This season of The Bachelorette has been relatively tame, with the final two (spoiler alert for those living under reality rocks) Jef and Arie having been the obvious choices for awhile now. There hasn’t been a crazy season-long storyline like the Courtney-and-Ben relationship of The Bachelor‘s last season, or even Bentley-blunder. But that doesn’t mean everything’s been all rainbows-and-puppies this go-around, either. Au contraire! Emily Maynard’s issue has seemingly been these men that forget she has a child and/or that she is an independent modern woman who doesn’t want to live like it’s 1952.
That’s why we’ve taken the liberty of lining up for you the season’s worst offenders. Those dudely bros that just said and did the darndest things! The ones you love to watch for their absurdly terrible behavior, but also hate at the same time. So let’s take a stroll down memory lane, to remind ourselves what we’ve got to look forward at tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette‘s Men Tell All episode.
The first offender might be known more for his showy personality than anything else, but his comments towards Emily and her daughter make him a very (un)wanted man!
Kalon
Offense:
What DIDN’T Kalon do that was offensive, really? First he shows up flaunting his impressive-to-someone’s job and money(?), then he continued to spend the rest of his time on the season alienating the other guys by just generally being the textbook definition of smarmy. Did he ever actually seem into Emily? We say no: this guy just wanted reality fame. And he got it (…well, kind of), when the smug MFer called Emily’s daughter Ricki “baggage.” SERIOUSLY dude? This is a woman who made the show film in North Carolina rather than LA so she could maximize her time with her daughter. Clearly talking s**t about her kid (who talks s**t on a kid?! Really?!) and equating Ricki to baggage was the way into her heart. Ha!
Defense:
Kalon actually did one smart thing by not even trying to apologize or backtrack on his words. He stood by them even though he was immediately booted from the show (where Emily brazenly screamed “then get the f**k out!”). So, I mean, at least he didn’t try to lie (because those dudes on these shows that do try to lie when, duh, their whole lives are being video taped? They look like the dumbest of all).
Guilty or Not Guilty?:
Could he even be anything other than guilty? Please. Guilty.
Sentence:
Well, obviously part one of his sentence has already been exposed: Bachelor Pad, where he currently resides with all the other appealings as a contestant. There, he will continue to be shown for the smarmy jerk-face that he is. Part two of his sentence will hopefully involve people running into him at bars on nights out and saying, “Hey, weren’t you that guy from that show? Man you were such a d**k!” for a couple more years.
Next: And for offender #2 we have…
Alessandro
Offense:
Similarly to Kalon, Alessandro really miffed Emily with his non-familial ways. Emily was most upset by the idea that Alessandro saw her situation with Ricki as a “compromise” and that very word is what caused the fellow to get the boot. Plus he was like, sort of a gypsy or something? Oh and he cheated on like a bunch of his ex-girlfriends or whatever.
Defense:
Some say that he might’ve suffered from a bit of lost-in-translation, as in Portuguese ‘compromiso’ can be translated to mean either compromise OR as commitment/responsibility. But Alessandro didn’t seem so quick to want to explain the potential confusion when Emily called him out on it, so we’ll say he was meaning it in the former. Emily doesn’t want a dude that feels like he’s giving up a lot to have a family, but rather gaining a lot, so off he was!
Guilty or Not Guilty?:
So very, very guilty. And weird. Seriously weird.
Sentence:
This weirdo can’t even be relegated to Bachelor Pad because he was fairly boring outside of being kind of a d**k for an episode. We relegate him to a life of vampire detection (who ever says/calls themselves a vampire detector? Are you a reader of Twilight?) that ends with him getting bit by a vampire and turning into one himself. Forced to live a life of fear and self-loathing.
Next: And the worst of the bunch IS!
Ryan
Offense:
What DIDN’T Ryan do? Ryan was definitely the worst jerk on the show: He was a misogynist, a jerk, controlling, manipulative, and clearly only on the show for fame. He didn’t want her to ever get fat or be unattractive to him as that was her duty as a woman and as a wife. He tried to control her decisions when he didn’t like them. I could probably write a short manuscript on the absurdly offensive things this man did, but I promised myself I would only put on my feminist cape for special occasions. It’s dry clean only so it gets really expensive to wash you know? Oh, and he was full of himself to boot.
Defense:
Ryan didn’t even think he was in the wrong! Because he’s a gift to women or something. Whatever. His gross egoistic behavior has no excuse.
Guilty or Not Guilty?:
THE GUILTIEST. Yuck.
Sentence:
The worst (and guiltiest!) offender of the bunch, he is granted a sentence of life in obscurity and non-celebrity. Additionally, a series of bad relationships will be plagued upon him until this dude gets a clue, because he needs one, desperately. And though we’d love to see his reaction to all this, none of it will ever be publicly recorded. To ensure he never gets what he wants.
What do you think of our choices for this season’s biggest offenders? Let us know in the comments!
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
[Photo Credit: ABC]
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