You’ve heard it: Sex sells. Drugs and beautiful people do, too, so long as you abide by the following 25 cinematic rules …
Rule #1: A Beautiful Person knows food isn’t best used as sustenance but for seduction.
The Proof: Whipped cream goes to the hips of Varsity Blues‘ Ali Larter in the best way possible or Mickey Rourke feeding a schmorgesbord of fridge items to Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks.
Rule #2: Romance between an old fogie and a younger lass? Creepy. (Witness: Richard Gere and Winona Ryder in Autumn in New York or Harrison Ford in … everything.) But! Luscious ladies with life experience plus young lads? Steamy.
The Proof: Take the Susan Sarandon twofer: White Palace with James Spader and Bull Durham with Tim Robbins or Stella getting’ her Groove Back with Taye Diggs.
Rule #3: Beautiful People are better actors when they fugly up their pretty looks.
The Proof: Charlize Theron‘s mannish Oscar win for Monster or Brad Pitt‘s twitchy turn as a bug-eyed nutter in Twelve Monkeys.
Rule #4: We’re all for equality between the sexes, but dudes pulling the Full Monty are either funny, scary or frightening — not attractive.
The Proof: Jason Segel‘s in-the-buff breakup for Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Harvey Keitel dropping trou in Bad Lieutenant and Philip Seymour Hoffman bumping uglies with Marisa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead.
Rule #5: Horny + desolate woods = death.
The Proof: Um … every Friday the 13th.
Rule #6: Aliens in human form are experts at getting some Earthling nookie.
The Proof: Natasha Henstridge boinking Alfred Molina in Species or Jeff Goldblum wooing and wowing Geena Davis in Earth Girls Are Easy. Heck, even Garry Shandling got some from Annette Bening in What Planet Are You From?
Rule #7: Rehab as entertainment is such a downer, the audience deserves a drink after viewing.
The Proof: Clean & Sober, 28 Days, VH1’s Celebrity Rehab.
Rule #8: Celluloid sex makes any location that would be real-life uncomfortable a sensuous and seductive destination.
The Proof: The O-line subway train for Risky Business‘ Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay, the true grit beach smooches from Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity or the stairway to heaven coupling of Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello in A History of Violence.
KEEP READING: Cyborgs, stalkers, smokin’ joints![PAGEBREAK]
Rule #9: Cyborgs should only come in two types of Beautiful People mechanical models: Hunky (not clunky) male and slinky (not creaky) female.
The Proof: Terminator Salvation‘s part-man/part-machine Sam Worthington and the original fembot Jamie Summers of The Bionic Woman. (Variance from these stock models can unfortunately veer into Robin Williams in Bicentennial Man land.)
Rule #10: Crime and Punishment is a must in moviedom for becoming a drug mule and carrying contraband across the border for someone else. Translation: being a mule makes you an ass.
The Proof: Burst balloon of heroin in Maria Full of Grace or the unroyal treatment of Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale at Thailand’s Brokedown Palace for smuggling.
Rule #11: Foreign relations really means “relations” when traveling abroad to France.
The Proof: A student in Paris learns the language of love from Eva Green in The Dreamers, Marlon Brando butters up Maria Schneider in Last Tango in Paris and Anne Hathaway unwears Prada while bedding Simon Baker during Paris Fashion Week during The Devil Wears Prada.
Rule #12: Sex-crazed hot-mess female stalker types usually have a softer maternal side…. granted, it normally appears right before they try and kill the real mommy.
The Proof: Larter cooing at the offspring of Beyonce and Idris Elba in Obsessed or Rebecca De Mornay as the nihilistic nanny The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.
Rule #13: In a body-switching movie, it’s best to have two Beautiful People switching spots — not just one.
The Proof: We’ll take Zac Efron and Matthew Perry in 17 Again over Rob Schneider and Rachel McAdams in The Hot Chick any day.
Rule #14: On the small screen, losery dudes will have no problem landing a Beautiful Person as a wife. Real men: This is not true in real life — so get a job and hit the gym.
The Proof: Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne-Smith in According to Jim, Kevin James and Leah Remini on the King of Queens … hell, even Carol was outta the league of Mike Brady.
Rule #15: At the very least, the educational system in the United States appears to be set up so every high school student can learn how to smoke a joint. No child left behind!
The Proof: Group smokefests in The Breakfast Club, Dazed and Confused and Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Rule #16: Even when Johnny Depp isn’t in movies about drugs (Blow, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, ahem, are), his characters must appear to be on drugs.
The Proof: The glue-sniffing affectations of Capt. Jack Sparrow, the valium glazed look of Willy Wonka or the coked-out paranoia of writer Mort Rainey in Secret Window.
KEEP READING: Horizontal mambo, nerdgasms![PAGEBREAK]
Rule #17: To hide a beautiful person, it’s imperative to use a pair of glasses as camouflage until removing the specs to reveal the killer good looks that lie beneath.
The Proof: Rachael Leigh Cook goes geek to chic in She’s All That, Clark becomes a super man in Superman and even Scooby-Doo‘s Velma takes on a vixen air after losing the four-eyed goggles.
Rule #18: For teen idols to be taken “seriously” as an adult, they should explore their sexuality by acting all smutty roles.
The Proof: Jodie Foster as a hooker in Taxi Driver, Keanu Reeves as a hustler in My Own Private Idaho, Lindsay Lohan as a stripper in I Know Who Killed Me.
Rule #19: The more intensely couples on love-based reality shows declare their love, the more assured an off-camera breakup will occur.
The Proof: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson after Newlyweds, Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen from Strange Love, all of duds … erm, dudes from The Bachelor.
Rule #20: Stoners travel in duos and pot smokers love a pal.
The Proof: Cheech and Chong, Harold and Kumar, Ice Cube and Chris Tucker (Friday) and Weeds‘ Andy (Justin Kirk) and Doug (Kevin Nealon).
Rule #21: The key difference between “Beautiful People” and “Models” is that the former does have a smidge of performing talent — the latter sure don’t.
The Proof: Cindy Crawford is foul in 1995’s Fair Game, Gisele Bundchen is a wreck in 2004’s Taxi and Elle MacPherson was the enemy of funny on an extended 2000 Friends stint as Joey’s new roommate.
Rule #22: A bit of the horizontal mambo spices up Hollywood’s remakes of classic TV fare for the big screen.
The Proof: James Kirk (Chris Pine) blasts off in J.J. Abrams‘ Star Trek, Tom Cruise goes all missionary with Thandie Newton for Mission Impossible II and Leslie Nielsen and Priscilla Presley condone safe sex with full body condoms for The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
Rule #23: What goes up must come down: Drug withdrawal is a cinematic bitch.
The Proof: Ewan McGregor climbs the walls (literally) from lack of heroin in Trainspotting, there is methadone to the madness of Matt Dillon‘s junkie Drugstore Cowboy and Jennifer Jason Leigh‘s addicted undercover cop kicks the habit harshly in Rush.
Rule #24: Nerdgasm alert! Small-screen science types must be both smart and sexy.
The Proof: Fox makes no Bones about Emily Deschanel‘s looks, Marg Helgenberger turns a lab coat into haute couture on CBS’ CSI and Olivia Wilde and Jennifer Morrison are both Doctor Feelgood on Fox’s House.
Rule #25: Sometimes it’s better to watch a Beautiful Person in a movie with the sound turned off.
The Proof: Angelina Jolie in A Mighty Heart, George Clooney in Leatherheads, Will Smith in Seven Pounds, Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana.
