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‘Real Housewives of OC’ Recap: Anchors Away

AlexisThis just in. Ladies and gentlemen, we have some breaking news here at Fox 5 San Diego. This is a shocking story that has been terrorizing our community for sometime. Alexis Bellino is an idiot. Here’s Mindy Assitapolois with the full story.

Yes, what we always suspected, what we always knew was confirmed yet again last night when Alexis’ new nose hosted yet another segment on Fox 5 San Diego, which is a quick two-hour jaunt from Orange County. She was doing her own hair and makeup and the producer asked her assistant where she was. “She’s in the green room,” the assistant said. And the producer went in and Alexis said, “Hi, thanks for coming to the green room. Are you almost ready for me?” “Yes, we’re ready now, and this isn’t the green room, this is the ladies’ room. The weather girl is taking a piss right next to you.”

Alexis goes to do her segment and it’s something about “Kids, sex, and pop culture.” What the jiminy crickets is that? That is some sort of thing you would only see on Fox, some crazy segment that really means nothing at all that they concocted because it has everything Fox viewers want to hear about: their kids, how sex is awful, and how pop culture is ruining America. It’s really the perfect storm. It’s like writing a blog post called “Naked Justin Bieber Screwed Steve Jobs iPod Apple Miley Cyrus Tits Porn Hunger Games Anal Nip Slip” which is just a trick to get all the search engines to send you there.

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After bungling at least one of the guest’s names and being unable to elucidate the topic at hand, Alexis then goes on to bloviate about how she “hears” that “kids” as old as “10” are “sexting.” Ugh, sexting. The only word worse than “sexting” is “Pintercourse,” which is when people send dirty messages Pintrest. I just made that up, because, until now, there was no worse word than “sexting.” And where the hell did Alexis hear that 10-year-olds are sexting? Probably from some other harpy on Fox News who was just making that s**t up. Kids are not sexting. Teens, maybe. But kids? They can hardly even work the buttons on an iPhone nontheless make sexts. This is as stupid as rainbow parties or some other idiotic thing the local news makes up to get people to tune in. Then Alexis goes on about how kids are oversexed because of pop culture and, if you put beer in front of 5 year olds, they’re going to become drunks. They she gave her enormous mammories a shake and a shimmy and asked her assistant to touch up the blush on her cleavage. Those bazooks are not fighting the war on decency, now are they.

No matter how awful Alexis is, at least she has something that is her own. At least she has some thing outside of her house (and her size 57 DDDs) to take pride in, to give her some meaning. Later, she goes out with Deacon Jim, her now slender husband who looks the underside of a possum when its playing dead. Jim takes Alexis out to dinner and makes a huge production out of taking her coat off for her and then, when she hands it to him, he flings it behind her onto the floor. He just lets it sail into the empty restaurant, hitting the floor, not worrying that later, at the end of the meal, Alexis will need her jacket and he will have to explain where it went and why he just doesn’t care about where it landed.

This is their relationship boiled down to its essence. Alexis thinks Jim is actually her savior, the sweetest man in the world. But he’s just a huckster who puts on a good show and then behind her back is too lazy to really do the right thing and without the foresight to figure out how not to get caught. And then, when she figures out that he’s not doing anything, she just smiles and says he’s great and everything’s fine and pretends not to notice.

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