[IMG:L]Yes, the remake is older than the Hollywood Sign. But in recent years, things have gotten out of control. Why bother trying to trump established classics (All the King’s Men, King Kong) or even cult favorites (the upcoming Death Race)? And did anyone really think the new Halloween, Prom Night and The Omen were any better than the originals? If this continues, we’ll be treated in 2028 to Iron Man 2.0, starring Shia LaBeouf as Tony Stark. Here’s our Top 10 upcoming remakes we don’t really need–or want, for that matter.
10. 10
The original: 1979
The remake: TBA
Pity the hottie who will replace Bo Derek as the living embodiment of every man’s sexual fantasy. As sexist as this sounds, few dudes will give her—or this remake, which original director Blake Edwards is executive producing—the time of day if she doesn’t fill out a swimsuit better than any Sports Illustrated cover girl. But haven’t we watched enough middle-aged married men pursue some barely legal babe? And, in this era of the Judd Apatow bromance, isn’t 10 just too conventional a sex comedy? Reversing genders, with a cougar on the prowl for some man meat, would be so Sex and the City. So how about a same-sex 10? Let’s have Steve Carell chase Chace Crawford. Or Tina Fey stalk Jessica Biel. Shake it up or don’t bother recounting to 10.
Photo(s) by Warner Bros- © 2008- All Rights Reserved
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9. Clash of the Titans
The original: 1980
The remake: 2010
By redefining the sword-and-sorcery epic, 300’s now guilty of spawning just as many imitators. It won’t be hard for Conan the Barbarian and the Robert Rodriguez-produced Red Sonja to top the previous adventures that disappointingly featured these warriors. But why in the name of Zeus would Incredible Hulk’s Louis Leterrier bother redoing this campy mythological misfire for a generation that’s never heard of Ray Harryhausen? Despite the bad accents and wooden performances, Harryhausen’s last hurrah brought many memorable creatures to life through his stop-motion animation. Unfortunately, Leterrier plans to use 300’s greenscreen techniques to chronicle Perseus’ rescue of Princess Andromeda from the dreaded Kraken. And if Leterrier couldn’t create a realistic Hulk, what makes anyone think his monsters will be superior to Harryhausen’s creations?
Photo(s) by MGM- © 2008- All Rights Reserved
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8. Bad Lieutenant
The original: 1992
The remake: 2009
Such is Abel Ferrara’s fury that Werner Herzog is reworking his controversial cult classic that he hopes the German director is blown to pieces in a streetcar. That’s awfully harsh. But it is somewhat premature to remake this 16-year-old tale of a drug-addled corrupt cop trying to vanquish his inner demons. And Nicolas Cage has the impossible task of trying to make us forget Harvey Keitel’s electrifying study in redemption. The move from New York to a post-Katrina New Orleans allows the action to occur under new and intriguing circumstances. But does this mean Cage’s moral awakening won’t be told parallel to the Mets’ struggle to win the World Series? If not, this Bad Lieutenant won’t be the same Bad Lieutenant we love to hate.
Photo(s) by Lionsgate Entertainment- © 2008- All Rights Reserved
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7. The Taking of Pelham 123
The original: 1974
The remake: July 31, 2009
A cop (Denzel Washington) plays cat-and-mouse games with the mastermind (John Travolta) of a hijacked subway train. Unfortunately, this isn’t the sequel to Washington’s heist flick Inside Man. Instead, this is the second–and the most pointless–remake of the tense hostage drama that pitted Walter Matthau against Robert Shaw. A 1998 TV movie already overhauled The Taking of Pelham 123 from a technical standpoint. So this remake appears to be nothing more of an excuse for Washington to reteam with director Tony Scott for the fourth time. And for Travolta to get all villainous on us again. Will everything still come down to a single sneeze? Maybe, but given Scott’s bigger-and-louder-is-better mentality, it would probably the most violent sneeze ever heard onscreen.
Photo(s) by MGM/UA- © 2008- All Rights Reserved
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6. Footloose
The original: 1984
The remake: TBA
Instead of Kevin Bacon we’ll be treated to the sight of Zac Efron trying to cut footloose. Cue a billion tween girls swooning at the prospect of the High School Musical heartthrob raging against the machine that considers dancing dirty and criminal. And that’s going to be the biggest problem with this 21st-century overhaul of one of the first MTV-influenced musicals. With Efron kicking off his Sunday shoes, it will be hard to view this new Footloose as anything other than an extension of the Disney-crossbred-with-Shakespeare franchise. And the prospect of bubblegum pop versions of “Footloose,” “Almost Paradise” and “Holding Out for a Hero” is enough to make you drive sharp foreign objects into your ears. So let’s not hear it for the boy again.
Photo(s) by Paramount Pictures- © 2008- All Rights Reserved
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5. Friday the 13th
The original: 1980
The remake: Feb. 13, 2009
He’s killed enough sex-mad teens to cause a drop in the national birth rate. He’s survived Hell. He’s been stranded in deep space. He’s fought Freddy Krueger. Given its two-decade descent into self-parody, the Friday the 13th franchise deserved to die. Still, Jason Voorhees lives on. But how many new ways are there for Jason to slay and slay again to warrant rebooting one of horror’s most enduring but preposterous series? Can we expect producer Michael Bay and director Marcus Nispel, who revived The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, to at least give us a thorough psychological breakdown of the machete-wielding murderer á la Rob Zombie’s Halloween? If so, will it confirm what we already suspected, that Jason is really Michael Myers hiding behind a hockey mask?
Photo(s) by Paramount Pictures- © 2008- All Rights Reserved
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4. Death Race
The original: 1975
The remake: Aug. 22
Oh great American multitude and sports fans everywhere, director Paul W.S. Anderson has done the unthinkable. No longer can racers score points by killing pedestrians. And, instead of the Transcontinental Road Race, this to-the-death contest finds Jason Statham and Tyrese Gibson putting pedal to the metal behind prison walls. Huh? Cheap and cheesy, but nevertheless a real rush, Death Race 2000 employed a Gladiator-style sport to show how life is worthless in a police state. The prison setting and the elimination of the points system negates this–we know life has no value within the penal system. Throw in a reality-TV subplot and this Death Race sadly sounds like The Fast and the Furious by way of The Condemned. Gentleman, please don’t start your engines.
Photo(s) by Universal Pictures- © 2008- All Rights Reserved
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3. The Day the Earth Stood Still
The original: 1951
The remake: Dec. 12, 2008
No, director Scott Derrickson has not sold off Gort as scrap metal. But the alien foot soldier now is a living entity rather than a robot. Seems like an unnecessary change, but at least Derrickson wised up and brought back Gort in the form we know and love rather than go with the dumb idea of replacing him with some laser beam-shooting totem. As for the stiff-as-a-corpse Keanu Reeves playing a cold, emotionless alien concealed within a human body, sounds like perfect casting. Still, this remake of Robert Wise’s Cold War parable apparently has ditched its message of peace, hope and love to badger us into going green. Yawn. If The Day After Tomorrow didn’t inspire you to start recycling, His Royal Whoa!-liness certainly won’t.
Photo(s) by 20th Century Fox- © 2008- All Rights Reserved
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2. Red Dawn
The original: 1984
The remake: TBA
If any film was of its day, it was this fear-mongering what-if saga of Russian and Cuban military forces invading rural America. Sure, it’s easy to dismiss this as right-wing propaganda, but it is pop culture’s most hysterical expression of Cold War paranoia. Given this post-9/11 world we live in, our new generation of Wolverines will undoubtedly wage guerilla warfare against a country that’s part of the so-called Axis of Evil. But are there any terrorist nations–be it Iran or North Korean–that are capable of not just launching but sustaining an invasion that would make a 21st-century Red Dawn relevant? Or believable? That’s the challenge facing first-time director Dan Bradley and the acne-faced grunts he’ll enlist to tear all occupying forces to shreds.
Photo(s) by MGM/UA- © 2008- All Rights Reserved
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1. The Birds / Rosemary’s Baby
The originals: 1963; 1968
The remakes: TBA
Is Michael Bay crazy? There’s some risk producing updates of The Amityville Horror, Friday the 13th and The Hitcher. But trying to outdo Alfred Hitchcock and Roman Polanski are exercises in futility. Exhibit A: Gus Van Sant’s Psycho. So Bay and Casino Royale director Martin Campbell have an uphill battle with The Birds. Hitchcock’s chiller may seem tame compared to today’s torture-porn bloodbaths, but it’s still scarier than such eco-thrillers as The Happening. Hopefully, Campbell will place an emphasis on suspense rather than gore. After Funny Games, King Kong and The Ring, though, shouldn’t scream queen Naomi Watts ease up on the remakes? Bay certainly isn’t. He’s ready to put a fresh pair of diapers on Rosemary’s Baby. Polanski’s horror yarn was all the more frightening because it messed around with our gravest fears and anxieties about impending parenthood. Will Bay do the right thing and enlist a director of Polanski’s statute and sensibilities? Please. He’ll probably hire some snot-nosed first-timer whose only claim to fame is directing Mariah Carey music videos. It’s enough to make Rosemary’s baby cry for daddy.
Photo(s) by Universal Pictures- © 2008- All Rights Reserved
