Five Faux-Historical Origin Stories for Russell Crowe to Tackle
A decade after they teamed up for the sword-and-sandals epic Gladiator, Russell Crowe and director Ridley Scott have partnered again, this time to pioneer an intriguing new brand of historical fiction: the faux-revisionist origin myth. Their latest film, Robin Hood, reveals for the first time all of the amazing things the medieval folk legend did before he became an outlaw — like unearthing the original first draft of the Magna Carta and almost singlehandedly repelling a French invasion of Britain — that frankly make all that stealing-from-the-rich-and-giving-to-the-poor business look downright pedestrian by comparison.
Theirs isn’t some glossy Hollywood tale, but the gritty, period-authentic chronicle of the “real” origin of Robin Hood — the “untold story behind the legend,” as the film’s promotional materials have billed it (it went untold, of course, because the filmmakers hadn’t yet invented it), and it just might be the most historically accurate portrayal of an imaginary historical figure ever to grace the big screen.
But Robin Hood isn’t the only fictional figure for whom Crowe and Scott can concoct faux-revisionist origin stories. Here are a few I think are primed to have their “real” roots finally revealed:
Paul Bunyan
Paul Bunyan was barely a teenager when his parents were brutally murdered by a gang of sadistic Hickories. Orphaned, left to fend for himself in the unforgiving Michigan wilderness, and accompanied only by Babe the Blue Ox — an imaginary creature created as a coping mechanism by his traumatized subconscious — he quietly nursed a rage that would later be unleashed in an unprecedented campaign of terror against the trees of the forest.
The Michelin Man
Before becoming a worldwide symbol for quality tires and finicky restaurant reviews, the Michelin Man roamed the dense jungle landscape of the Amazon River basin. Abandoned by his native tribe on account of a rare skin disorder that rendered his appearance pale, distended, and almost entirely hairless, he was raised by the owners of a French rubber plantation. Later on, his destiny would be minted the razing of his family’s plantation by goons sent from the rival Pirelli clan.
The Hamburglar
Growing up in Stalinist Russia, Ivan Begmacova knew only two yearnings: a ceaseless hunger borne of perpetual famine, and a searing hatred for capitalist America and its grotesque symbols of bourgeois excess. These would later form the basis for his lifelong vendetta against a performance artist-turned-restaurateur named Ronald McDonald.
Humpty Dumpty
18th-century English statesman Horatio “Humpty” Dumpty’s legendary culinary cravings were surpassed only by his political ambitions. But Dumpty’s political career seemed destined for failure until he had a powerful revelation: by carefully avoiding definitive stances on controversial issues, he could appeal equally to voters on both sides, and all but ensure electoral victory. The strategy would fuel a meteoric rise to power — and a tragic downfall that even his royal allies could not forestall.
Rich Uncle Pennybags (aka Mr. Monopoly)
Seamus “Pennybags” O’Leary was barely a toddler in 1875 when his impoverished family left Ireland, where they were forbidden by law to own property, to seek a better life in America. Growing up in New York’s immigrant-rich Lower East Side, Seamus was afflicted by a particularly severe case of what would later be termed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, each day circumnavigating the same square block over and over again, collecting tiny trinkets and arranging them in color-coded rows. His experiences living in a tenement owned by notorious slumlord Cornelius Baltic would later inspire an unquenchable passion for real estate.
(I’d be remiss if I didn’t note that Ridley Scott has actually optioned the rights to make a film adaptation of Monopoly. No word yet if Russell Crowe will star.)
