“I did not know Staten Island was an actual island until we went over the bridge.” – Pauly D
Last night’s Jersey Shore started out totally and completely pleasant. How cool is that!? We watched as Vinny invited Pauly D to go with him to his hometown of Staten Island, and the road trip looked exactly like something we all missed out on. The car was clean, Pauly D was singing his little Staten Island song, and it was the perfect opportunity to put on some sweatpants and hop in the car to go eat someone’s mom’s meatballs. But then it got depressing. Sammi, Ronnie, Deena, Snooki and Jenni all went to get their nails done and left The Situation at home, who walked around until he realized he was going to hang out with Jenni’s dog (the one with the stained fur around its tear ducts from all the dirty tears its been crying), Lean Cuisine. Hilariously, he spent the day feeding Lean Cuisine pizza out of the garbage and peanut butter and marshmallow fluff out of the jar. It became clear why The Situation was being so kind to Lean Cuisine: he was feeding him so he could shit and pee everywhere to punish the housemates for leaving him alone. When everyone came back from getting their nails done and then ruining their manicures at the gym, they immediately realized that Mike was behind the poops that were right next to everyone’s combs because they could smell his cologne on the dog’s fur.
“Whoever I have babies with, he’s gotta be Italian because the last name needs to have a vowel in it, and I want my kids’ last name to have a vowel in it.” – Snooki
At the bar that night, Snooki met a man who might as well have been an archeologist from all the bronze clay he had on his face. Snooki was particularly intrigued by him because his last name was Stefano, which ends in “O,” which meant he was Italian, which meant Snooki liked him. While she was dancing with him and explaining how if your last name ends in a vowel then you’re an Italian person, Ronnie was making out with Sammi, and she was back to doing that thing where she puts her hand over their lips to block their kiss from the cameras. Everyone started walking home, and then things got bad because Sammi kept asking Ronnie why he didn’t chase her when she left the house and went home to her mom. He said he loved her so much that he let her be. Then she went back to doing that thing where she’s like, “what did I ever do to you?” So yes, in all two seasons of this show, we have progressed to the rewarding place of nowhere.
“I was behind you, and I guess you did the dip on us.” – Jenni
After Jenni took Vinny to get spray tanned, they were on the highway and they passed Roger’s car. Jenni tried to pull up close to his car to thank him for sleeping with her, but his car kept zigzagging away. Ronnie, who had also just gone tanning, said the only reason Roger would turn off the highway and go in the opposite direction that he was previously traveling in was because he was aware that Jenni was tailing him and he didn’t want her to see that he had another girl in his car. When Jenni got back to the house, she called Roger and said that because he gave her the dip on the highway, they were done. After dinner, a water balloon fight broke out, and Deena tried to protect herself by putting a garbage bag over her entire head and body and nearly sacrificing her life in the name of staying dry in a war where the missiles are 8 ounces of the stuff that you keep your plants alive with. Roger finally called back and said he didn’t’ intentionally give Jenni the dip, and that he didn’t stop and say hi to her when she was in her car because he had 5 minutes to get to the barber shop. He told Jenni he needed space.
“Samantha’s like ‘meet me here.’ Is she still with Ron?” – Arvin
The next day, Ronnie and Sammi decided they were going to work things out and that even though Sammi was scared, she was going to give Ronnie the chance to prove that he’s a different guy now. So everyone went out again, but once they got to Karma, Mike ran into his friend Arvin, who said that Sammi had called him and asked that he meet her there. To prove it, Arvin showed Mike the texts. Armed with evidence of Sammi’s bad behavior, Mike called Jenni over and told her what he just found out. Then together, they told the rest of the roommates. Snooki appointed herself as the one to inform Sammi that Arvin was here to meet her, and once aware of the situation, Sammi ran downstairs into the arms of Jenni. Once Ronnie heard the story as well, he told Sammi to go confront Arvin and tell him that they were just friends, which she tried to do. But Arvin didn’t seem to care because he had proof that when Sammi was at home, she was trying to get it in. Ronnie shoved Sammi away from him as he as on his way to the bathroom, but we always forget that Sammi used to be a soccer player and she’s stronger than she looks, so it became a contest about who cried over who more when Sammi left the house.
“I think Mike is the shadiest person in the house.” – Sammi
Back at the house, Sammi accused Mike of starting shit. Mike said he wasn’t starting anything because Arvin had come up to him asking where Sammi was, and that sent Ronnie over the edge. Ronnie told Sammi not to blame Mike for her mistakes, and Ronnie and Vinny were enjoying themselves even more than John McEnroe enjoys yelling at line judges. They took the fight into the girls’ room, and Jenni’s dogs began howling furiously. This made the two of them yell even louder and made Ronnie corner Sammi and scream that he wasn’t going to let her go.
