Our favorite fright fest, American Horror Story, has more twists and turns than a game of cat’s cradle in a wind storm. But it’s still made of slightly predictable tropes, some cribbed from traditional genre fare and some all of it’s own. Here’s an accounting of what happened in last night’s episode based on the scariest thing of all: math. The spoiler-phobic should beware.
Dead Bodies: 2 (the French girls’ father and step mother, but that can be 4 if you count them twice)
Times a Person Was Spanked/Slapped/Hit: 5 (Lana, Kit, Dr. Arden, Grace)
Times We Had to Listen to “Dominique” by the Singing Nun: 3
Cigarettes Smoked by Dr. Thredson: 1
Loaves of Bread Kneaded: 2
Sister Jude’s Freakouts: 2 (including one retroactive flash back freakout)
Times Sister Jude Says She’s Onto Someone: 0 (though she is totally onto Dr. Arden
Creepy Sex Things Dr. Arden Does: 1 (injecting Shelley)
Times Being Gay Is Equated with Sin/Illness: 1
Shots of that Creepy Crawly Bug Microchip Thing: 0 (but we talked about it!)
Consecutive Weeks with an Escape Attempt: 3
Successful Escape Attempts: 0
Non-Dr. Arden-related Sex Acts: 2 (Kit and Grace on the counter, Lana’s sad vomiting hand job)
Scary New Monsters We Only Get a Glimpse Of: 1 (he really messed Shelley up)
Amputated Limbs: 2 (Shelley’s)
Characters Claiming to be Anne Frank: 1 (really?)
Audible Groans Released By This Viewer When She Screamed “I’m Anne Frank”: 1
Flashbacks/Backstories: 8 (Grace twice, Anne Frank, Gruper/Arden, Bloody Face killings, Sister Jude’s dead kid, Sister Jude’s drunkenness last episode, Grace stealing the gun)
Big Love Alumni: 2 (it’s a reunion!)
Times Lana Vomits: 3
Butts: 2 (Daniel, porno model)
Sexy Male Inmates Who Look Like They Walked Out of a Ryan McGinley Photo or Ryan Murphy’s Pool House After a Long Lost Weekend: 1
Gunshot wounds: 1
Adam Levine Sightings: 0 (where the hell was he?)
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: FX]
More:
‘American Horror Story’ By the Numbers: A Cut Above the Rest
Everything You Need to Know Before Tonight’s ‘American Horror Story’ Premiere
‘American Horror Story: Asylum’ Premiere Explanations and Expectations
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