What The F**k is a Honey Boo Boo?

Honey Boo BooYou’ve probably seen the ads on TV. Before that you may have even seen the viral video that made her famous. Now that her new show has premiered, we know many of you are asking: what in the actual f**k is a Honey Boo Boo? Well, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, child, and she is here to stay (for at least a season). A pageant-performing, pig-petting, outlandish version of what is commonly known as a child, Honey Boo Boo is a class in and of herself. She and the rest of the clan Boo, are decidedly themselves. And what does that mean, logistically? Well, we’re going to find that all out right now.

To track the origins of the Honey Boo Boo, one must know where to look. Namely, McIntyre, Georgia. Deep south country. Here, you will find the clan of Boo, which includes Honey Boo Boo’s stay-at-home mother and pageant-pusher June (species: Mama/Coupon Queen), chalk-mining father Mike (species: Sugar Bear), 12 year-old sister Lauryn (species: Pumpkin), 15 year-old sister Jessica (species: Chubbs), and 17 year-old pregnant sister Anna (species: Chickadee). The youngest of all is, of course, Alana aka Honey Boo Boo, occasionally known as Smoochie. But what really is a Honey Boo Boo? To answer that question, you must look and see what makes them who they are. How they operate and what is intrinsic in their lifestyle. To do this, we here at Hollywood.com have spent hours dissecting the nature and the actions of Honey Boo Boo and her kin to provide you with the ultimate guide to Honey Boo Boo. In order to properly assimilate into society, knowledge on Honey Boo Boo is crucial, as her existence is a marker of the culture at large today. So if you don’t know, now you’ll know!

The family happily classifies themselves as the genus redneck; a term sometimes criticized for its negative connotations within society. In the land of Boo, though, it is a badge of pride.

So what makes up a Honey Boo Boo is simple, but also quite involved. We have researched and come up with what was previously only a top secret list of qualifications. Now, we are proud to say we know what makes up such mythical creatures. Though we strongly suggest not trying to emulate this at home, as results may vary and one should not try to modify nature. And, really, the world is probably only ready for one Honey Boo Boo at a time.


1.) Redneckognize Your Strengths

After a Boo reaches a certain age, it truly begins to embrace the redneckedness of its origins. This is typically around the age of 18, but some truly visionary cases occur as young as six. This usually involves heeding the call of the wild: “You betta redneckognize!” At first it seems silly or perhaps even trite, until one truly becomes one with their own existence. It is a truly philosophical quest. According to Mama, that includes “a lot of missing teeth and a lot of butt cracks showing.” Modesty is futile and unnecessary for Boo folk.

2.) Sustenance is Key

When a Boo is still a young child, it is important to instill the rules of proper nutrition. In order to reach maximum Boo potential, they are typically fed a diet of nectar commonly known as Go-Go Juice. Previously found only in nature, Go-Go Juice has been kept alive as Boo folk evolved and discovered its benefits could be emulated by combining Mountain Dew and Red Bull. Once the desired level of Go-Goness is achieved, the ingesting Boo can take on almost superhuman-like qualities. These include running in circles, jumping, and speaking in their original, ancient tongue. From there, a regular diet of roadkill and cheese puffs is strongly advised.

3.) Always Be Beautimous

Aesthetic quality is of the utmost important to a Boo. In fact, Boo people pride themselves on their lack of human qualities such as “vajiggle jaggle” and “neck crust.” Through proper training and upkeep regimens, a Boo will find a higher plane of existence that is free of both “vajiggle jaggle” and “neck crust.” A similar standard of beauty saved for those over the age of 10 is “seximous” which occurs when the barn (also known as the face) is shined up and presented flaw-free with a variety of make-up enhancements.


4.) Health and Exercise

The Boo will also take strong steps to increase aesthetic beautimousness by keeping up a strict exercise regimen. For a Boo folk, this includes mainly excessive flatulence. By increasing one’s own gaseous eruptions to 10 – 15 times per day, extreme weight loss is nearly guaranteed.

5.) Financial Stability and Independence

A strong strain of pride for the Boo folk is their ability to buck the shackles of capitalistic greed by partaking in the indigenous right of passage known as Extreme Couponing. This involves cutting coupons and buying strategic amounts and types of food from grocery stores using only coupons. This allows the Boos to keep a tight hold on their purse strings while also allowing for extravagant spending on more important Bootivities.

6.) Companionship

For a Honey Boo Boo, companionship from the animal kingdom (more commonly known as “pets”) is vital to a vibrant life. It is suggested that all animal companions complement the lifestyle of the Boo that they will call owner. In most Boo households, the pig is seen as a symbol of prosperity, success and at times is seen as a religious idol.


7.) Equality and Potential Psychic Abilities

While it is still under observation and in the research stages of findings, probably the most lauded trait of a Honey Boo Boo is unconditional love for people and/or animals. When questioned about the sexual orientation of her male pig, Glitzy (above), Honey Boo Boo quickly retorts “that pig can be anything it wants to be and you can’t change that!” This point of view is decidedly modern, making the Honey Boo Boo a stand-out in her forward-thinking stance on lifestyle choices. These ideals (“people can be whoever they want to be”) is a common belief in the Boo household, where the family frequently practices said beliefs. Additionally, Honey Boo Boo’s modern take on life collided with her potential psychic abilities (still under investigation) when she outed popular television host and journalist Anderson Cooper–five months before he came out himself–by calling him a “nice poodle.” The word ‘poodle’ in Boolish means someone who is a “fruity-fruit” (according to Mama/June) or has “fruit inside of him” (according to Honey Boo Boo). She uses the term of endearment when speaking about her Uncle Lee, who is also gay, on the show. It can be concluded from this information that as a Boo’s environment evolves, so does the Boo his/herself, making Boo folk some of the most adaptable of them all.

And there for have it; what makes a Honey Boo Boo. Now go forth and educate the masses.

[Photo Credit: TLC.com]

Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes


Is Reality TV Too Cruel for Children?

PTC Now Targetting TLC’s ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ For ‘Pretty Woman’ Costume

Video: ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ Takes on Lady Gaga