Recap

'Glee' Recap: The Hottest Ass-Kicking of 2013

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Mar 15, 2013 | 4:37pm EDT

Glee Feud

Oh em Glee! I literally just finished this weeks’ all-new episode. My mind is a whirlwind, my heart is pounding, and inspired by the episode, I’m currently wearing a tiara. (Side-Note: I love my job.) “Feud” was filled with so many amazing moments that it’s arguably one of the best episodes of the season. Get excited Glee-bees, because I’m about to fill you in on everything you may have missed (and more!) from “Feud.”

So Here’s What You Missed On Glee

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(Former) Student v. Teacher: The episode opens and we see three stern-faced Glee seniors — Artie, Tina and Blaine — sitting in front of Will and Finn recalling the tension-filed moments they’ve witnessed over the past few weeks. From an unnecessary coffee run, to making Finn fetch his vests from the dry cleaner, and then belittling his former best man in front of the entire Glee club — It’s clear that Will is still absolutely furious at Finn for kissing Emma. (Side-Note: Okay yes, I acknowledge the fact that kissing someone’s fiancé is not okay, but we know that it wasn’t done out of passion or malice — Finn just freaked out and didn’t know what to do. If I was hysterically panicking and a hottie kissed me on the lips, that’d definitely do the trick.)

Finn finally explodes, “I can’t take it any more! It’s bad enough you’re treating me like your lackey but I’m not going to sit here while you fake compliment Ryder just to hurt me!” (Side-Note: I love how Finn hesitated before he kicked over that music stand. You know that when Glee club rehearsal ended, he probably just snuck back in there and picked up all the papers, and put them back in a nice stack because he’s sweet like that.) The seniors declare that for the first time in Glee club history the students are giving the teachers an assignment: epic musical feuds!

In the auditorium, Will is determined to take his aggression out through song, but Finn has a better, more mature suggestion: “We could just talk.” Will finally agrees saying that the only reason he put Finn in charge of the glee club is because he took pity on him. Will snarls, “So I put all this trust in you so you could get back on your feet and what do you do? You betray me in the worst way possible… so start thinking of some of the nastiest music feuds you can come up with because we are doing this assignment, and I’m going to kick your ass.” (Side-Note: Did anyone else just get kinda hot and bothered? No? Just me? Okay then…)

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Will and Finn have decided to portray two of the 90’s hottest feuding boy-bands: ‘N Sync and The Backstreet Boys. As the music starts, the girls go wild, and the two former friends launch into a mashup of “Bye Bye Bye” and “I Want It That Way.” (Side-Note: My ovaries are currently on overdrive. ‘90s music, mixed with angry Mr. Schue and smooth-moves Finn? Swoon is definitely an understatement right now.) The song ends and Finn is ready to hug out their differences but Will is not ready to let go. So Finn decides to be the bigger man and kindly says, “For whatever it’s worth, thanks for everything.”

At night, Finn is clearing out his things from his office and Marley shows up to give him a card and to thank him for everything he has done for her. She then bluntly says the best advice ever, “Dude, you really need to grow a pair.” Marley encourages Finn to ignore the fact that Mr. Schue does not want him to teach the glee club anymore. She says if he really wants to be a teacher, then the answer is clear: go be one. (Side-Note: Attention Finn-lovers! I think our fella may have finally just realized his dream. Cue the applause!)

NEXT: A Cheertastrophy and Internet Insanity!

Glee Feud

A Cheertastrophy: Coach Sue calls Blaine into her office and reveals that when he joined the cheerios earlier that year — for one episode that is — he signed a contract. Although the signature is a fake, Sue claims that she needs a “shining, non-threatening gay to hoist up some of the most gorgeous girls in America, over his head, have a birds-eye view of their baby oven and not be remotely interested.”

Blaine politely declines the offer and the camera finally pans over to reveal that Tina has been sitting there the whole time. She politely tells Sue, “If you need me back, I guess I can do it.” Unfortunately for Tina, Sue quickly squashes her suggestion snapping, “You’re dismissed, go find a new boyfriend maybe Lance Bass is available or RuPaul.” (Side-Note: Oh my gosh I feel so bad but I can’t stop laughing! I love Tina so much and even though I’m giggling right now, I’m still beyond bummed that she hasn’t really had the spotlight this season.)

Sue tells Blaine that if he does not re-join the Cheerios then she is going to make his life a living hell — and she means it! Not only does Sue gift Blaine, with cement-based hair gel, she also stole his identity, ruined his credit, and worst of all she hired a plane to pull a sign across the sky that reads, “Blaine is on the bottom.” (Side-Note: That’s not funny. At all. I’m actually pretty pissed right now. I don’t want to go into a whole rant about it, but this is one of the most offensive and degrading things that Glee has ever done to one of their characters and the fact that they are trying to pass it off as a light-hearted joke is just disgusting.)

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The two decide to battle it out as Nikki Minaj and Mariah Carey and Blaine begins a sweet — yet slightly boring — rendition of “I Still Believe.” Coach Sue then takes the stage with her crew of blonde wig-wearing Cheerios and raps out, “Super Bass.” Her performance also includes a black light, hot pink feathers and plenty of smiles. (Side-Note: Does anyone else cringe when Coach Sue smiles? It seems un-natural. Like when girls say, “Pssh! I’m not scared of spiders!” Sure. Whatever hun, we all know you’re lying!)

By a show of hands, Coach Sue overwhelmingly wins the Diva-off and Blaine is forced to be a full-fledged, uniform-wearing member of the cheerios. But little does Coach Sue know, this was all apart of the plan. Blaine smiles at Sam revealing, “I’m going to work from the inside and bring her down. By the time we graduate Sue Sylvester’s reign of terror will finally be over!”( Side-Note: Do what you gotta do Blaine — but it needs to be said: You look mighty fine in that uniform.)

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Internet Insanity: Over in the library, Ryder is getting his flirt on… with a computer. That’s right, our dear dyslexic Ryder is typing away on those keys and pretending that he’s on a hot date with some cyber-chick. “Katie” is the “perfekt” girl to Ryder — she likes bears, French fries and considered them to be soul mates even though they’ve only known each other for a week. (Side-Note: Okay who else thinks Ryder’s about to be Catfished?!)

Ryder reveals to his new online crush that earlier that day Unique came up to him and verbally bitch-slapped him for kissing Marley. Ryder just stood there, channeling his inner jock and called Unique a “dude” — a term to which she took great offense to. Ryder’s keyboard companion suggests that he and Unique settle their feud through song.

Over in the hallway, it’s clear that tensions are still high between Marley and Jake. Little Puckeman reveals that Marley should have discouraged Ryder’s flirtations and not just brushed them aside. The two share a mature conversation and with a flutter of Marley’s eyes, and all is forgotten. However Jake is not quite ready to forgive his former best friend.

Marley sweetly states, “Do you trust me? Do you believe that I love you? Then it doesn’t matter who we talk to because no matter where I am, or what I’m doing, I’m with you.” (Side-Note: Squee! I love them. And I love that Glee did not rip them apart just yet. I also love all the little smiles that creep across Jake’s face. He looks like he’s a four-year-old who’s trying to keep a secret.)

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In the choir room, the music stars and a mashup of “The Bitch is Back/Dress You Up” fills the choir room as Ryder and Unique musically battle it out in front of everyone. (Side-Note: Unique is like 19 kinds of fierce in this performance and I love it! Fun-Fact: Alex Newell is exactly like that in person and every time we get together she brings out my inner diva and it’s amazing.)

The song continues and Unique passes out the most lovely party-favors ever: tiaras! (Side-Note:Those who follow me on twitter, know that I LOVE sparkly things, and tiaras are my favorite accessory. So basically right now it’s like the universe is kissing me on the cheek by mixing my two favorite things together.) When the song finishes, Unique is ready to end their feud as long as Ryder admits that she is a girl. Ryder scoffs, “Look I’m just so confused. Yesterday you were dressed as a boy, today you’re a girl. What bathroom do you use? Make up your mind.”

Unique storms off and Jake says what everyone was thinking, “You are a douchebag dude. In this room we can be whatever we want to be.” (Side-Note: I was about to say a joke about how Brittany can be a unicorn if she wants, but… what the hell?! Where’s Brittany?? And Sugar?! Oh my gosh! They must be checking on the time machine!! So happy right now…)

Ryder is once again talking with his Internet lady and she helps him realize that he was being an insensitive ass to Unique. (Side-Note: My words, not hers.) She then asks for another shirtless pic from Ryder and he instantly sends over a heart-filled photo from the Men of McKinley calendar. (Side-Note: Red flag! Red flag!! This girl cannot be trusted Ryder! Just because she constantly puts x’s and o’s at the end of her sentences does not mean that she’s a cute teenager. Creepy men trolling the Internet can easily add type sweet nothings into a chat room. Back away and run like hell!)

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Unique, Marley and Jake are all waiting in a classroom and we find out Ryder asked them all to get together. He apologizes to Marley for kissing her, to Jake for kissing his girl, and to Unique for being insensitive. Unfortunately, Unique had a horrible experience the other day when she was walking home from school. A group of popular girls chased after Unique calling her horrible names like, “Lady freak,” and bullied her with their laughter.

Marley, Jake, and Ryder agreed that they would walk Unique home everyday from now on. Kitty walks into the classroom saying she wants to do the same because believe it or not they’re friends. (Side-Note: God I love Kitty, I love Becca Tobin more, but Kitty is definitely a close second.) The Glee newbies then declare that they need to stick together, stop the fighting, and step up their game because next year it’s going to be up to them to lead the New Directions when the seniors have graduated. (Side-Note: Woah! That’s so weird to think about. Can you imagine the halls of McKinley without any of our originals walking around? Ugh I just got the chills and I don’t like this revelation one bit.)

NEXT: The Hottest Ass-Kicking of 2013!

Glee Feud

Lies and Deceit: Cut to the New York side of things and we see that Santana is thumbing through some magazines in a clinic waiting room. (Side-Note: And looking all kinds of awesome in those boots I should add.) Rachel emerges into the room and whispers, “False alarm. I’m so happy, I’m so glad that this is all over with,” and the two friends share a sweet embrace. Rachel smiles, thanks Santana for taking her, and announces that she’s going skip on over to class. Not so fast little one!

Santana tells our little blueberry (Side-Note: Rachel looks awesome in that bright blue sweater — get it?) that she can’t just pretend that this never happened. “This is a wake-up call, this is an opportunity for you to take a hard look at the choices that you are making and where your life is heading. Starting with donkey face.” (Side-Note: Hmm. I totally got it last week when she called him “Plastic Man” but donkey face? True he’s yucky, deceitful, conceited, moronic, and all wrong for Rachel, but let’s be real, he’s not terrible to look at. Worst/best compliment ever, am I right?)

Over in a super swanky hotel we see that Brody introduces himself as “Gunner” and he looks a roomful of sad and sexually-challenged cougars who have resorted to paying men in exchange for intimacy. (Side-Note: Ahem. *Leanne clears her throat* Ladies and Gleeks, it’s officially official: Brody is a money-grubbing, old lady-pleasing, possibly STD-walking hoe fo’ sho!) In an attempt to make us feel bad for him, Brody reveals to another male escort that he needs this job to pay for his tuition. (Side-Note: Um no sorry. Then get a job at Starbucks, or a bar, or Abercrombie! — God knows you’d fit right in and you don’t even have to wear a shirt there! But don’t give us this B.S. that you need to be a hooker to get through NYADA.)

Brody then breaks into a tango-filled rendition of “How to Be a HeartBreaker” and seductively dances around with a woman who is looking like she is ready to lick his face at any moment. (Side-Note: I think this goes without saying, but I feel like I should clarify something for my younger readers: Prostitution is never the answer little ones! Please and thank you’s to remember to keep your lady bits to yourself.) And while Brody is accepting money from a Real Housewife-wannabe, Rachel is over in the loft singing along to the song, and pondering her true feelings.

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Santana enters the loft and sees that Brody’s stuff is still there, meaning that Rachel has not reevaluated her life choices. Rachel claims that Brody explained everything and he’s working as a cater-waiter, but he was just too embarrassed to admit it. Unfortunately for Rachel, Santana’s “psychic Mexican third eye” is never wrong.

Santana confronts her saying, “I went to school with Rachel Berry, not this soggy mess of a woman that stands before me today going back and forth between your flop high school ex and that terrifying waiter with a pager. You need to stop and focus Berry.” (Side-Note: God I love Santana. This is exactly what my best friend and I do for each other. We tell each other, “Mirror” and then we reveal the brutal and honest truth to each other no matter how harsh it is. It’s the best way to get someone to see herself clearly. Love you best!) Santana then sneaks into the bathroom and steals Brody’s sexy-time pager.

Over at NYADA, Brody is teaching one of Cassie’s dance classes (Side-Note: Wait, so is she like gone for good? I didn’t even get to say goodbye!) when Santana magically appears in the doorway. Brody hurls a sling of insults at our Lima Heights lady, but she quickly adds to his list saying, “Another thing I am: a hardcore friend. Rachel and Kurt are my family and I can smell your sketchy-ness from here. So let me tell you how it’s going to be. You’re going to move out of our apartment tonight or I can dig a little deeper and destroy you.”

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Santana then launches into a sexually charged, and perfectly choreographed version of “Cold Hearted.” (Side-Note: Everyone needs to stop what you’re doing!! Queen Naya is performing and flipping and gyrating and being practically perfect in every way.) She tells Brody to packs his bags and then walks out of the room like the devilish diva that we all know and love. Later that evening in the loft, Santana excitedly announces that she got a job at the Coyote Ugly bar. (Side-Note: Wanky!)

Kurt and Rachel tell Santana that they want her to move out and Miss Lopez launches into 30 seconds of pure verbal gold which I am now going to type out for you because it was that amazing: “Olsen twins let me tell you something: I have known you both for years, and I don’t like either of you 90 perfect of the time. In fact, you wide-eyed, keen painting approach of life makes my teeth hurt and my breasts ache with rage. But you know what? I have love for you. You’re my family and I haven’t lied to you in months. I’m smarter about other people than the both of you. You have to trust me.” Santa then steals Rachel’s comforter and Kurt’s pillow and leaves to go crash with Lena Dunham. (Side-Note: True Story.)

Over in another hotel room, Brody opens the door and walks into a dark room saying, “Good evening Vicky.” As he flips on the lights, he sees that “Vicky” is actually a smug-looking Santana. (Side-Note: Santana is flawless. That is all. The end.) Brody quickly begs, “You can’t tell Rachel please. I am not proud of this.” Santana quickly counters, “Save it. I think there’s someone more important that you should convince tonight.” All of the sudden, a furious-looking Finn walks out of the bathroom. (Side-Note: Oh. My. God. It’s official: Smoldering eyes Finn is now my favorite kind of Finn. Ever.)

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The Final Five: Brody quickly tries to explain himself but Finn doesn’t want to hear it. Finn calmly and quietly tells Brody, “Shut your mouth. After tonight, you’re a ghost. You disappear from her life forever. No goodbyes, nothing.” Brody fumbles saying that he loves Rachel, but Finn has an answer for that one too: “But she doesn’t even really know who you are. Yet.” Brody grabs Finn’s collar and tells him not to tell Rachel the truth, but clearly this was a very dumb move.

Without hesitating, Finn punches Brody square in the jaw. (Side-Note: This is the best scene. EVER. Yes, I understand that violence is never the answer, but I totally understand Finn’s outrage. The girl he’s in love with doesn’t know that her new boyfriend is a dirty, narcissistic, prostitute. I think that deserves a punch in the face, don’t you?)

The two men get into a full-on brawl in the hotel room and practically destroy everything in their path. Finn gets one last punch in before screaming at Brody through his furiously clenched jaw, “Stay away from my future wife!” (Side-Note: Holy freakin’ hell! That was the sexiest, most wonderfully amazing sentence that has ever been uttered in the history of Glee. You can’t tell me that didn’t make you squeal with delight and then swoon from Finn’s knight-in-shining armor behavior. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Finn Hudson: Out-shining all other men on TV since 2009.) This time Finn didn’t hesitate when he kicked over the mini-fridge when he stormed out of the room.

Back in Lima, the New Directions are having a la-dee-daa time singing, “Closer,” and Ryder asks his cyber sweetheart if the can meet. She then promptly signs offline without answering and he is left looking dumbfounded. (Side-Note: But let’s be real, we’re all still in a daze from that testosterone-filled tussle. Rather than watching the Glee kids end the episode with yet another “Look at us we’re friends again!” song, I’m just going to re-watch what I’m now declaring: The Hottest Ass-Kicking of 2013.)

Most Heartwarming Moment: Watching Finn scream, “Stay away from my future wife!” to Brody and realizing that Finchel is far from over.

Most Heartbreaking Moment: Seeing those girls, torment Unique on her walk up. Stand up to bullying and don’t ever let this happen to any of your friends!

Quotables:

“I ran into Lena Dunham at Barney’s and she told me that I could crash with her if I needed to so that’s cool, cuz she has two Golden Globes.” — Santana

“And that, ladies, gay, in-betweeners, and hag-for-life, is how it’s done.” — Coach Sue

”Olsen twins let me tell you something: I have known you both for years, and I don’t like either of you 90 perfect of the time. In fact, you wide-eyed, keen painting approach of life makes my teeth hurt and my breasts ache with rage. But you know what? I have love for you. You’re my family and I haven’t lied to you in months. I’m smarter about other people than the both of you. You have to trust me.” — Santana

”Stay away from my future wife!” — Finn

Oh my goodness! What did you think of “Feud”? Who do you think Ryder’s online girl really is? Are you happy to finally know the truth about Brody? What did you think of the hotel room brawl? Who else is loving Santana in NYC? Tell me everything in the comments below!

Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera

[Photo Credit: FOX(3)]


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