylie Minogue and Brandy. 
Or Madonna.
She enthralls us when she’s playing herself (Desperately Seeking Susan), singing (Evita) or doing both (Truth or Dare). Otherwise, she lacks the confidence, audacity and raw sexuality that she exudes in her music.
And after Body of Evidence and The Next Best Thing, who would be stupid enough to hire Madonna? Just her husband, Guy Ritchie. Only their soggy remake of Swept Away torpedoed the Snatch director’s once-promising career. Nice going, Madge.
But Madonna can take comfort knowing Shanghai Surprise is a masterpiece compared with Glitter.
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This hard-on-the-ears cautionary tale marked Mariah Carey‘s embarrassing debut as a leading actress. Utterly lost in the lousy music, Carey paraded around Glitter wearing nothing but a waxy smile.
Think sitting through Glitter was bad? Spare a thought for poor Mariah. Prior to Glitter‘s unveiling, she checked into hospital suffering from exhaustion. Then Wise Girls went direct to DVD. Now the best she can do is an expletive-laced cameo in State Property 2.
If anyone had a shot at big-screen fame and fortune, it was Whitney Houston. She looked mighty uncomfortable under Kevin Costner‘s protection in The Bodyguard, but she seemed more at ease in Waiting to Exhale. After The Preacher’s Wife, nothing. Perhaps being Mrs. Bobby Brown leaves no time for anything other than accompanying her husband to his court appearances.
So we still think of Houston as first and foremost a singer. The same cannot be said for Queen Latifah. She’s now like Will Smith: more famous for her films, not her rap records. And that’s a good thing. She’s come a long way since her days on the Fox sitcom Living Single. (No doubt Barbershop‘s Eve, the rapper with her own WB show, hopes history repeats itself.)
Unfortunately, Queen Latifah‘s failed to put her Oscar nomination for Chicago to good use. With the exception of Bringing Down the House, she’s hardly made too many good post-Chicago choices. The Cookout? Taxi? Even Beauty Shop couldn’t cut it as a Barbershop spin-off.
But what about Simpson‘s contemporaries?
Britney Spears put on some clothes for Crossroads, but she got deservedly booed for her lack of presence. And she seemed out of her depth as–of all things–an aspiring singer.
Everyone buys Mandy Moore as a goody two shoes, but once was clearly enough with the squeaky clean A Walk to Remember. After the flops How to Deal and Chasing Liberty, Moore revealed a deliciously Mean Girls-ish mean streak in Saved! More, please.
Pity Kelly Clarkson. She barely had time to celebrate her American Idol win when she was strong-armed, err persuaded, to fake some fun in the sun in From Justin to Kelly. Hardly a great way to start a career.
Even Simpson‘s little sister, Ashlee, is going Hollywood with Undiscovered (Aug. 26). But if she can’t fake lip-synching, what makes her think she can act?
If anything, Jessica Simpson‘s making a wise move by taking the same route as Beyoncé with her first film. The Destiny’s Child lucked into an established franchise, Austin Powers in Goldmember, and didn’t need to worry about anything other than looking foxy. And she’s at it again with The Pink Panther (Feb. 10).
Funny enough, The Dukes of Hazzard and The Pink Panther were ready to go head to head before Steve Martin’s Inspector Clouseau got the boot. Even though Beyoncé‘s a Soldier, she’s obviously no match for a good ole gal from Hazzard County.
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Jessica Simpson had better enjoy the ride in the General Lee, as things should get a little bumpy after The Dukes of Hazzard. She’s going to have to rely on more than flashing some flesh if she wants to avoid being a joke like Mariah Carey. But is she fulfilling her destiny, or opening up herself to ridicule, by following The Dukes of Hazzard with Major Movie Star? If Simpson‘s nothing without her Daisy Dukes, then the honeymoon’s over for this newlywed. | |
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