The evening went by lightning fast, but we still managed to catch a few of the better lines from the Emmys telecast.
Memorable Moments From Host Conan O’Brien:
“For the next 9½ hours, we’ll honor television. Maybe 10.”
“For years, the Emmys concentrated only on the major networks and pretty much ignored cable. Man, that was sweet.”
“We said goodbye to Who Wants To Be a Millionaire this year. The ratings were fine, but ABC no longer had $1 million to give away.”
“Everything is just terrific at NBC [laughs hysterically].”
“I’m going to change some things at this Emmys presentation, namely the acceptance speeches: 1) If you say this award belongs to someone else, then we are going to take it away from you and give it to that person and 2) Don’t thank all your kids. Pick your favorite and move on.”
“A great deal of planning went into the show’s seating plan. There are not just all celebrities out there but a wide variety of industry types. Parasites and sycophants over here; the gay mafia right here and then next to them the gay FBI, keeping tabs on them. Here are the black people who watch Frasier and a woman with real breasts. Look closely.”
“There are some fake Emmys going around. If you see visible genitalia, it’s not a real Emmy.”
“In about 10 minutes, I’m gonna turn on all these TV’s to The Sopranos. Why compete?”
“I was “Chiklis” through most of my 20s.”
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Other Notable Quotes
Arliss‘ Robert Wuhl warned Malcom in the Middle‘s Frankie Muniz of the dangers of overspending the fruits of his labor by buying too many cars at the young age of 16: “One word of advice: E! True Hollywood Stories.”
Michael Patrick King accepted the best director award for a comedy series for Sex and the City with this confession: “It’s hard for me to admit to having a sex life, let alone getting an award for it.”
When Larry Wilmore from The Bernie Mac Show won for best writing for a comedy series, he claimed, “I feel like Halle Berry.”
Kelly Osbourne, snatching the envelope from papa Ozzy Osbourne’s hand before he could read the winner of best director for a variety, musical or comedy program, squealed, “I wanna read it,”
Eric McCormack, when he and Debra Messing came on stage to present for best performer in a variety or music program, sighed, “Ah, to follow the Osbournes.”
Four-time Emmy nominee Ray Romano, shared some private thoughts with the audience: “My parents always come into town when I get nominated and stay a week. Been four years now. I know I always say it’s an honor to be nominated, but I gotta win this thing. You don’t know that it’s like. My mom’s like, ‘Let me see your teeth,’ and my dad asks me to introduce him to McCloud. I just gotta win.”
And when he won for best actor in a comedy series, Romano vowed, “Mom and Dad, we’re going right to the airport!”
The mini-tribute to Oprah Winfrey, the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award recipient, brought a few choice words from comic Robin Williams: “I love Oprah ’cause she does shows like ‘Men Who Love Chickens and the Women Who Baste Them'”
Of course, Chris Rock would not be outdone: “I watch Oprah’s show. I read Oprah’s magazine. I use Oprah toothpaste. I use Oprah hair care products.”
Ellen DeGeneres marched to a different drummer, launching into a lengthy story about visiting Montana after saying, “They told me to just go out there and do my thing but that I only get 30 seconds. Anyone knows ‘my thing’ takes longer than 30 seconds, but I’ll give it a try.”
Garry Shandling spoke frankly about playing Conan O’Brien‘s love interest in the Emmy skit: “That was the gayest thing I’ve ever done. The people from Will & Grace came up to me to say it was over the top. Sean Hayes said even he wouldn’t have done it.”
Garry Shandling went on to take a swing at the Emmys themselves, explaining why the Emmy telecast can’t be nominated for an Emmy this way: “It’s technically impossible to get your head up your own ass.”
Kim Cattrall presented the best actor in a drama series award with this quip: “Men with stiffs. That’s something we know a little something about.”
