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EXTRA: Up Close at an ‘Upfront’

As the TV nation is well aware, the past four days have marked the unveiling of the networks’ new fall schedules. But what seems like nonstop programming announcements to the public is otherwise known as a week of interminable “upfronts” to advertising people. So what are they? Upfronts are industry-only events where network execs wow, sweet-talk and woo advertisers (and, they hope, their wallets) in the metropolitan centers of New York, Chicago and Los Angeles with lavish fall preview media presentations (not to mention, free food). Every TV and cable network has one, and all ad people are invited.

“Basically, we come to the upfront in order to see all the new shows that are coming up in the fall season,” Jamie Aruizu, ad rep from TBWA/CHIAT/DAY agency, told Hollywood.com at Thursday’s West Coast presentation for UPN. “And based on what we’ve seen, we then determine if these are shows that we want to recommend for our media planners and our media buyers since they’re making decisions for their clients on what shows we need to advertise in.”

With that, er, explained, we hereby offer up an inside account on one of these fabled hobnobs, right from the belly of the UPN upfront:

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8:30 a.m. — Arrive at the famed Paramount Studios gate on Melrose Avenue in Hollywood. Park car. Proceed to walk to the site of the event, despite providence of direct cart rides.

8:35 a.m. — Buffet breakfast provided on the lawns outside of the Paramount screening room. Food served included all-you-can-eat bagels, croissants, pastries, potatoes, and other fancy stuff. Few suits or cell-phone types in sight.

9:30 a.m. — Same as 8:35 a.m., except for the substantial increase in suits and cell phones.

10 a.m. — Yawn. Ditto.

10:15 a.m. — We got our second glass of carrot juice. Yum.

10:30 a.m. — Said suits and cell-phones types start to file into the theater where trippy colors like purple and orange are alternately beamed from the florescent panels situated in front of the mammoth screen.

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10:50 a.m. — OK, 20 minutes have passed and still nothing — no intro, no preview reel, no nothing.

11 a.m. — A UPN honcho walks on stage. What we expect to be one of those would-be amusing intros actually turns out to be an announcement that the show will be (another) 20 minutes late because the tape (a pre-recording of the real presentation from the even-glitzier New York event at Madison Square Garden) is “stuck in traffic.” Three questions come to mind: (1) Why does this have to happen at our first upfront?; (2) Hasn’t UPN heard of satellite technology; and, (3) Should we stay or should we go?

11:05 a.m. — We stick around even as n exodus from the auditorium ensues.

11:07 a.m. — Suits and cell-phones hang out idly outside of the screening room.

11:20 a.m. — Same as 10:30 a.m., albeit with half as many people as before.

11:22 a.m. — No funny intro, the tape finally starts to roll.

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11:23 a.m. — (Via tape) we see speeches from various UPN top dogs laden with bad jokes and ad-babbles like “key markets” and “male-friendly demographics.” Only after all this, is the fall lineup introduced — day by day, starting with Monday. Key actors, like Brandy from “Moesha,” making Very Special Appearances.

12:15 p.m. We now know more than we ever wanted to know about “The Parkers.” Can’t take it anymore. We leave after Monday.

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