Poor Heidi Montag tried really hard to revive her career this week, and we, as a collective nation, were way too busy obsessing over the kid who played Darth Vader in the Volkswagen commercial (did I read somewhere that he has a pacemaker?) to notice her. On Tuesday, Heidi tweeted a link to a Radar article that suggested she was working really hard to get a spot as a real housewife on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because she looks really good cupping fruit in her hands and she’s taken a vow never to get another plastic surgery job because her plastic surgeon died and she is mourning him by telling the tabloids how bad of a job he did because she has scars behind her ears and she now refers to herself as a person who survived a car crash. JUST YOU KNOW, HOUSEWIFE STUFF! Then Heidi claimed she was supposed to walk the red carpet at the premiere of Just Go With It because she makes a cameo in the movie, but said Jennifer Aniston had her banned because she thought Heidi was “too polarizing.”
However, both of those stories have now met their honest ends and we can FINALLY continue trying to get the Darth Vader kid out of school early and James Earl Jones out of old age early and hook them up with two tickets to watch the Mets begin their spring training. In terms of Heidi finding a home on Bravo, Andy Cohen (the network’s programming executive), said “that trash is delusional and I would sooner stab…knives into my own eyes than see her on this network.” Heidi’s attempted feud with Jennifer Aniston also has been brought to a close, as Aniston’s people released a statement that said, “we do not have anything to do with who gets invited, but besides that, Sony did invite Heidi to the premiere and did not get an RSVP from her.” And to cap everything off, Heidi has come out and said that it was just a big misunderstanding and that she only said Jennifer Aniston had her uninvited because she had read it somewhere, and that “it never really made sense to me because Jennifer is such a sweetheart and she even commented before on a red carpet about how interesting and fun it was to have me in the movie…I got my invite and I would have loved to be there, but I had to be in Los Angeles with my dogs.” So we’re good now! It’s all good everyone. Heidi’s not coming anywhere, but that’s only because we’ve already made it really clear we aren’t interested in her music in addition to everything else. Sometimes the news stories of the week really are as round as the cap of a Snapple bottle.