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‘The Real Housewives of D.C.’ Recap: Foreign Relations

E3:S1 Last night while I was watching The Real Housewives of D.C., I realized something: that Cat, the British housewife who’s married to the White House photographer and has two girls, reminds me so much of the Orbit Gum woman. Except Cat’s teeth probably aren’t real and the only thing that’d put her in a good mood isn’t gum: it’s wine, Wii tennis, and making sure white people know when they see a black person.

Cat spent the majority of this episode planning for her book, which is called “Inbox Full,” as she’s busier than the rest of us and gets so many requests from mole rats to stop wearing their skins around that she must carry around multiple mobile devices. I also realized that most of these women aren’t housewives at all! In fact, there was only one true “housewife” moment last night, and it was when Mary’s daughter told her about sexting! Can you imagine?! A woman whose nametag reads “I shared bikini bottoms with JFK” had to have her daughter explain what happens when you text a nude picture of yourself to your boyfriend!

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Stacie and her husband flew to Paris to see his brother, who’s a big-time rapper in Paris, perform at a completely sold out venue. It was a little confusing, because it turned out that the Salahis were there too. It wasn’t like they traveled there together, or even for the same reason…it was more like they only met up because the recent college graduate who Bravo assigned to follow Stacie happened to text the recent college graduate that Bravo assigned to follow Michaele, and they both found out they were in Paris at the same time. So the college graduates were both promoted because the scene of them gathering to go to a wine tasting conveyed how the Salahis are inescapable, like herpes and Yorkshire Terriers.

Back in D.C., Mary was helping her friend Ted plan a party for people who were supposed to be the “most important people in D.C.” When her hairstyling and makeuping friends were helping her get ready, she revealed that the Salahis, who were supposed to pay for Paul’s birthday party (that we saw last episode) had their lawyer send Paul a note that said the Salahis were not intending to pay for anything from the birthday party, even though they were the ones that hosted it and felt compelled to use a saber to hack off the top of a champagne bottle in a crowded room. Aren’t the richest people always the cheapest?!

But that wasn’t even the most dramatic part of the party. Apparently, Cat turned to Lynda and commented how the food was terrible, which Lynda agreed and then turned to everyone and said Cat was to be their newest soul sister. Then, Lynda said Stacie could be the Diana Ross, of the group which was a reference to how she’s the only black Housewife. So I think (it’s really unclear! Where’s Andy Cohen to clear this whole thing up?) Stacie called Cat racist, but it was actually Lynda who called everyone’s attention to Stacie’s skin color, and this is the most confusing conflict ever. At least with the housewives in Atlanta and in New Jersey, we knew why these women were feuding! In D.C., every argument is founded in irrationality! Either that or the editor of this episode should go back to filming spots for his local news station about how BP gas stations are trying to come across as greener to their customers.

But I’m not finished! I know you want to stop reading about this little tiff because I want to stop writing about it, but there’s one more thing you need to know: Cat pulled Paul aside and told him what had just happened, and she rewarded him for listening to her by saying “get off me! You’re gay and you’re colored!” Yes, that’s right! Her words were more suited as the response to her orthodontist’s question of what kind of retainer she’d like!

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Finally, since the topic of Michaele’s weight is meant to be a substitute for all the meals none of these housewives are preparing for their families, Tareq talked to everyone about how his wife eats more than him and that when he met her, “she gained weight in beautiful places.” There’s so much about this guy that makes me think that not even so much as the termites (who feast themselves on his house) like him.

Next week, we’re surely to get some more pointless conflicts! But hopefully, the most important pieces of film won’t be cut from the episode and turned into the used napkins from the editor’s Chipotle lunch meals.

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