The 55th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards went off without a hitch, with hardly a disparaging remark–unless you were running for governor of California. The myriad of comedians co-hosting/co-presenting–Garry Shandling, Brad Garrett, Wanda Sykes, Jon Stewart, Ellen DeGeneres, Conan O’Brien, Martin Short, Darrell Hammond, George Lopez, Bernie Mac and Dennis Miller–each had their own particular style.
Garry Shandling started things off by telling everyone how fabulous he looked. “The guys from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy would show up to my house, take one look at me and say, ‘He’s perfect. No notes.'”
Wanda Sykes wandered the aisles and made fun of the audience members. “Look here at Larry David…Larry, you’re supposed to be such a curmudgeon, but look at ya in your suit and tie…you’re happy as hell as ever to be here, aren’t ya? If you were a real curmudgeon, you’d come, pee on the red carpet and leave.”
The Daily Show‘s Jon Stewart obviously had a more political slant to the evening. After showing the audience just how ridiculous real news can be, he asked, “What can you tell me about Hispanic Muslims? Are they nocturnal?” Then winning the coveted best variety, musical or comedy series award, beating giants such as David Letterman and Jay Leno, Stewart declared, “It was such a great war for us!”
All in all, everyone was on their best behavior–except perhaps My Wife and Kids star Damon Wayans, who made a very off-color joke about Everybody Loves Raymond‘s Dolores Roberts and her age. What was that all about?
Here a few of the best quips, quotes and highlights of the evening:
“Wow, I was just delivered on a Lazy Susan!”–Garry Shandling, as he enters the stage.
“Now, you’ve reached the Hispanic Muslim part of the show….I’m the Lopez you aren’t sick of.”–George Lopez
“Congrats to Dave Letterman for having a baby…I have a kid in Somalia that costs me 39 cents a day. What a pain in the ass he is; now he wants 42 cents for some video game. They always test you.”–Garry Shandling
“What the hell am I doing here? I’m not even nominated…I should be home, going, ‘What? He shouldn’t have won!’ Instead I’m here, saying, ‘What? He shouldn’t have won!’ right into this microphone.”–Wanda Sykes
“Thank you, Geraldo, for keeping the poop out of our pants.”–Jon Stewart
“What the hell has happened to television?…Where are the people from CBS? Just wanted to tell you Yes, Dear is still on the air.”–Darrell Hammond as Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
“Your applause means so much more to me than winning,” —Martin Short–who added, “As David Gest said to Liza Minnelli on their wedding night, ‘No hard feelings.'”
To those poor gubernatorial saps, especially Arnold Schwarzenegger…
Darrell Hammond, who came onstage as Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I’m glad to see they’ve found a room that fits all the candidates running for governor of California.”
“In this current political climate, there is going to be 139 Governor’s Balls,”–Garry Shandling–who added, “I don’t think all the candidates even know what they are running for, they just heard there’s a part available.
“You guys seriously thinking about Schwarzenegger? That’s too bad. You know if he sucks, you can’t send for someone from the future to replace him, although he’s probably waiting for that.” —Jon Stewart
What about those darn reality shows?
“I’m here to present the best reality program and I love reality shows!…They say this year is going to be the hardest Survivor ever. Oh my God! I hope they survive!…But what about Survivor in East L.A.?”–George Lopez
“This year, the winners aren’t actually winners. We’ll follow them home and tell them they are losers. See how they react.”–Garry Shandling.
“Extreme Makeover takes an ugly-ass person and in an hour, they are beautiful. Isn’t that what a six-pack is for?”–Lopez
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Other Notable Highlights
