‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: The Worst Day of Snooki’s Life

This episode was a catastrophe. For so many reasons. It’s almost impossible to pick a spot to start the recap because so many terrible things happened and it’s just stunning that not one thing is more terrible than the others. But to sum up:

“Jionni left. I get it, like I’m a lot to handle. But to fly all the way to Florence and just leave me? It’s just like… really?” – Snooki

Snooki spent next to the entire episode crying. And not just crying and trying to hide it – crying and making it known that she was crying. And she was crying everywhere! In stairwells, on couches, in her bed, with crocadilly, in the kitchen, in the shower, in the closet… legitimately everywhere in the house was covered in a lacquer of Snooki tears. She tried several times to get in touch with Jionni by calling him, but she kept going straight to voicemail, and that would mean she’d end up crying again. But then one day she got tired of feeling sorry for herself and put on some clothes and her wooly boots and marched herself down to the bar to get drunk. She even started to dance a bit and when she noticed people were looking at her, she explained that she flew her boyfriend all the way out to Italy from America and then he just left her. The patrons listened to her story intently and then watched her go back to dancing and realized that her fable of sadness was actually not a fable at all. When she got back to the house she called her father and without telling him why Jionni left, she yelled at her dad and asked him why her boyfriend would come to Italy and then depart. Her father did what all fathers who are stuck in remote locations when problems arise do, which is realize he’s not going to get any answers about what actually happened and instead, just agreed that something bad happened. Then Snooki hung up the phone and yelled at Jenni for not caring for her that morning, and Jenni was truly apologetic and admitted that she shouldn’t have given Snooki the cold shoulder for yelling and screaming at her friends when she was drunk and when they were all trying to help her. But things got particularly sad when Snooki was sitting on the patio and having a cigarette and scolding herself for acting so out of control and telling herself that she needed to straighten out her rhombus because otherwise, she was never going to get married.

“Jionni? It’s Jenny.” – Jenny

In an attempt to show how sorry she was for getting so angry at Snooki the night before, Jenni made it her mission to get Jionni on the phone and convince him to come back to the house to talk to Snooki. As she was explaining to him how miserable Snooki was without him there, Jenni started to cry and even had to resort to begging him to even talk to his girlfriend on the phone. But Jionni finally agreed to speak to the empty redbull can that used to be our beloved Snooki…and once she got on the phone with him, she begged him to come back to the house so they could work it out. But Jionni lied and said he had already taken a train to Rome so Snooki gave the phone back to Jenni and shouted that things were over between them. Jenni then continued to poke and prod Jionni and offered to pay whatever it would cost to get him back to Florence and that’s when he admitted he was just hanging out at the train station in Florence. So Jenni hung up the phone and whisked Snooki to the train station, scolding her on the way for acting like Sam and saying things like “this relationship is over” when she didn’t mean it. When Snooki finally met up with Jionni, she pleaded with him to stay in Florence but he said he couldn’t because he’d already called his family up the night before so angry and had them change his flight, and so he really did have to go. Eventually Jionni apologized for leaving his girlfriend in the cracks of Florence and making her chase after him all through the streets, and even though the couple had worked things out by the time he left, Snooki just went back to crying and impeding foot traffic.

“Every day I get dizzy. Every day.”

At the club that night Deena confided in Jenni and explained that she felt dizzy all the time and she was beginning to believe that she was pregnant. Jenni threw her hands up in the air after realizing she had become the person who loses so much weight that their new gaunt appearance conveys they care so much about other people that they’ve stopped doing things for themselves so they can have more time to help others. But Jenni did not shirk her duty to Deena, which was to escort her to a pharmacia and obtain a pregnancy test for her. Deena began to cry in the streets about how embarrassed the situation was and told Jenni that if she was pregnant, she was going to slit her wrists! So things got serious for a bit there. But thankfully it picked up again because Deena started walking in circles and telling herself the whole situation was stupid. After Jenni interrupted the pharmacist’s innocent Saturday night of reading the Italian equivalent of a Danielle Steele novel and was in possession of a pregnancy test, the two of them walked back to the house and it turned out Deena was not pregnant. Luckily! Luckily.

“I have to accept the fact that my girlfriend was dancing like a pig in front of me?” – Jionni

The next day, Snooki called Jionni to see how his trip back to the states was. She told him she was still very sad that he left her, and that’s when he said the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life, which was “what was I supposed to do? My girlfriend was dancing like a pig in front of me.” That’s when Snooki’s pistachio nut shells popped off by themselves. She tried to remind him that she was still so sad that he left, and he AGAIN said he was right for leaving because she embarrassed him so much! Has this guy ever read a Cosmopolitan article in his entire life that says it’s better to laugh off an embarrassing moment than it is to harp on it so hard? THERE ARE TRILLIONS OF THEM! I’ve truly never heard a man be embarrassed about such worthless things in my entire life. I’ve literally watched kids whose parents have turrets syndrome call cans of soup “dry bitches” in grocery stores be less embarrassed than Jionni.

“The cabs are here!” – Everyone

Snooki’s conversation with Jionni ended with her telling him she was going to take a break from him for a few days. And then she got the brilliant idea that they should all turn their house into Karma (the club in Seaside they love) and just pretend like they’re in Jersey. So the girls all put on their skinned animal rugs and Pauly got his DJ equipment out and everything was exactly as it should be. But then it got bad when Mike told Snooki that he’d give her whatever he wanted if they were together, and encouraged her to consider breaking up with her boyfriend so she could be with him and his Charlie Chaplin hair. Then he told her he loved her, and she tried once again to explain that all they were ever going to be were two Frogger frogs who relish how difficult it is to avoid trucks on the highway. Then Mike went into the living room and he started describing the wonderful event that was Snooki performing oral sex on him in Los Angeles, and everyone criticized him for going into such graphic detail about his sexual history with her while still expecting to be her friend. BUT THEN, Snooki crawled into bed with Vinny and started kissing him and probably had sex with him. To Vinny’s credit, he asked Snooki if she was still with Jionni and she shook her head to indicate that she wasn’t. Meanwhile, The Situation was off in his bed, unaware of the sex Snooki was having without him. But he’ll find out soon enough. Bless his heart.