S6:E12 Tonight’s episode was one hour long. ONE HOUR! One hour. Extraordinary, right? It’s hard to believe that these people can exist for more than an hour! But alas, they do, and last night we watched as every person participated in making the vacation in Bora Bora absolutely terrible.
“I would never own something that I couldn’t cope with losing.” – Kris
So last week’s episode ended with Kim losing one of her $75,000 diamond earrings in the ocean because her giant boyfriend picked her up and threw her in the water. She was so angry at the loss that she immediately got out of the water and ran to her mother (who was struggling with her body image the whole show so she was wrapped up in a bathrobe) and cried and wept and banged on things and screamed because she worked so hard to pose for perfumes and sneakers, and dammit, SHE DESERVED TO HAVE BOTH OF THOSE EARRINGS. But by the time she got back to the part of the dock where Kris threw her in, she learned that that her younger sister dove to the bottom of the ocean and retrieved the diamond for her stupid older sister. Kim rejoiced when the ornament was presented to her, and the little humans that operate the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Kris balloon had him bend at his waist, lean down to Kim’s forehead, and kiss it. He also told her that it was stupid to own something so extravagant that she couldn’t deal with losing.
“I kinda kept something from you.” – Scott
Scott knew he’d had a few drinks when he was in Vegas last week, but instead of telling Kourtney about it when he got home, he maintained that he stayed sober the whole time and maintained that Kourtney needed to apologize for doubting that he could stay sober. She wisely didn’t give him one, but the drama of the incident continued because when the two of them were sitting in a pool and just after Kourtney admitted to peeing in it, Scott told her that he’d lied about not consuming alcohol in Vegas. It’s clear the producers of the show keep wanting Kourtney to get really pissed at Scott when he confesses to lying, but Kourtney never does and instead, avoids the situation by going over to her son and making sure he knows the sound that a frog makes. But because she SHOULD be reacting negatively towards Scott’s behavior, editors keep throwing in all these commercials that are onset by silence and blank stares from Kourtney. However, she (strangely) never seems to get livid with him, even though he continuously lies and then demands apologies from people for thinking he’s a bad person! When he’s been acting like a bad person! Scott, you’re perfect. Don’t ever change.
“Do you see yourself being married for twenty years?” – Kris (the mom)
Since Kim had been keeping Kris mostly to herself, he hadn’t had much time to get to know her family. So she believed that it would be great if her new beau tagged along on the trip to Bora Bora because then her family would get to know him and would finally realize that someone who has to have custom doorways isn’t so terrible. The Kardashians as a whole weren’t really into Kris at first and mostly acted reserved around him because his way of bonding with the family was rather aggressive (more on that later). But at lunch one day, Kim randomly told Kris that she had to go back to their room for something and left him with her family. This seemed to make Kris a little angry with Kim, but since there was nothing he could do about it, he shifted over a few seats next to Kris (Kim’s mother) so they could talk. Kris (Kim’s mother) immediately asked Kris (the giant) if he could see himself married for twenty years, and it was actually a pretty fair question because the whole reason they were in Bora Bora was to celebrate Kris (the mom) and Bruce’s 20th wedding anniversary. Kris (the giant) said being married for twenty years was something he was interested in doing, and then a whole conversation about how he’s biracial took place, and Kris (the mom) didn’t seem able to believe that Kris’ (the giant) dad could be black and have hazel eyes.
“I think at this point, Kris has lost his mind.” – Bruce
Obviously, Kris (the giant) was a bit uncomfortable going along on a family trip with a family that was neither his nor one he knew. He knew he was going to have to seem approachable and easygoing in order for everyone to like him. But instead of just introducing himself to everyone and calmly talking about his likes and dislikes with the group, he tried to bond with them physically, like by capsizing their canoes and throwing them into shark infested water and by talking about tanks in such a way that Kris (the mom) would think Kris (the giant) was comparing her to a huge army vehicle. So needless to say, there were lots of whispers about how strange and peculiar Kris (the giant) was, and lots of remarks about how weird it was that he’s not working hard to get into everyone’s good graces. The episode didn’t even end with everyone liking him! It ended with Kris (the mom) saying that if Kim really loved Kris (the giant), they’d all have to adjust! And we all know how good the Kardashians are at adjusting!
“You were really married?” – Kris (the giant)
Since Kim and Kris (the giant) had only been dating a couple of months, there was still a lot he didn’t know about her. And so over the course of this trip, he found out lots of tidbits about Kim that made him question whether or not he wanted to be with her. The first thing he didn’t really care for about Kim was that she’s obsessed with materialistic things and isn’t capable of recognizing that while she’s crying over diamonds, people are starving and dying all over the world. Then there was the time when Kim and Kris (the giant) first walked into their hotel suite and Kim freaked out because the rose petals that were romantically scattered everywhere made her feel like the room was dirty, and so she got rid of them immediately. Within a few minutes of that incident, Kim was complaining that their suite was too big, which meant the ventilation in the room wasn’t going to be the best. But Kris (the giant) really didn’t care for learning that Kim was married once before — when she was 19. This caused him to question his feelings for Kim entirely, and made him start wondering what else there was about Kim that he didn’t know. Surprisingly, nobody mentioned HER SEX TAPE.
“I really wanna renew our vows.” – Bruce
Sometimes (which means all the time) I feel bad for Bruce. He’s just this totally normal and sweet guy who’s surrounded by women who care about diamonds and clothes and money and work, and there’s almost no room for him anywhere. And so it was just heartbreaking to watch him plan out a ceremony where he and Kris (the mom) could renew their wedding vows, and see Kris not be into it because she was too self conscious about the way her body looked. I get why she was uncomfortable in her own skin, however — that’s obviously because her daughters’ bodies remind her of the body she used to have, and them walking around in bikinis all the time is pretty hard to take. But what Kris (the mom) didn’t seem to understand was that Bruce, her loving husband of 20 years, planned the whole trip and a whole wedding ceremony for the two of them to profess their love to each other because he wanted to show her how much he loved her. He wanted to re-pledge himself to her and tell her that he’ll be with her for another 20 years! But unfortunately, Kris (the mom) was too self-absorbed to realize that! She was blinded by her own appearance that she completely missed out on proof of how much her husband actually loves her, and how much he’s willing to do for her. At the end of the episode, of course, Kris agreed to renew her wedding vows, but only after yelling at her daughters as they were trying to help her pick out something to wear to her Polynesian wedding. Clearly it was something all of us are fools for missing out on!
