Only six actors have played James Bond, but there are as many opinions about each one as women Bond has slept with over the years. I’m not here to debate who is the best, who is the worst, who wore his tuxedo best, and which one had the nicest thatch of chest hair. (For the record, Lazenby, definitely.) I’m here to tell you about yourself. What does your favorite Bond say about you? Yes, each Bond attracts a type, and based on your selection of which secret agent you would like to guard your secrets, we can learn a lot about you. Find out more about yourself below.
Active Years: 1961-1971
Number of Movies: Six
What He Says About You: You fetishize things from the past. It’s not only nostalgia for things in your childhood, but you make a big deal about getting artisanal pickles and whiskey with only one giant ice cube. You love Mad Men mostly for the clothes and the furniture, even though you don’t understand what is going on. Even though there are newer, better cell phones on the market, you still cling to your RAZR because it makes you feel especially cool. You have been to a farmer’s market and carry one of those reusable bags that zips up into a little pouch. You believe in the horoscope. You have taken Viagra non-recreationally.
Active Years: 1969
Number of Movies: One
What He Says About You: You consider yourself either a non-conformist or an aesthete. If you think you’re a non-conformist, you’re not really different than anyone else, especially your friends. It’s just that you’re trying so hard to be different that you come off as wacky. If you are an aesthete, you probably don’t have a lot of money, but you have really good taste. If only that were a job onto itself. You own a tuxedo shirt (or a blouse that looks like one) though you don’t have many occasions to wear it. In fact, you probably spend too much on clothing. You like your steak medium rare, you are curious about Crossfit, and you unironically hunt for foods with antioxidants.
Active Years: 1973-1985
Number of Movies: Seven
What He Says About You: You are your nieces’ and nephews’ favorite uncle, even if they don’t get all of your jokes. That’s because most of your jokes are pretty lame. You own a lot of graphic T-shirts, many of them with catchphrases popularized by movies or TV shows. Your taste in music is generally s**tty, even though you continue to proselytize for Rush against the rest of the world’s admonitions. You enjoy a hobby that is both obscure to the world, but intense for practitioners, like poetry, cabaret, or magic. You like Family Guy and Grace Jones, even though she would hate you for liking Family Guy.
Active Years: 1987-1989
Number of Movies: Two
What He Says About You: You are a ghost. You are figure of the imagination. You are a unicorn, a Tooth Fairy, an upstanding member of the Lohan clan. You do not exist.
Active Years: 1998-2002
Number of Movies: Four
What He Says About You: You have read and enjoyed Fifty Shades of Grey. The last time you got really, really drunk was when you went to a Neil Diamond concert with your girlfriends and you felt like crap for three days. You told your kids it was the flu, and they were embarrassed of you like they always are. You are an excellent cook and have the best collection of yoga pants of anyone in your neighborhood, even if you don’t do yoga as often as you’d like. You drink mostly white wine and you’re finally getting over your crush on George Clooney.
Active Years: 2006-Present
Number of Movies: Three (so far)
What He Says About You: Your high school sweetheart treated you like crap and you’ve never quite gotten over it. Now the guys you like are all kind of jerks or douchebags, but that makes you like them even more. Yes, that means you are probably gay or a woman, and you hate board shorts and guys who don’t tend to their body hair, but you won’t call it “manscaping” because you don’t want to sound like an idiot. If you’re a straight guy (and there is nothing wrong with that) you have been described as a “metrosexual” by the annoying lady in your office. You don’t like to cry at movies, though you sometime do and hide it from people. You go to the gym regularly and go commando. You shave your pubic area and you spend way too much money on Apple products.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: United Artists (2), MGM (3), Columbia Pictures]
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