S6E3: If there’s one thing we’ve learned about the Kardashians clan over the past few years, it’s that everything, no matter how silly, is ultimately super, duper serious. Okay? Of course, last night’s episode is the shining example of this. As usual, what could have happened in 5 minutes took an entire 23 minutes, and thanks to some careful planning by the Ks’ publicists, we got a tease about the episode a few days before it hit. That’s right; it’s the KIM X-RAYS HER BUTT HOLY CRAP episode.
“Tragedy struck on a flight from New Jersey to Las Vegas when Kim Kardashian’s left buttock exploded.” –website about Kim’s butt
Because apparently, no one on the interwebs can bring themselves to believe that someone may have a really nice, large rear end thanks to the good lord’s generosity, websites are springing up all over the place, claiming that Kim’s gravity-defying derriere is a gift from the plastic surgery gods. Of course, her butt is real (though I’m having trouble believing life is real right now because I’m spending my morning writing about some starlet’s ass), but her loving sisters come up with a perfect solution: get an x-ray and prove it! I mean, I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than to lie sideways and get a look at the fat surrounding your gluts and lower pelvic bones. Oh what a life those Kardashians lead!
Kim doesn’t really want to do it, but because her sisters think it would be funny to trick her (or her publicists insist), Kim finally submits to an ass x-ray. The poor doctor can’t keep a straight face, but to be honest his case of the giggles was probably just hiding the grief he was feeling over spending $200 thousand dollars and 10 years of his life to become a doctor just so his claim to fame could be the guy who showed the world that Kim Kardashian’s ass is real. Poor bastard.
Finally, the trio brings the big reveal to family dinner. They show the x-rays off just before everyone’s about to lift a fork – I just hope they weren’t having ham for dinner. Seriously though, why on earth would you decide to show off a picture of your ass at dinner? It irks me to think my mom and dad might see my Facebook pictures, let alone a full x-ray of my butt. It’s just strange. Then again, these are the Kardashian kids we’re talking about. Oh, and if you had any doubt (you sick bastard), Kim’s ass is 100 percent real. (Duh.)
“Sell out? It’s like a brand. It’s like the Kennedies.” -Kris Jenner
Um, no Mama Kardashian, the Kardashian clan is not like the Kennedies. Kris Jenner is having a little name envy. With her daughters’ unstoppable fame comes the cache of their last name, and Jenner, who’s happily carried her husband Bruce’s name for the last 20 years, suddenly can’t bear that her moniker isn’t the same as her mega-famous daughters’. Clearly, she should just change it back – nevermind what her poor husband will think of all of this.
Of course, she spend half of the episode making a case for why she has to change it, saying it’s a curse and that people already insist on calling her that anyway (despite the fact that Kendall quietly unravels all of that by pointing out that Kris answers the phone “Kris Kardashian” ALL THE TIME). Finally, Khloe – who always seems to the most sane of the sisters – sits her mother down and basically explains to her how it works to be a human being.
Khloe points out that there is literally no trace of Bruce in the house. In Kris’ office, there are photos of her late husband, Robert Kardashian, and of the girls, but Bruce’s Olympic medals and jersey are gone and there’s not even a photo of the man anywhere to be found. He’s also missing from the hallway filled with FAMILY PHOTOS. IT’S HIS HOUSE AND HIS FACE ISN’T ON THE WALL. I’m sorry, but this is just insanity. If I were Bruce, I would have thrown a fit – clearly, he’s stronger than I am.
After complaining that Khloe made her feel bad (BECAUSE SHE SHOULD FEEL BAD), Kris does a 180, gives a speech about being proud to be a Jenner and follows Kim’s ass reveal with her own present to Bruce: a spot on the family wall (WHICH HE SHOULD HAVE HAD ALREADY). Luckily, Bruce is a better person than I am and accepts the gesture graciously.
“Show us the ass, show us the ass.” –Khloe
“We wanna see the goods, Kimberly.” –Kourtney
So, in conclusion, I’m once again confused as to how these people are able to function around each other. With a mother willing to throw human consideration to the wind to maintain “the brand” and a world that never questioned JLo’s ass but seems to insist that Kim’s is a fake (especially when we can shift that speculation to Nicki Minaj because that’s way more fun, amirite?), it’s really a wonder these girls aren’t crying and having slap fights at every moment of the day.