S6:E10 Last night’s Bachelorette was actually the reunion show, where all the guys Ali eliminated got together and tried to convince us this show is unscripted. However, it was all pretty boring because the two people we wanted to hear from most weren’t there! Frank was off canoodling with his ex-girlfriend and Justin was somewhere in a Canadian field and unwilling to be disturbed. The guys that did attend, however, talked about how it’s different when you see Ali in person as opposed to on television and how excited they all were when they were sitting in the limo in the very first episode, just waiting to exit in their own special way and unleash the lines they’d been practicing with their cat lady neighbors onto Ali. The guys also discussed the friendships they formed, the absurdities of the season (like Kasey getting a tattoo in honor of Ali and his Placido Domingo singing), and shlong length (kidding! That would have made Ali feel like an even bigger idiot than she does for signing up for the show in the first place).
But before things really got underway, Chris Harrison talked to Ali about the shenanigans that went on this season. He reminded her of some crazy things, like Frank leaving her for his ex-girlfriend and how Justin had two girlfriends at home in Canada. They also talked about a “near death” experience Ali had, which was probably not any worse than realizing you’re wearing flip-flops and you have to walk through a puddle.
Oh, well that’s not good.
We also saw some bloopers from the season, which included how animals CAN RUIN EVERYTHING by trying to warn their babies that there are a bunch of humans dangerously close to their holes or whatever, and that their mommy won’t be home until after dinner, but that they should brush their teeth and get into bed… but not before they remember to take off their socks because their circulation will slow down and the doctor said they should avoid that in their conditions.
Then, the guys all started ratting on each other, but it wasn’t long before they just attacked Kasey for being totally weird and getting a tattoo of a medieval shield in front of a heart to prove to Ali how deep the feelings he had for her were. They gave him a little bit of credit, though, by acknowledging that he was being genuine and, unlike a lot of other guys who appeared on the show, was really there to fall in love with Ali. Afterwards, Kirk got up on the stage and Chris Harrison asked him if Ali broke his heart. He said she did, and he might very well be the next Bachelor. And the cycle continues – like herpes!
After that, the topic of Justin’s double-timing came up. All the guys bashed on him and his intentions, and how horrible it was that he was only there to promote his wrestler image and to “sabotage” everything Ali was trying to accomplish on the show. Blah blah blah, Justin’s a bad guy, it’s so obvious it’s boring. When Ali finally came on stage, she harped on it EVEN MORE and talked about how she wanted to be strong and kick him where the sun don’t shine in the name of all the women who’ve been hurt by douches of a similar variety… and by douches in general!
Seriously, that’s what last night’s show was. If it had to write down it’s occupation on a tax form, it would be “to hype up everyone for the finale.” But I’m not sure it did, because even though I’m rooting for Ali to choose Chris next week, I read somewhere she doesn’t pick anyone. That would mean love would have duped us AGAIN, and it’d be even worse than our teacher telling us she just bought a bunch of smelly markers when she actually bought regular ones because she wanted us to color while she could nurse her hangover.
Oh! And also, Shooter came back, and not a moment too soon because without him, this whole season might have been a waste.
