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Just in time for Body of Lies, the ultimate Leo vs. Russell face-off!
Gangs of New York vs. Gladiator
Gangs are ghetto, yes. But pitted against a legit-as-hell gladiator like Russell’s Maximus, Leo’s a little school boy crying for his Daddy in an Irish accent. Clad in a flapping skirt (love the irony!), Russell made that 8-foot-tall ogre from Gaul his bitch, while his bare, dirty gams braved an arena of salivating tigers. Then he stabbed Joaquin Phoenix! After Joaquin stabbed him! That’s some ghetto that Oscar could get down with.
Leo: 0; Russell: 1
KEEP READING: The Departed vs. L.A. Confidential
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The Departed vs. L.A. Confidential
Sure, the entire LAPD whimpers at the sight of Russell’s Bud White, and yeah, he has utmost vitriol for pig-men that beat on women, but … he falls for a prostitute. What’s ghetto about something that’s on every politician’s to-do list? Instead, let’s look at Leo’s version of a cop. He goes undercover to get an in-person invitation to join Jack Nicholson’s nasty mob in South Boston. He whacks people; he shoves Marky Mark around. Yes, he dies, but he dies with the satisfaction of bagging Matt Damon’s girlfriend.
Leo: 1; Russell: 1
KEEP READING: The Basketball Diaries vs. Cinderella Man
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The Basketball Diaries vs. Cinderella Man
Ah, yes — it’s their respective sports movies. Leo is a high-school basketball player. Russell is an old-fart boxer. Upon first glance, you’d think Russell would prove victorious — after all, it’s a sport that flirts with death (Rocky taught us that). But leave it to Leo to up the ante by … USING DRUGS. Suffering hallucinations on an outdoor basketball court and blacking out in the snow. For days. Then he winds up at Reggie’s house, and Reggie tells Leo how he’s “been there” and now, getting clean is kind of a priority. All Russell does is go home to his un-ghetto life with wife Renee Zellweger.
Leo: 2; Russell: 1
KEEP READING: Blood Diamond vs. The Insider
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Leo’s looking for a diamond, while Russell rats out a big-deal tobacco company for manipulating its nicotine with some ammonia-based concoction. In return, Russell suffers from smear campaigns, death threats, a mysterious footprint in his front yard, and all the while he’s in cahoots with Al Pacino. Fabulous. But once again, Leo snakes away with another tally, because (a) he’s co-starring opposite Djimon Hounsou, the real-life lover of ghetto-phat Kimora Lee, and you know that just rubs off whether you want it to or not, and (b) he utters these words, in all seriousness, with a shoddy South African accent: “In America, it’s bling-bling, but over here it’s bling-bang.” Leo had it at “bling.”
Leo: 3; Russell: 1
KEEP READING: Catch Me If You Can vs. American Gangster
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Catch Me If You Can vs. American Gangster
Tom Hanks can’t catch Leo, and Russell can’t catch Denzel Washington — so the respective movies begin. Boasting a mighty list of no-way schemes, Leo’s young Frank Abagnale Jr. pretends he’s a Pan Am pilot and successfully forges payroll checks, skipping off with more than $2.8 million. Later, he does some of the same as a doctor, then a Louisiana prosecutor. Too bad poor Leo’s prancing around in little loafers and tucked-in dress shirts, falling for the adorable Amy Adams, then in the end, fraternizing with the men in blue! And though we normally wouldn’t give points to the noble cop role, Russell’s got this in the bag (body bag?), when he insists on digging through the coffins of slain military men seeking Denzel’s drugs.
Leo: 3; Russell: 2
KEEP READING: Romeo and Juliet vs. A Good Year
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Romeo and Juliet vs. A Good Year
Russell is actually grinning on the poster for A Good Year — I mean?! It’s a movie about inheriting vineyards in Provence and playing vineyard-tug-of-war with the woman that broke up Reese ‘n’ Ryan. Hard to figure why the often ghetto director Ridley Scott (Gladiator, Body of Lies) decided to transform Russell into a bit of a sissy. Meanwhile, Leo, in spite of a Zac Efron coif (minus the hairspray) and his earnest balcony exchanges for Claire Danes‘ Juliet, does go and murder his wife’s cousin south of the Santa Monica Pier. He also accepts a curse on both his household and another — spooky!
Leo: 4; Russell: 2
KEEP READING: Marvin’s Room vs. The Sum of Us
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Marvin’s Room vs. The Sum of Us
In Marvin’s Room, Leo’s sandwiched between Hollywood’s mushiest women, Meryl Streep (his mother) and Diane Keaton (his aunt). In The Sum of Us, Russell is a gay son whose father feeds him encouragement to talk to cute boys at the supermarket; he also reveals that Russell’s grandmother was a lesbian (it’s in the genes!). But here’s the real test: Russell plays rugby, and Leo’s been committed to a crazy asylum for burning down Streep’s house. Losing this leg of ghetto isn’t Russell’s fault; the unknown, very hungry Russell was conditioned to seek out his Brokeback Mountain side, while Leo had already Gilbert Graped us and could afford to play with fire.
Leo: 5; Russell: 2
KEEP READING: Titanic vs. Master and Commander
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Titanic vs. Master and Commander
You remember Leo’s Jack aboard the Titanic. He was a kind of vagrant who won a sail to New York City by way of a game of cards. He didn’t shower, but he did travel with sketches of nude women (except for the one of Kate Winslet wearing nothing but that big blue diamond). But while Leo busied himself with borrowed dinner jackets, handcuffs and scampering away from Billy Zane, Russell was channeling an era a century prior. He was the captain of his own ship. He nearly broke a promise to his BFF (Paul Bettany) about taking him to the Galapagos. But you know what? Only a man with real ghetto integrity saves his own ship and another. Leo’s? It sinks, and he dies.
Leo: 5; Russell: 3
KEEP READING: The Beach vs. Proof of Life
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Proof of Life is the one that fueled the real-life affair between Russell and Meg Ryan. Russell is hired to recover Meg’s kidnapped husband — how awesome would it have been if it was Dennis Quaid? But it wasn’t, and therefore, boring. The Beach, however, was Leo’s alter-universe (well, Thailand) that was led by the incredible Tilda Swinton, who forced intercourse upon Leo, which forced him to cheat on his pretty French girlfriend. She forced him into exile, which forced him to witness Thai gangsters murdering tourists (blood splattered on Leo’s face and everything). Then, very bizarrely, we witness Leo’s scheming through the jungle barefoot, but the movie warps into video-game mode. Whoa.
Leo: 6; Russell: 3
KEEP READING: Total Eclipse vs. Hammers Over the Anvil
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Total Eclipse vs. Hammers Over the Anvil
Let’s cut to the ghetto: There’s full-frontal nudity in both. Yes, Leo endured Playgirl‘s threat to publish said naked photos, but it was never realized. Because who cared then? Would you rather Leo, just three years after Growing Pains or a super-nekkid Russell at age 29 — before he was bloated?
Leo: 6; Russell: 4
KEEP READING: The Quick and the Dead vs. 3:10 to Yuma
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The Quick and the Dead vs. 3:10 to Yuma
By appearing in both Westerns, Russell has the upper hand. Here’s why: In The Quick and the Dead, Gene Hackman keeps him in chains because of his impressive shooting skills. And … Russell wears preacher clothing. In 3:10 to Yuma, he’s in cahoots with Batman, which, wow, is kinda badass. Russell gets him to grow a beard and wear a cowboy hat. Meanwhile, Leo in The Quick and the Dead is convinced that he’s Hackman’s kid, but no one’s the slightest bit convinced. But more importantly, his name is Fee. Nobody ghetto is named Fee.
Leo: 6; Russell: 5
KEEP READING: The Aviator vs. A Beautiful Mind
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The Aviator vs. A Beautiful Mind
Leo is the real-life Howard Hughes in The Aviator, and Russell is the real-life John Forbes Nash in A Beautiful Mind. Leo’s kind of a germ-phobe, but he mostly leads a glamorous life, traipsing about Hollywood with Ava Gardner, Katharine Hepburn or Jean Harlow on his arm (there was some intermingling …). Russell’s kind of a geek, because he’s turned on by math and Jennifer Connelly. Unfortunately, he’s also turned on by his own delusion, convinced that Soviets have captured him and/or that his pretend-friend Marcee is saying “Wassup?” But hallucinations are just sad. Leo, on the other hand, thought nothing of the dozens of glass milk bottles lined up around his office filled with his own urine.
Leo Wins!
Leo: 7; Russell: 5
Aww, Russell will be needing his hanky now.
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